Texan15

Hurricane Education: What I've learned during our last hurricane . . .

2008-09-24T10:27:00.002-05:00

1. Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.

2. No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity.

3. My car gets 23.21675 miles per gallon, EXACTLY (you can ask the people in line who helped me push it).

4. Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in their hand.

5. Cats are even more irritating without power.

6. He who has the biggest generator wins.

7. Women can actually survive without doing their hair- you just wish they weren't around you.

8. A new method of non-lethal torture- showers without hot water.

9. There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.

10. TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful.

11. A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6-12 oz Budweiser's to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14 lb. turkey frozen for 8 more hours.

12. There are a lot of dang trees around here.

13. Flood plane drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously wrong..

14. Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not required.

15. Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.

16. People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for.

17. When required, a Lincoln Continental will float, doesn't steer well but floats just the same.

18. Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is doing.

19. Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the battery remains charged.

20. 27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you, and they are quick to point that out!

21. Hampers were not made to contain such a volume.

22. If my store sold only ice, chainsaws, gas and generators... I'd be rich.

23. Price of a can of soup rises 200% in a storm.

24. Your water front property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole.

25. Tree service companies are under appreciated.

26. I learned what happens when you make fun of another states' blackout.

27. MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30% higher electric bill?????

28. Drywall is a compound word, take away the "dry" part and it's worthless.

29. I can walk a lot farther than I thought.

Beware of Garbage Trucks

2008-07-18T13:36:00.001-05:00

Beware of Garbage Trucks
by David J. Pollay

How often do you let other people's nonsense change
your mood? Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss,
or an insensitive employee ruin your day? Unless you're the
Terminator, for an instant you're probably set back on your
heels. However, the mark of a successful person is how quickly
she can get back her focus on what's important.

Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson.
I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab.
Here's what happened.

I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station.
We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden,
a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.
My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded,
and missed the other car's back end by just inches!

The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident,
whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us.

My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy.
And I mean, he was friendly.
So, I said, "Why did you just do that?
This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"

And this is when my taxi driver told me what I
now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."

Many people are like garbage trucks.
They run around full of garbage, full of frustration,
full of anger, and full of disappointment.
As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it.
And if you let them, they'll dump it on you.
When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally.

You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.
You'll be happy you did.

So this was it: The "Law of the Garbage Truck."
I started thinking, how often do I
let Garbage Trucks run right over me?
And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people:

at work, at home, on the streets?
It was that day I said, "I'm not going to do it anymore."

I began to see garbage trucks.
Like in the movie " The Sixth Sense," the little boy said,
"I see Dead People."

Well, now "I see Garbage Trucks."
I see the load they're carrying.
I see them coming to drop it off.
And like my Taxi Driver, I don't make it a personal thing;
I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.

One of my favorite football players of all time, Walter Payton,

did this every day on the
football field.
He would jump up as quickly as he hit the ground
after being tackled.

He never dwelled on a hit.
Payton was ready to make the next play his best.
Good leaders know they have to be ready for their next meeting.

Good parents know that they have to welcome their children home

from school with hugs and kisses.
Leaders and parents know that they have to be fully present,
and at their best for the people they care about.

The bottom line is that successful people

do not let Garbage Trucks take over their day.
What about you?
What would happen in your life, starting today,
if you let more garbage trucks pass you by?

Here's my bet.
You'll be happier.

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so..
Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe that everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance , TAKE IT!
If it changes your life , LET IT!
Nobody said it would be easy...
They just promised it would be worth it!

Who is your best friend?

2008-04-18T11:20:00.001-05:00

If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Cowboy

2008-03-17T11:23:00.001-05:00

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

Howdy Y'all

2008-01-30T21:55:00.000-06:00

Ok so it has been a long, long time since I posted. Here is why and what's been going on.

After many years in the shipping and logistics industry on Nov. 26 I started a new career with a Geological company. After a few months of training I am loving it and soon I will start in my sales position. My old job changed. I liked the company under the manager that hired me. Then he left and the sales manager left. When the new branch manager came in things went downhill quickly. I can probably sum it up in the following words: Arrogance, micro-managing, lack of industrial knowledge, sexist, childish, poor management. Who wants to work with all of that? For example besides doing a lot of time wasting work with not even a thank you or good job, when I told the new branch manager I wanted to transfer to the special projects branch he stopped talking to me. He would pass my desk 20 times a day and not say a word or even look at me. I continued to work in the projects department for another 9 months and he maybe said hello to me twice. Maybe if he wouldn't have been such a jackass about stupid stuff maybe I would have stuck around. Or maybe if he acted like a real manager. Or maybe if he would have treated me and everyone else with a little respect....I could go on and on. Anyway, my stress level went way, way down once I left. I am also not working any over time with my new company so I have more time to spend with my precious daughter.

Speaking of my precious daughter, she turned 1 on Jan. 12 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe she is already 1. Time sure does fly by. She is walking around pretty good now so you can imagine she is getting into everything.

Here are a few things I have learned in my first year of being a dad and almost 3rd year of being a husband

1. I never thought I could love 2 people so much
2. I thought that I wanted a boy like most men but I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything in the world.
3. Babies can bite pretty hard even if they only have a few teeth
4. Seriously, plastic blocks hurt when stepped on in the middle of the night
5. No matter how tired or frustrated I am the smile from my wife or baby makes it all go away.
6. It's starting to seem that I know more songs from my daughters toys than I do on the radio
7. Women, both young and old, are truly amazing
8. I have never thought about safety so much in my life
9. I have never worried so much in my life when my daughter is sick or something might be wrong
10. I love being married to my wife
11. I love being a Dad

Anyway I will try to post more stuff when I can.

Later

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

2007-11-13T12:11:00.000-06:00

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, a ge 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Question for today

2007-10-25T14:13:00.000-05:00

Why do women have to open their mouths when they put on mascara?

Coffee Lesson

2007-10-18T12:10:00.001-05:00

A group of alumni, all highly established in their respective careers, got together for a visit with their old university professor. The conversation soon turned to complaints about the endless stress of work and life.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went into the kitchen and soon returned with a large pot of coffee and an eclectic assortment of cups: porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal - some plain, some expensive, some quite exquisite. Quietly he told them to help themselves to some fresh coffee...

When each of his former students had a cup of coffee in hand, the old professor quietly cleared his throat and began to patiently address the small gathering...

"You may have noticed that all of the nicer looking cups were taken up first, leaving behind the plainer and cheaper ones. While it is only natural for you to want only the best for yourselves that is actually the source of much of your stress-related problems..."

"Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In fact, the cup merely disguises or dresses up what we drink. What each of you really wanted was coffee, not a cup, but you instinctively went for the best cups... Then you began eying each others cups....''

"Now consider this: Life is coffee. Jobs, money, and position in society are merely cups. They are just tools to shape and contain life, and the type of cup we have does not truly define nor change the quality of the life we live...''

"Often, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee.''
The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything.

Remember:
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care Deeply.
Speak Kindly.
Enjoy the coffee.

Baptizing a Drunk

2007-10-10T09:11:00.000-05:00

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down
for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Little Eyes

2007-09-30T22:36:00.000-05:00

A message every adult should read, because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a Prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted me to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."

LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT. Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher or friend) influences the life of a child. How will you touch the life of someone today?

This is how it's done

2007-09-25T15:06:00.000-05:00

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that friends, is how it all works!

2007-09-18T10:13:00.001-05:00

Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas...

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas.

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use

them, you may live in Texas.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph and you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Texas.

If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Texas.

If you actually understand these jokes you definitely live in Texas.

Why Men Are Never Depressed

2007-09-11T11:07:00.001-05:00

Men Are Just Happier People

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom

because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn
a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on

December 24 in 25 minutes.

analogy

2007-09-10T08:53:00.001-05:00

Maybe I have posted this before…maybe I haven’t. These days I can’t remember

QUITE AN ANALOGY

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous

flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above

the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere.

Then some of the birds turned mean:

They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out

of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud:

They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore.

I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone.

I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see....... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.

Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families: you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor: your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English: Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to press "one" to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

Blonde VS a Lawyer

2007-08-30T14:52:00.001-05:00

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention. To keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to
the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of
Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

ATLANTA AIRPORT

2007-08-23T12:39:00.001-05:00

Atlanta Airport

Some of you will enjoy this more than others - Southerners can be so polite!
AtlantaAir Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.
AtlantaATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you AtlantaATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great.
Pause:
Static..
Saudi Air: " ATLANTAATC - ATLANTAATC"
AtlantaATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.
AtlantaATC: Well bless your hearts and praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us --
Ya hear?

"out of office" replies to email ....

2007-08-22T10:22:00.001-05:00

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Larry'

hmmmmm

2007-08-16T10:41:00.000-05:00

Thoughts to Ponder

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like a slinky: Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it normal.

They know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but they don't have a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe they should put the department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.

Questions for the day

2007-08-15T09:27:00.000-05:00

If anyone out there in never never land has the answers to the following, please comment.

If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?

Why are red buttons always the most important?

What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?

If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?

What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8?

What shape is the sky?

And the last question for today.

If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?

Sorry state of affairs!

2007-08-08T09:22:00.000-05:00

A conversation between a Customer and Bank of America

Bank: This is the Bank of America, can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I want to cancel my account. I don't want to do business with you any longer.

Bank: Why?

Customer: You're giving credit to illegal immigrants and I don't think it's right. I'm taking my business elsewhere.

Bank: Well, Mr. Customer, we don't want to see you do that, but we can't stop you. I'll help you close the account.

What is your account number?

Customer: (gives account number)

Bank: For security purposes and for your protection,

can you please give me the last four digits of your social security number?

Customer: No.

Bank: Mr. Customer, I need to verify your information, but in order to help you, I'll need verification of who you are.

Customer: Why should I give you my social security number? The reason I'm closing my account is that your

bank is issuing credit cards to illegal immigrants who don't have social security numbers. You are targeting that audience and want their business. Let's say I'm an illegal immigrant and you've given me a credit card. I have a question about it and call for assistance. You wouldn't be asking me for a Social Security number, would you?

Bank: No sir, I wouldn't.

Customer: Why not?

Bank: Because you would have pressed '2' to speak in Spanish. We don't ask for that information when calling in on the Spanish line.

CHECK THIS OUT ON SNOPES! IT'S TRUE!

http://www.snopes.com/politics/immigration/bankofamerica.asp

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

2007-08-03T11:12:00.000-05:00

1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Heightened Alert

2007-08-02T09:53:00.000-05:00

In Todays News…. I Thomas Morgan… bring you the breaking stories on heightened terror alert levels…
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon 'though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the British and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the

new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

Retirement Planning

2007-08-01T15:57:00.000-05:00

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With World Com, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

Good Point

2007-07-30T11:14:00.000-05:00

A little long and don’t know if this is truly written by a pilot but makes very good points.

The newspaper stated today that some Muslim doctor is saying we are profiling him because he has been checked three times while getting on an airplane.

The following is a letter from a pilot. This well spoken man, who is a pilot with American Airlines, says what is in his heart, beautifully.... Read, absorb and pass this on.

"YOU WORRY ME!"

By American Airlines Pilot - Captain John Maniscalco

I've been trying to say this since 9-11, but you worry me. I wish you didn't. I wish when I walked down the streets of this country that I love, that your color and culture still blended with the beautiful human landscape we enjoy in this country.

But you don't blend in anymore. I notice you, and it worries me. I notice you because I can't help it anymore. People from your homelands, professing to be Muslims, have been attacking and killing my fellow citizens and our friends for more than 20 years now. I don't fully understand their grievances and hate, but I know that nothing can justify the inhumanity of their attacks.

On September 11, nineteen ARAB-MUSLIMS hijacked four jetliners in my country. They cut the throats of women in front of children and brutally stabbed to death others. They took control of those planes and crashed them into buildings killing thousands of proud fathers, loving sons, wise grandparents, elegant daughters, best friends, favorite coaches, fearless public servants, and children's mothers.

The Palestinians Celebrated, the Iraqis were overjoyed as was most of the Arab world. So, I notice you now. I don't want to be worried. I don't want to be consumed by the same rage and hate and prejudice that have destroyed the soul of these terrorists. But I need your help. As a rational American, trying to protect my country and family in an irrational and unsafe world, I must know how to tell the difference between you, and the Arab/Muslim terrorist.

How do I differentiate between the true Arab / Muslim-Americans and the Arab Muslim terrorists in our communities who are attending our schools, enjoying our parks, and living in OUR communities under the protection of OUR constitution, while they plot the next attack that will slaughter these same good neighbors and children?

The events of September 11th changed the answer. It is not my responsibility to determine which of you embraces our great country, with ALL of its religions, with ALL of its different citizens, with all of its faults. It is time for every Arab/Muslim in this country to determine it for me.

I want to know, I demand to know, and I have a right to know, whether or not you love America ? Do you pledge allegiance to its flag? Do you proudly display it in front of your house, or on your car? Do you pray in your many daily prayers that Allah will bless this nation, that He will protect and prosper it? Or do you pray that Allah will destroy it in one of your Jihads? Are you thankful for the freedom that only this nation affords? A freedom that was paid for by the blood of hundreds of thousands of patriots who gave their lives for this country? Are you willing to preserve this freedom by also paying the ultimate sacrifice? Do you love America ?

If this is your commitment, then I need YOU to start letting ME know about it.

Your Muslim leaders in this nation should be flooding the media at this time with hard facts on your faith, and what hard actions you are taking as a community and as a religion to protect the United States of America .

Please, no more benign overtures of regret for the death of the innocent because I worry about who you regard as innocent. No more benign overtures of condemnation for the unprovoked attacks because I worry about what is unprovoked to you. I am not interested in any more sympathy. I am only interested in action.

What will you do for America - our great country - at this time of crisis, at this time of war?

I want to see Arab-Muslims waving the AMERICAN flag in the streets. I want to hear you chanting "Allah Bless America " I want to see young Arab/Muslim men enlisting in the military. I want to see a commitment of money, time, and emotion to the victims of this butchering and to this nation as a whole.

The FBI has a list of over 400 people they want to talk to regarding the WTC attack. Many of these people live and socialize right now in Muslim communities. You know them. You know where they are. Hand them over to us, now! But I have seen little even approaching this sort of action. Instead I have seen an already closed and

secretive community close even tighter. You have disappeared from the streets. You have posted armed security guards at your facilities. You have threatened lawsuits. You have screamed for protection from reprisals. The very few Arab/Muslim representatives that HAVE appeared in the media were defensive and equivocating.

They seemed more concerned with making sure that the United States proves who was responsible before taking action. They seemed more concerned with protecting their fellow Muslims from violence directed towards them in the United States and abroad than they did with supporting our country and denouncing "leaders" like

Khadafi, Hussein , Farrakhan, and Arafat .

If the true teachings of Islam proclaim tolerance and peace and love for all people, then I want chapter and verse from the Koran and statements from popular Muslim leaders to back it up. What good is it if the teachings in the Koran are good, and pure, and true, when your "leaders" are teaching fanatical interpretations, terrorism, and intolerance?

It matters little how good Islam SHOULD BE if huge numbers of the world's Muslims interpret the teachings of Mohammed incorrectly and adhere to a degenerative form of the religion. A form that has been demonstrated

to us over and over again. A form whose structure is built upon a foundation of violence, death, and suicide.. A form whose members are recruited from the prisons around the world. A form whose members (some as young as five years old) are seen day after day, week in and week out, year after a year, marching in the streets around the world, burning effigies of our presidents, burning the American flag, shooting weapons into the air. A form whose members convert from a peaceful religion, only to take up arms against the great United States of America , the

country of their birth. A form whose rules are so twisted, that their traveling members refuse to show their faces at airport security checkpoints, in the name of Islam.

We will NEVER allow the attacks of September 11, or any others for that matter, to take away that which is so precious to us: Our rights under the greatest constitution in the world.

I want to know where every Arab Muslim in this country stands and I think it is my right and the right of every true citizen of this country to demand it. A right paid for by the blood of thousands of my brothers and sisters who died protecting the very constitution that is protecting you and your family. I am pleading with you to let me know.

I want you here as my brother, my neighbor, my friend, as a fellow American.

But there can be no gray areas or ambivalence regarding your allegiance and it is up to YOU, to show ME, where YOU stand. Until then. "YOU WORRY ME!"

Thought for the day

2007-07-25T11:15:00.000-05:00

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

2007-07-24T14:10:00.000-05:00

To realize the value of a sister or brother….

Ask someone who doesn’t have one.

To realize the value of ten years….

Ask a newly divorced couple

To realize the value of four years….

Ask a graduate

To realize the value of one year…

Ask a student who has failed a final exam

To realize the value of nine months…

Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn

To realize the value of one month

Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of one week

Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper

To realize the value of one minute

Ask a person who has missed the train, bud or plane.

To realize the value of one second

Ask a person who has survived an accident

Time waits for no one

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when

You can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member

LOSE ONE

Leader Captured

2007-07-18T08:55:00.000-05:00

I wonder if our local news will discuss this story. I haven't heard anything
yet...

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,289727,00.html

Drunks...Gotta Love Them

2007-07-09T10:27:00.000-05:00

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a

loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where

a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband. "It is 3 o'clock in the

morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for

a push!"

"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in

the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when

we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of

yourself!"

The man gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Taxes and Urine Test

2007-07-05T10:49:00.000-05:00

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as they see fit.

In order to get that paycheck. I am required to pass a random urine test, which I have no problem with. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check, because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on
their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sit on their butt & doing drugs on my tax money. Could you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check.

Red Marbles

2007-06-25T16:55:00.001-05:00

This is a great story.

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

"Hello Barry, how are you today?"
"H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good."
"They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?"
"Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."
"Good. Anything I can help you with?"
"No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."
"Would you like to take some home?" asked Mr. Miller.
"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."
"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"
"All I got's my prize marble here."
"Is that right? Let me see it" said Miller.
"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."
"I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?" the store owner asked.
"Not zackley but almost."
"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble" . Mr. Miller told the boy.
"Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller."
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store."
I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved toColorado, but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.
Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could
Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.
Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.
"Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt."
"We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho ."
With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

The Moral : We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing-along song on the radio.
Your keys found right where you left them.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU GATHER, BUT WHAT YOU SCATTER THAT TELLS WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU HAVE LIVED!

Blonde in 1st Class

2007-06-21T10:32:00.000-05:00

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS
UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE
WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON
AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN
FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE
SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER
SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON

AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE
WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO
REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS.
I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH,
I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE
SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON

Bathtub test

2007-06-21T08:57:00.001-05:00

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and

this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what

the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be

institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a

teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to

empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the

bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you

want a bed near the window?"

Does this make sense?

2007-06-19T12:26:00.000-05:00

Here is a REAL INTERVIEW with an illegal Mexican at a protest march in
Texas Trying to reason with an Illegal Mexican. This is good!

Below is a good example of a discussion with a master of circular logic.
Don't be logical, don't respect the truth or your adversary, just say what
you think makes a new case when the previous case gets too difficult to
defend.

On the streets of downtown Houston, May 1, 2006. Jim Moore reporting for
a Houston TV station:

Jim: Juan, I see that you and thousands of other protesters are marching
in the streets to demonstrate for your cause. Exactly what s your cause
and what do you expect to accomplish by this protest?

Juan: We want our rights. We will show you how powerful we are. We will
bring Houston to its knees!

Jim: What rights?

Juan: Our right to live here...legally. Our right to get all the
benefits you get.

Jim: When did you come to the United States?

Juan: Six years ago. I crossed over the border at night with seven
other friends.

Jim: Why did you come?

Juan: For work. I can earn as much in a month as I could in a year in
Mexico. Besides, I get free health care, our Mexican children can go to
school free, if I lose my job I will get Welfare, and someday I will have
the Social Security. Nothing like that in Mexico!

Jim: Did you feel badly about breaking our immigration laws when you
came?

Juan: No! Why should I feel bad I have a right to be here. I have a
right to amnesty. I paid lots of money for my Social Security and Green
Cards.

Jim: How did you acquire those documents?

Juan: >From a guy in Dallas. He charged me a lot of money too.

Jim: Did you know that those documents were forged?

Juan: It is of no matter. I have a right to be here and work.

Jim: What is the "right" you speak of?

Juan: The right of all Aliens. It is found in your Constitution. Read
it!

Jim: I have read it, but I do not remember it saying anything about
rights for Aliens.

Juan: It is in that part where it says that all men have Alien rights,
like the right to pursue happiness. I wasn't happy in Mexico, so I came
here.

Jim: I think you are referring to the Declaration of Independence and
that document speaks to unalienable right ... Not Alien rights.

Juan: Whatever.

Jim: Since you are demanding to become an American citizen, why then are
you carrying a Mexican Flag?

Juan: Because I am Mexican.

Jim: But you said you want to be given amnesty.. To become a US
citizen.

Juan: No. This is not what we want. This is our country, a part of
Mexico that you Gringos stole from us. We want it returned to its rightful
owner.

Jim: Juan, you are standing in Texas. After wining the war with Mexico,
Texas became a Republic, and later Texans voted to join the USA. It was not
stolen from Mexico.

Juan: That is a Gringo lie. Texas was stolen. So was California, New
Mexico and Arizona. It is just like all the other stuff you Gringos steal,
like oil and babies. You are a country of thieves.

Jim: Babies?You think we steal babies?

Juan: Sure. Like from Korea and Vietnam and China. I see them all over
the place. You let all these foreigners in, but try to keep us Mexicans
out. How is this fair?

Jim: So, you really don't want to become an American citizen then.

Juan: I just want my rights! Everyone has a right to live, work, and
speak their native language wherever and whenever they please. That's
another thing we demand All signs and official documents should be in
Spanish. Teachers must teach in Spanish. Soon, more people here in Houston
will speak Spanish than English. It is our right!

Jim: If I were to cross over the border into Mexico without proper
documentation, what rights would I have there?

Juan: None. You would probably go to jail, but that's different.

Jim: How is it different? You said everyone has the right to liveBR>> wherever they please.

Juan: You Gringos are a bunch of land grabbing thieves. Now you want
Mexico too? Mexico has its rights. You Gringos have no rights in Mexico.
Why would you want to go there anyway? There is no free medical service,
schools, or welfare there for foreigners such as you. You cannot even own
land in my country. Stay in the country of your birth.

Jim: I can see that there is no way that we can agree on this issue.
Thank you for your comments.

Juan: Viva Mexico!!!

test for smart people

2007-06-15T10:28:00.000-05:00

Ok people, here is a test for all you smart people out there. There is a total of 4 questions. I will post the first question, give your guess in the comment section then in a few days I will post the answer and the next question.

Ready….here we go.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Redneck fish

2007-06-15T09:23:00.000-05:00

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Eastern Oklahoma recently with
Two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its
Fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
Fish?"
"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there
Licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let
'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right
Back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home

""That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's
The truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."
"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"
"Well, what?", says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH", replied the warden!
"What fish?", replied the redneck.

Moral of the story:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as
Some government employees

Mothers Who Drugged Us!

2007-06-12T13:50:00.000-05:00

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a

Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the

adjoining county and

he asked me a rhetorical question,

''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''

I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young:

I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for

weddings and funerals.

I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the

weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also

drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, did not

speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I

didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap

if I uttered a profanity.

I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and

cockleburs out of dad's fields.

I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out

some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline,

or chop some firewood and, if my mother had ever known that I took a

single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to

the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in

everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine,

crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug

problem, America would be a better place.

~author unknown~

God bless the parents who drugged us.

Year 1907

2007-06-12T12:25:00.000-05:00

Who knew at the time how pertinent his speach would be today?

The year was 1907......but the speaker knew what he was talking
about.

Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN
in 1907.

"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant
who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself
to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for
it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed,
or birthplace, or origin.. But this is predicated upon the person's
becoming in every facet an American. But as an American...There can be
no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but
something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one
flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and
that is the English language... And we have room for but one sole
loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."

Theodore Roosevelt 1907

Students right to pray

2007-05-30T09:02:00.000-05:00

Here is the new act that just passed the state house and senate concerning students and religion.

http://www.capitol.state.tx.us/tlodocs/80R/billtext/doc/HB03678I.doc

To all those anti-religion, I’m offended because I saw a bible, tree huggin hippie cry baby freaks….put this in your pipe and smoke it !!!!!!!!

This is sad but true!!!

2007-05-24T16:34:00.001-05:00

A Modern Parable.

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company ( Ford )
decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams
practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate
the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior
management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person
steering, while the American team had eight people steering and one
person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a
consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second
opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the
boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent
another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was
totally reorganized to four steering supervisors, three area steering
superintendents and one assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the one
person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called
the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free
pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes
and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor
performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and
canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was
distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's
racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly, The End.

Sad, but oh so true! Here's something else to think about: Ford has
spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US,
claiming they can't make money paying American wages. Toyota has spent
the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US .

The last quarter's results: Toyota makes 4 billion in profits while Ford
racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads.

IF THIS WASN'T SO SAD IT MIGHT BE FUNNY !!!!

True

2007-05-24T00:00:00.001-05:00

Disrespect to our Flag and Nation

2007-05-23T23:49:00.001-05:00

You will not see this heart-stopping photo on the front page of the NY Times or on the lead story of the major news networks. The protestors put up the Mexican flag over the American flag flying upside down at Montebello High School in California .

I predict this stunt will be the nail in the coffin of any guest-worker/amnesty plan on the table in Washington .. The image of the American flag subsumed to another and turned upside down on American soil is already spreading on Internet forums and via e-mail.

Pass this along to every American citizen in your address books and to every representative in the state and federal government. If you choose to remain uninvolved, do not be amazed when you no longer have a nation to call your own nor anything you have worked for left since it will be "redistributed" to the activists while you are so peacefully staying out of the "fray". Check history, it is full of nations/empires that disappeared when its citizens no longer held their core beliefs and values. One person CAN make a difference. One plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one.........

The battle for our secure borders and immigration laws that actually mean something, however, hasn't even begun.

And a note from yours truly

This is utterly disrespectful to our nation and our flag. If you love Mexico so dang much then why aren't you living there. GO HOME. Our men and women do not serve to protect idiots like you nor did some of them give their lives so you could fly the mexican flag above MY upside down flag. These people should be charged with treason and threating the sovereignty. Or they should be deported immediately.

GOD BLESS AMERICA

Tom

Are You Smarter Than a Fourth-grader?

2007-05-23T23:47:00.001-05:00

OK Class,

It's time for your U.S. Geography Test!

You must drag and drop all 48 states in the allotted time to be promoted to the 4th grade.

I'll give you a clue: The timer starts as soon as the page is loaded so don't dawdle.

Click the webpage below... Ready... Begin!

http://www.pibmug.com/files/map_test.swf

Take the Internet to Go: Yahoo!Go puts the Internet in your pocket: mail, news, photos & more.

Buffet Concert

2007-05-23T23:46:00.000-05:00

Me and the wifey at the concert.

The gang after the concert sober....well maybe not

Buffet Concert at Minute Maid Park

2007-05-23T23:41:00.000-05:00

Mother

2007-05-23T23:37:00.000-05:00

For those lucky to still be blessed with your Mom, this is beautiful.
For those of us who aren't, this is even more beautiful.
For those who are moms, you'll love this.

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is this the long way?" she asked.
And the guide said: "Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it.. But the end will be better than the beginning."
But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years.
So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."
Then the night came, and the storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."
And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children," A little patience and we are there." So the children climbed, and when they reached the top they said, "Mother, we would not have done it without you."
And the mother, when she lay down at night looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage. Today, I've given them strength."
And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the mother said: "Look up. Lift your eyes to the light. " And the children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness.
And that night the Mother said, "This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God." And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage.
And when the way was rough, they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide.
And mother said, "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them."
And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates." And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her.

And they said: "We cannot see her but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence......." Your Mother is always with you.... She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks; she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop. She's the place you came from, your first home; and she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love and your first heartbreak, and nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space... not even death!

Who's working anyway?

2007-05-18T10:51:00.000-05:00

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, sitting on your rear end, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

Amen

2007-05-04T12:08:00.001-05:00

A funny parallel...

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed.
Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the
table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the poop. It was everywhere:
on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere.

Then some of the birds turned mean: They would dive bomb me and try to peck me
even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were
boisterous and loud: They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all
hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. I took down
the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their
mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quite, serene and no one
demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now lets see...our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free
medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be a automatic citizen.
Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to
pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families: you have to
wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor: you child's 2nd grade
class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak
English: Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to press "one"
to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than
"Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights
and free liberties.

Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder!!!!

Life on a Train

2007-05-03T14:29:00.001-05:00

A while back, I read a very interesting story that compared life to a train ride or a series of train rides

Life is like a train ride, it read. We get on. We ride. We get off.

We get back on and ride some more.

There are accidents and there are delays. At certain stops there are surprises. Some of these will translate into great moments of joy, some will result in profound sorrow.

When we are born and we first board the train, we meet people whom we think will be with us for the entire journey. Those people are our parents.

Our parents are with us for as long as we absolutely need them. They too have journeys they must complete. We live on with the memories of their love, affection, friendship, guidance and their ever presence.

There are others who board the train and who eventually become very important to us, in turn.

These people are our brothers, sisters, friends and acquaintances, whom we will learn to love and cherish.

Some people consider their journey like a jaunty tour. They will just go merrily along.

Others, will encounter many upsets, tears, losses on their journey.

Others still, will linger on to offer a helping hand to anyone in need.

Some people on the train will leave an everlasting impression when they get off….

Some will get on and get off the train so quickly, they will scarcely leave a sign that they ever traveled along with you or ever crossed your path…

We will sometimes be upset that some passengers whom we love will choose to sit in another compartment and leave us to travel on our own.

Then again, there’s nothing that says we can’t seek them out anyway.

Nevertheless, once sought out and found, we may not even be able to sit next to them because that seat will already be taken.

That’s okay…everyone’s journey will be filled with hopes, dreams, challenges, setbacks and goodbyes.

We must strive to make the best of it…no matter what…

We must constantly strive to understand our travel companions and look for the best in everyone.

Remember that at any moment during our journey, any one of our travel companions can have a weak moment and be in need of our help.

We too may hesitate, even trip…hopefully we can count on someone being there to be supportive and understanding.

The bigger mystery of our journey is that we don’t know when our last stop will come. Neither do we know when our travel companions will make their last stop. Not even those sitting in the seat next to us.

Personally, I know I’ll be sad to make my final stop….I’m sure of it!

My separation from all those friends and acquaintances I made during the train ride will be painful. Leaving all those I’m close to will be a sad thing. But then again, I’m certain that one day I’ll get to the main station only to meet up with everyone else. They’ll all be Carrying their baggage…most of which they didn’t have when they first got on this train.

I’ll be glad to see them again. I’ll also be glad to have contributed to their baggage…and to have enriched their lives, just as much as they will have contributed to my baggage and enriched my life.

We’re all on this train ride together. Above all, we should try to strive to make the ride as pleasant and memorable as we can, right up until we each make the final stop and leave the train for the last time.

Smiles

2007-05-02T09:36:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note for all of you out there in never-never land that have kids.

First thing in the morning have you ever woken up your child when they were a baby? Some mornings I get this pleasure. Let me tell you my experience this morning.

Madison woke up about 4 am crying for some reason. After I checked on her and calmed her down she went right back to sleep. At this point I was really tired and a little frustrated to be honest. She usually does not wake up this early. So at about 6:30 am I went to wake her up so she could eat and we could start our day. I am not going to lie, I was exhausted and not moving very fast since I never really fell all the way back to sleep after I woke up. As the water was warming for her bottle I went to wake her up. She was sleeping on her back with her arms straight up by her head like someone was sticking her up. It’s kind of a funny site to see. Anyway, I picked her up and put her on the changing pad. She tucked her legs and arms close to her body and then extended them for a big stretch. As she slowly starts to open her eyes I can see she is trying to focus in on me.

Now here is the best part. Once she has focused in on me she gave me the biggest smile!!!!! “Well good morning sunshine” I said to her. She responded with some coos. This is the best feeling in the world and this description just doesn’t do it justice. No matter what is going on in the world, stress at work, being exhausted and frustrated or whatever, it is all washed away by this one simple smile of my daughter. It is such a wonderful feeling and the most beautiful site to see.

So as I start the day I know that no matter what happens my daughter will always have a smile for me to make everything better.

I Am A Toddler

2007-05-01T09:53:00.001-05:00

I AM A *TODDLER*

If it's on, I must turn it off.
If it's off, I must turn it on.
If it's folded, I must unfold it.
If it's high, it must be reached.
If it's shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it's pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it's plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it's not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it's in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on
the floor.
If it's closed, it must be opened.
If it doesn't open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it's a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, computer
monitor, or table.
If it's full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it's empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it's a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it's a stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in
without protest and must be pushed by me instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it's paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it's YOUR toothbrush, it must be inserted into MY mouth.
If it's MY toothbrush, it must be inserted into YOUR mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it's a phone, I must talk into it, unless there is someone on the
other end.
If it's a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it's not food, it must be tasted.
If it's food, it must NOT be tasted.
If it has a tail, I must yank it.
If Mommy wants me to come, I must run away.
If Mommy wants me to go away, I must CLING ON FOR DEAR LIFE.
If it's sticky, it must go in my hair.
If it's bath time, I must run around naked until I'm caught.

I Owe My Mother

2007-05-01T09:47:00.001-05:00

These are great. How many have you heard when you were a kid?

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,!
in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million tim es.
Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think
you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day! you'll have kids, and I hope
they turn out just like you

MPG

2007-05-01T09:40:00.001-05:00

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon!

Police Humor

2007-04-26T10:00:00.001-05:00

These 16 Police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country: Police giving citations.

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

What to wear when your wife wants you to do chores

2007-04-25T09:24:00.001-05:00

How your cursor works...

2007-04-24T16:47:00.001-05:00

Be sure, after you click the link, to move your mouse "over" the circle.

Haven't you ever wondered how it works?

Now, through the miracle of the high technology, we can
see how it is done.

With the aid of a screen magnifying lens the mechanism
becomes apparent.

Go to: http://www.1-click.jp/

And after seeing this, DON'T YOU EVER COMPAIN THAT YOU WORK TOO HARD!

MORAL OF THE STORY

2007-04-24T16:36:00.001-05:00

*OLD VERSION*:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

************************************************************
*MODERN VERSION:*

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of green insects and call for an
immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for
failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote

Hurray for the internet!

2007-04-19T09:53:00.001-05:00

I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that
needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so
a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,
and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
>grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...!!

Still Learning

2007-04-18T14:19:00.001-05:00

I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad
it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she
Handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled
Christmas Tree lights.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a
"life.."

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt
On both hands. You need to be able to throw something back

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you But, if
You focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work
and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.!

Dog and Cat Diary

2007-04-17T13:25:00.001-05:00

"Excerpts from a Dog's Diary"

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:3 0am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

2007-04-17T13:10:00.000-05:00

Click Here

2007-04-14T10:07:00.000-05:00

My first Veteran's Honor rose from the plant that I bought last year after my grandparents passed away.

Google Maps

2007-04-13T09:59:00.001-05:00


 
 1. go to www.google.com
 2. click on "maps"
 3. click on "get directions"
 4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box)
 5. type "London" in the second box (the "to" box)
 6. click on "get directions"
   7. scroll down to step #23

real newspaper ads

2007-04-11T14:06:00.001-05:00

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE :

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything

Seen some of these before

2007-04-10T11:30:00.001-05:00

"You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter..

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made
it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on
the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your nonworking TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Dang, I love this state

2007-04-06T11:32:00.001-05:00

The population of Texas is 21 million

70% of the population of Texas lives within 200 miles of Austin.

Texas possesses three of the Top Ten most populous cities in the U.S. - Houston, Dallas and San Antonio.

Texas' most populous county is Harris county with 3.4 million residents in Houston. The least populated county is Loving county with 67 residents.

Texas has 215 cities with a population of 10,000 or more.

The Dallas-Fort Worth area has more residents - 5,221,801 - than 31 U.S. states. For example, Arizona has about 5.1 million residents.

Texas includes 267,339 square miles, or 7.4% of the nation's total area.

El Paso, Texas is closer to Needles, California (516 miles) than it is to Dallas, Texas (571 miles)

Texas' largest county is Brewster with 6,208 square miles. Connecticut (5,544 Sq Mi), Delaware (2,489 Sq Mi) and Rhode Island (1,545 Sq Mi) can fit inside this county.

The King Ranch itself near Corpus Christi is larger than the state of Rhode Island and includes 50,000 head of cattle.

Texas possesses 23,292 farms with 1,000 acres or more for a total of 132 million acres, or 80% of the state land area,

Texas has 90 mountains a mile or more high, with Guadalupe Peak in West Texas at 8,751 feet being the tallest.

Almost 10% of Texas is covered by forest which includes four national and five state forests.

Average yearly rainfall totals in West Texas are less than 8 inches while in East Texas totals exceed 56 inches.

The average January temperature for Amarillo is 36.7 degrees while in Brownsville the average is 61.4. On March 27, 1984, the temperature in Brownsville was 106 degrees while Amarillo reported snow and 35 degrees

Texas is popularly known as The Lone Star State.

The Alamo is located in San Antonio. It is where Texas defenders fell to Mexican General Santa Anna and the phrase Remember the Alamo originated. The Alamo is considered the cradle of Texas liberty and the state's most popular historic site.

Texas is the only state to have the flags of 6 different nations fly over it. They are: Spain, France, Mexico, Republic of Texas, Confederate States, and the United States.

Although six flags have flown over Texas, there have been eight changes of government: Spanish 1519-1685, French 1685-1690, Spanish 1690-1821, Mexican 1821-1836, Republic of Texas 1836-1845, United States 1845-1861, Confederate States 1861-1865, United States 1865-present.

During the period of July 24-26, 1979, the Tropical Storm Claudette brought 45 inches of rain to an area near Alvin, Texas, contributing to more than $600 million in damages. Claudette produced the United States 24 hour rainfall record of 43 inches.

More wool comes from the state of Texas than any other state in the United States.

Edwards Plateau in west central Texas is the top sheep growing area in the country.

Texas is the only state to enter the United States by treaty instead of territorial annexation.

The state was an independent nation from 1836 to 1845.

Texas boasts the nation's largest herd of whitetail deer.

A coastal live oak located near Fulton is the oldest tree in the state. The tree has an estimated age of more than 1,500 years.

Sam Houston, arguably the most famous Texan, was actually born in Virginia. Houston served as governor of Tennessee before coming to Texas.

Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.

When Texas was annexed in 1845 it retained the right to fly its flag at the same height as the national flag.

The first offensive action of the Texas Revolution occurred in Goliad on October 9, 1835 when local colonists captured the fort and town.

On December 20, 1835 the first Declaration of Texas Independence was signed in Goliad and the first flag of Texas Independence was hoisted.

The Hertzberg Circus Museum in San Antonio contains one of the largest assortments of circusana in the world.

The capital city of Austin is located on the Colorado River in south-central Texas. The capitol building is made from Texas pink granite. It served as the capital of the Republic of Texas in 1840-1842.

Austin is considered the live music capital of the world.

Texas is home to Dell and Compaq computers and central Texas is often referred to as the Silicon Valley of the south.

Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. The Dublin Dr Pepper, 85 miles west of Waco, still uses pure imperial cane sugar in its product.

The first suspension bridge in the United States was the Waco Bridge. Built in 1870 and still in use today as a pedestrian crossing of the Brazos River.

In 1836 five sites served as temporary capitals of Texas: Washington-on-the-Brazos: Harrisburg: Galveston: Velasco: and Columbia. Sam Houston moved the capital to Houston in 1837. In 1839 the capital was moved to the new town of Austin.

The capitol in Austin opened May 16, 1888. The dome of the building stands seven feet higher than that of the nation's Capitol in Washington, D.C.

Texas has the first domed stadium in the country. The structure was built in Houston and opened in April 1965.

The worst natural disaster in United States history was caused by a hurricane that hit Galveston in 1900. Over 8000 deaths were recorded.

The first word spoken from the moon on July 20, 1969 was Houston.

The state's cattle population is estimated to be near 16 million.

More land is farmed in Texas than in any other state.

More species of bats live in Texas than in any other part of the United States.

Laredo is the world's largest inland port.

Port Lavaca has the world's longest fishing pier. Originally part of the causeway connecting the two sides of Lavaca Bay, the center span of was destroyed by Hurricane Carla in 1961.

The Tyler Municipal Rose Garden is the world's largest rose garden. It contains 38,000 rose bushes representing 500 varieties of roses set in a 22-acre garden.

Amarillo has the world's largest helium well.

The world's first rodeo was held in Pecos on July 4, 1883.

The Flagship Hotel on Seawall Boulevard in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built entirely over the water.

The Heisman trophy is named for John William Heisman the first full-time coach and athletic director at Rice University in Houston.

Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other comparable area in North America.

The Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.

Jalapeno pepper jelly originated in Lake Jackson and was first marketed in 1978.

Capital City:	Austin
Statehood:	December 29, 1845 (28th)
Nickname:	Lone Star State
Motto:	Friendship
Origin of State Name:	Based on a word used by Caddo Indians meaning "friends"
Counties:	254
Land Area:	262,015 sq. mi.; 2nd largest
Highest Point:	Guadalupe Peak, 8,749 ft
Lowest Point:	Gulf of Mexico, sea level
State Bird:	Mockingbird
State Flower:	Bluebonnet (lupinus)
State Tree:	Pecan (carya illinoensis)
State Song:	Texas, Our Texas
State Web Site:	http://www.state.tx.us/
State Mammal (Large) :	Texas Longhorn
State Mammal (Small):	Armadillo
State Reptile:	Horned Lizard
State Flying Mammal:	Mexican Free-tailed Bat
State Plant:	Prickly Pear Cactus
State Grass:	Sideoats Grama
State Ship:	Battleship Texas
State Folk Dance:	Square Dance
State Fruit:	Texas Red Grapefruit
State Gemstone cut:	The Lone Star Cut
State Stone:	Petrified Palmwood
State Seashell:	Lightning Whelk
State Dish:	Chili
State Pepper:	Jalapeno
State Fish:	Guadalupe Bass
State Insect: State Shell:	Monarch Butterfly Lightning Welk
Longest State River:	Rio Grande (1270 miles)

update

2007-03-26T23:00:00.001-05:00

for all of those who are checking this blog and then Madison's , for some reason it will not let me upload pictures. Will try again soon

What I have learned

2007-03-26T22:41:00.000-05:00

This is just a brief list of what I have learned in the first few months of being a dad.

1. Sleeping is a luxury
2. Having both parents there to take care of the child makes a world of difference
3. It really does break your heart to see and hear your baby cry
4. You can't help but smile when your baby starts to smile at you
5. The expressions on your baby's face will make you smile and laugh every time
6. Changing diapers is not so bad
7. The colors pink and purple are so bad either
8. Knowing that a child is really a miracle
9. The baby is always perfect when the grandparents are around
10.I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much
11. I never knew I could love someone so much
12. It is the greatest feeling when your baby falls asleep on your chest

Here are a couple I had to learn the hard way.
1. When mixing formula with hot water in a jug with a cap, if you shake to much it will explode
2. Just because you open the diaper and the baby starts to pee doesn't mean that is all she has to go while you are in the middle of changing

I know there will be a lot more stuff yet to learn and as I get time I will try to post some more.

TO BE 6 AGAIN!

2007-03-26T22:30:00.001-05:00

TO BE 6 AGAIN

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
observing his wife turning back
and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked
what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still
looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,
made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms,
and then took her to Six Flags
theme park. What a day ! He put her on every
ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything
there was. Five hours Later they staggered out
of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her
stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he
ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop,
and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure ! Finally she
wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, Well Dear,
what was it like being six again ??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression
suddenly changed.

I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass !!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he is going to get it wrong.

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Get your game face on with the latest PS3 news and previews at Yahoo! Games.

Bridge to Hawaii

2007-03-26T22:27:00.001-05:00

A man was riding his Harley along a
California beach when suddenly the sky

clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because
you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she
feels inside.., what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment.., why she cries.., what she means when she says: "Nothing's
wrong".., and how I can make a woman truly happy!"

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

The fish are biting.
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Kentucky

2007-03-26T22:19:00.001-05:00

A man walked into a bar in Louisville, Kentucky and
ordered a drink. While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of
Hillary's political ads came on. After it went off, he stood up and announced to
everyone, "Hillary is a horse's ass!"

The bartender reached under the bar and brought out
an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the mouth,
knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.

After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened
himself up and said to the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know this was
Hillary country." "It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse  country!"

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Try the Yahoo! Mail Beta.

ATM Machines

2007-03-26T22:11:00.001-05:00

MALE VS.  FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A  new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines  enabling customers to withdraw  cash without leaving  their
vehicles.

Customers   using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined
below when  accessing their accounts."

"After  months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.
Please  follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

  1.   Drive up to the cash machine.
  2.   Put down your car window.
  3.   Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
  4.   Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
  5.   Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
  6.   Put window up.
  7.   Drive off.

>                **********************************************

FEMALE  PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately,   most of  this part is the  Truth.!!!!

1.   Drive  up to cash machine.
2.   Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3.   Set parking brake, put the window down.
4.   Find handbag, remove all contents on to  passenger seat to locate card.
5.   Tell person on cell phone you will call  them back and hang up.
6.   Attempt  to insert card into machine.
7.   Open car door to allow easier access to  machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.   Insert card.
9.   Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig  through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN
12. Press  cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter  amount of cash required.
14. Check  makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve  cash and receipt.
16. Empty  handbag again to locate wallet  and place cash inside.
17. Write  debit amount in check  register  and  place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check  makeup.
19. Drive  forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse  back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty  hand bag, locate cardholder,  and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give  dirty look to irate male driver; waiting  behind you.
24. Restart  stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial  person on cell phone.
26. Drive  for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release  Parking Brake.

Don't get soaked. Take a quick peek at the forecast
with theYahoo! Search weather shortcut.

Houston

2007-03-26T22:03:00.000-05:00

You know you're from Houston when...

You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still haven't left the city limits. (During rush hour, you haven't left your neighborhood.)
Spring is not the season, Katy is not the lady, and 1960 is not theyear.
The "farm-to-market" roads have seven lanes.
If you want to be a snob about your grocery shopping, you can go to Randall's Flagship, Rice Epicurean Market or a Kroger's Signature.
You have to turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees.
When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you know hejust stepped in a fire ant bed.
You know that the Astrodome will always be the Eighth Wonder of theWorld.
You come to work in short-sleeves and walk out at noon to find that a cold front has blown through, and the temperature has dropped 40 degrees in a matter of minutes.
You wander into a section of town where you can't read the streetsigns but you don't care because you can get great prices on fake designer merchandise there.
You go to an art festival on Westheimer and you're almost run down by two cross-dressers on roller blades, holding hands.
You hear everything but English spoken when you go to the Galleria to window-shop.
You know that "Dad gummit" has nothing to do with your father's failure to practice good dental hygiene.
You think "Y'all" is perfectly good usage if you're referring to more than one person.
You've never seen I-45 in any condition other than under-construction-- and you've lived here for 20-30 years.
If the humidity is below 90 percent, it's a good hair day.
The only real Mexican food is Tex-Mex.
You know that while saving you money, "Mattress Mac" has amassed more than the U.S. Treasury has.
You see nothing unusual about an 80-something former sheriff's deputy who wears a white toupee and blue sunglasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams, "MAR-VIN ZIND-ler, EYE-witness news" into a television camera every night.

Immigration laws

2007-03-15T21:27:00.000-05:00

Interesrting!!! ------- HARSH YOU SAY?? There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools, no special ballots for elections, all government business will be conducted in our language. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here. Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold political office. Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs. Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage. If foreigners do come and want to buy land that will be okay, BUT options will be restricted. You are not allowed waterfront property. That is reserved for citizens naturally born into this country. Foreigners may not protest; no demonstrations, no waving a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our president or his policies, if you do you will be sent home. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be hunted down and sent straight to jail. Harsh, you say?................. The above laws happen to be the immigration laws of " MEXICO " !

funny

2007-03-15T21:26:00.002-05:00

>Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the>White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.>>The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says:>"Nice pigs, sir.">>The President replies "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas>Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for>Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi.">>The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,>"Excellent trade, sir."

Jesus and teh Democrat

2007-03-15T21:26:00.001-05:00

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and askedthe waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across therestaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitressnodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup ofcoffee, on him.The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. Heshuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for acup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is thatJesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to giveJesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat.The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. Hehobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How'sabout gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light?" He, too, looked across therestaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once morenodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "Onmy bill," he said.As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him andsaid,"For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strengthcome back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For yourkindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up,and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips outthe door.Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled,"Don't touch me! I'm on disability!"

Jesse Jackson

2007-03-15T21:24:00.001-05:00

Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.
In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse, and told him to drink it all.
Jesse drank the concoction and replied, "God, that tasted like bull s---!"
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."

Sand and Stone

2007-03-15T21:22:00.000-05:00

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKINGTHROUGH THE DESERT.DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY, THEY HAD ANARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIENDSLAPPED THE OTHER ONEIN THE FACE. THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPEDWAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING,WROTE IN THE SAND:TODAY MY BEST FRIENDSLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.THEY KEPT ON WALKING,UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,WHERE THEY DECIDEDTO TAKE A BATH THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THEMIRE ! AND STARTED DROWNING,BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.AFTER HE RECOVERED FROMTHE NEAR DROWNING,HE WROTE ON A STONE:"TODAY MY BEST FRIENDSAVED MY LIFE ".THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIENDASKED HIM, "AFTER I HURT YOU,YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?"THE FRIEND REPLIED"WHEN SOMEONE HURTS USWE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OFFORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOESSOMETHING GOOD FOR US,WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONEWHERE NO WINDCAN EVER ERASE IT."LEARN TO WRITEYOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TOCARVE YOURBENEFITS IN STONE.THEY SAY IT TAKES AMINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL PERSON,
AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM,
A DAY TO LOVE THEM,
BUT THENAN ENTIRE LIFE TO FORGET THEM.

Test

2007-03-15T21:20:00.000-05:00

Cool Person Test

Simple Math

2007-03-15T21:19:00.000-05:00

This will Mess With Your Head.
3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30, SOEACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.
A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25, SOHE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.
ON THE WAY, THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLYBETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FORHIMSELF.
THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF$27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.

WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?

Been Busy

2007-03-15T21:16:00.001-05:00

Sorry peeps I have been busy with my little one. Here are some for you

Texas History for January

2007-01-30T23:04:00.000-06:00

January 1, 1863 - Confederate troops reclaimed Galveston harbor, the most important port in Texas, at the Battle of Galveston.

January 2, 1888 - The Daily-Times Herald published its first issue after the merger of the two Dallas newspapers, the Daily Times and the Daily Herald.
January 3, 1962 - Ground was broken to begin the building of the Astrodome in Houston, the first fully air-conditioned, enclosed, domed, multipurpose sports stadium in the world.
January 4, 1789 - Birthday of Benjamin Lundy, antislavery advocate who planned to create a colony of free blacks in Texas. His plans were interrupted by the Texas Revolution.
January 5, 1829 - Thomas S. Gathright, first president of the Agricultural and Mechanical College of Texas (now Texas A&M University), was born in Monroe County, Georgia.
January 6, 1808 - Hero of the Alamo, Albert Martin, was born in Providence Rhode Island. Martin served Texas as one of the “Old Eighteen” defenders of the “Come take it cannon” in Gonzales.
January 7, 1892 - The agreement between The Galveston, La Porte and Houston Railway was chartered to build the two-mile bridge across Galveston Bay.
January 8, 1910 - German born school teacher/inventor Jacob Brodbeck , considered by many to be the first man to fly in an airplane, passed away. Almost 40 years before the Wright brothers, Brodbeck created what he termed an "airship" and attempted flight in Luckenbach on Septmeber 20, 1865. The airship, with a rudder, wings, and a water propeller powered by coiled springs in case of accidental landings on water, featured an enclosed space for the "aeronaut", a compass, and a barometer. Though no official records exist, the airship is said to have managed to lift off from the ground above 12 feet and fly a distance of about 100 feet before the coil came unwound and the ship crashed into a chicken coup injuring the inventor. Brodbeck's other before-their-time inventions: an ice-making machine (in 1869) and a self-winding clock. For more information please fly to www.texaslesstravelled.com.
January 9, 1907- Cordelia Sloan married Robert Duke, a foreman and later general manager of the XIT ranch. She became the first woman game warden in Texas in the 1920s.
January 10, 1929 - María de Hernández helped found the Orden Caballeros de América, an organization to advance civic and political causes for Mexican-Americans and immigrants in San Antonio.
January 11, 1954 - Hernández v. the State of Texas was brought before the Supreme Court, which reversed the murder conviction of Pete Hernández because no Hispanics had served on the jury.
January 12, 1875 - Crockett County was formed, and was named after the Alamo hero David Crockett.
January 13, 1871 - José Antonio Navarro, a leading Mexican participant in the Texas Revolution, and one of three Mexican signers of the Texas Declaration of Independence, passed away.
January 14, 1836 - Wiliam McDowell was sworn into the Texas Army. He rode to San Antonio with David Crockett and later died in the battle of the Alamo.
January 15, 1841 - The initial Houston and Austin Turnpike Company was chartered to lay out a road from Austin to Houston.

Bad Puns

2007-01-30T23:03:00.000-06:00

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic alcoholic walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
"Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "Dam!".

15. And finally, there was the person who sent fifteen different puns to his friends,
with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did

21 Rules to live by

2007-01-30T23:00:00.000-06:00

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "God bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson .
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Safari

2007-01-30T22:59:00.000-06:00

>>> A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her> faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.>> One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles> discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading> rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.>>>> The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some> bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the> bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about> to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious> leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?">> Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of> terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the> leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!">> Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby> tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for> protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him> heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something> must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans> and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.>> The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,> monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving> canine!>> Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back> and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog> sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them> yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.>> "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another> leopard!>> Moral of this story....>>> Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth> and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Hmmmmmm

2007-01-30T22:55:00.000-06:00

From the L.A. Times

1. 40% of all workers in L.A. County ( L.A. County has 10.2 million people)
are working for cash and not paying taxes. This was because they are
predominantly illegal immigrants, working without a green card.

2. 95% of warrants for murder in Los Angeles are for illegal aliens.

3. 75% of people on the most wanted list in Los Angeles are illegal aliens.

4. Over 2/3 of all births in Los Angeles County are to illegal alien
Mexicans on Medi-Cal, whose births were paid for by taxpayers.

5. Nearly 25% of all inmates in California detention centers
are Mexican nationals here illegally.

6. Over 300,000 illegal aliens in Los Angeles County are living in garages.

7. The FBI reports half of all gang members in Los Angeles
are most likely illegal aliens from south of the border.

8. Nearly 60% of all occupants of HUD properties are illegal.

9. 21 radio stations in L.A. are Spanish speaking.

10. In L.A. County 5.1 million people speak English.
3.9 million speak Spanish.
(There are 10.2 million people in L.A. County ).
(All the above from the Los Angeles Times)

Less than 2% of illegal aliens are picking our crops, but 29% are on welfare.

Over 70% of the United States ' annual population growth (and over 90% of California , Florida , and New York ) results from immigration.

The cost of immigration to the American taxpayer in 1997 was, (after subtracting taxes immigrants pay), a NET $70 BILLION/year, [Professor Donald Huddle, Rice University ]. The lifetime fiscal impact (taxes paid minus services used) for the average adult Mexican immigrant is a NEGATIVE number.

29% of inmates in federal prisons are illegal aliens.

If they can come to this country to raise Hell and demonstrate by the thousands, WHY can't they take charge over the corruption in their own country?

We are a bunch of fools for letting this continue.

THE U.S. VS MEXICO

On February 15, 1998, the U.S. and Mexican soccer teams met at the Los Angeles
Coliseum. The crowd was overwhelmingly pro-Mexican even though most lived
in this country. They booed during the National Anthem and U.S. flags were held
upside down. As the match progressed, supporters of the U.S. team were insulted,
pelted with projectiles, punched and spat upon. Beer and trash were thrown at
the U.S. players before and after the match. The coach of the U.S. team, Steve
Sampson said, "This was the most painful experience I have ever had in this
profession."

Did you know that immigrants from Mexico and other non-European countries
can come to this country and get preferences in jobs, education, and government
contracts. It's called affirmative action or racial privilege. The Emperor of Japan
or the President of Mexico could migrate here and immediately be eligible for
special rights unavailable for Americans of European descent.

Corporate America has signed on to the idea that minorities and third world
immigrants should get special, privileged status. Some examples are Exxon,
Texaco, Merrill Lynch, Boeing, Paine Weber, Starbucks and many more.

DID YOU KNOW?
... that Mexico regularly intercedes on the side of the defense in criminal cases involving Mexican nationals?
... that Mexico has NEVER extradited a Mexican national accused of murder in the U.S. in spite of agreements to do so? According to the L.A. Times, Orange County , California is home to 275 gangs with 17,000 members, 98% of which are Mexican and Asian.
How's your county doing?

According to a New York Times article dated May 19, 1994, 20 years after
the great influx of legal immigrants from Southeast Asia , 30% are still on
welfare compared to 8% of households nationwide. A Wall Street Journal
editorial dated December 5, 1994 quotes law enforcement officials as stat-
ing that Asian mobsters are the "greatest criminal challenge the country
faces." Not bad for a group that is still under 5% of the population.

Is education important to you? Here are the words of a teacher who spent
over 20 years in the Los Angeles School system. "Imagine teachers in classes
containing 30-40 students of widely varying attention spans and motivation,
many of whom aren't fluent in English. Educators seek learning materials
likely to reach the majority of students and that means fewer words and
math problems and more pictures and multicultural references."

WHEN I WAS YOUNG

I remember hearing about the immigrants that came through Ellis Island .
They wanted to learn English. They wanted to breathe free. They wanted
to become Americans. Now, far too many immigrants come here with de-
mands. They demand to be taught in their own language. They demand spe-
cial privileges ... affirmative action. They demand ethnic studies that glorify their culture.

Now....Why can't we send them home??????

Questions

2007-01-30T22:51:00.000-06:00

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York to talk aboutthe world.

After her talk she offers question time.One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is."Kenneth," came the reply."And what is your question, Kenneth?""I have three questions, Ma-am:
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed theoffice?
And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you leftthe White House?"..
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddiesthat they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we?Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"This time a different little boy puts his hand up;Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is."Larry," he said."And what is your question?""I have five questions:
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed theoffice?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left theWhite House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

for your reading pleasure

2007-01-30T22:44:00.000-06:00

Wherever you stand, please take the time to read this; it ought to scare the pants off you!
We know Dick Lamm as the former Governor of Colorado. In that context his thoughts are particularly poignant. Recently there was an immigration overpopulation conference in Washington, DC, filled to capacity by many of America's finest minds and leaders. A brilliant college>professor by the name of Victor Hansen Davis talked about his latest book, "Mexifornia," explaining how immigration - both legal and illegal was destroying the entire>state of California. He said it would march across the country until it>destroyed all> vestiges of The American Dream.> >> > Moments later, former Colorado Governor Richard D. Lamm stood>up and gave a> stunning speech on how to destroy America. The audience sat>spellbound as he> described eight methods for the destruction of the United>States. He said, "If> you believe that America is too smug, too self-satisfied, too>rich, then let's> destroy America. It is not that hard to do. No nation in history>has survived> the ravages of time. Arnold Toynbee observed that all great>civilizations rise> and fall and that 'An autopsy of history would show that all>great nations> commit suicide.'"> >> > "Here is how they do it," Lamm said: "First, to destroy>America, turn America> into a bilingual or multi-lingual and bicultural country.">History shows that> no nation can survive the tension, conflict, and antagonism of>two or more> competing languages and cultures. It is a blessing for an>individual to be> bilingual; however, it is a curse for a society to be bilingual.>The historical> scholar, Seymour Lipset, put it this way: "The histories of>bilingual and> bi-cultural societies that do not assimilate are histories of>turmoil, tension,> and tragedy." Canada, Belgium, Malaysia, and Lebanon all face>crises of> national existence in which minorities press for autonomy, if>not independence.> Pakistan and Cyprus have divided. Nigeria suppressed an ethnic> > rebellion. France faces difficulties with Basques, Bretons,>and Corsicans.".> >> > Lamm went on: Second, to destroy America, "Invent>'multiculturalism' and> encourage immigrants to maintain their culture. Make it an>article of belief> that all cultures are equal. That there are no cultural>differences. Make it an> article of faith that the Black and Hispanic dropout rates are>due solely to> prejudice and discrimination by the majority. Every other>explanation is out of> bounds.> >> > Third, "We could make the United States an 'Hispanic Quebec'>without much> effort. The key is to celebrate diversity rather than unity. As>Benjamin Schwarz> said in the Atlantic Monthly recently: "The apparent success of>our own> multiethnic and multicultural experiment might have been>achieved not by> tolerance but by hegemony. Without the dominance that once>dictated> ethnocentricity and what it meant to be an American, we are left>with only> tolerance and pluralism to hold us together."> > Lamm said, "I would encourage all immigrants to keep their own>language and> culture. I would replace the melting pot metaphor with the salad>bowl metaphor.> It is important to ensure that we have various cultural>subgroups living in> America enforcing their differences rather than as Americans,>emphasizing their> similarities."> >> > "Fourth, I would make our fastest growing demographic group>the least> educated. I would add a second underclass, unassimilated,>undereducated, and> antagonistic to our population. I would have this second>underclass have a 50%> dropout rate from high school."> >> > "My fifth point for destroying America would be to get big>foundations and> business to give these efforts lots of money. I would invest in>ethnic identity,> and I would establish the cult of 'Victimology.' I would get all>minorities to> think that their lack of success was the fault of the majority.>I would start a> grievance industry blaming all minority failure on the majority>population."> >> > "My sixth plan for America's downfall would include dual>citizenship, and> promote divided loyalties. I would celebrate diversity over>unity. I would> stress differences rather than similarities. Diverse people>worldwide are mostly> engaged in hating each other - that is, when they are not>killing each other. A> diverse, peaceful, or stable society is against most historical>precedent.> People undervalue the unity it takes to keep a nation together.>Look at the> ancient Greeks. The Greeks believed that they belonged to the>same race; they> possessed a common Language and literature; and they worshipped>the same gods.> All Greece took part in the Olympic games. A common enemy,>Persia, threatened> their liberty. Yet all these bonds were not strong enough to>overcome two> factors: local patriotism and geographical conditions that>nurtured political> divisions. Greece fell. "E. Pluribus Unum" --From many, one. In>that historical> reality, if we put the emphasis on the 'pluribus' instead of the>'Unum,' we will> balkanize America as surely as Kosovo."> >> > "Next to last, I would place all subjects off limits; make it>taboo to talk> about anything against the cult of 'diversity.' I would find a>word similar to> 'heretic' in the 16th century - that stopped discussion and>paralyzed thinking.> Words like 'racist' or 'xenophobe' halt discussion and debate.>Having made> America a bilingual/bicultural country, having established>multi-culturism,> having the large foundations fund the doctrine of 'Victimology,'>I would next> make it impossible to enforce our immigration laws. I would>develop a mantra:> That because immigration has been good for America, it must>always be good. I> would make every individual immigrant symmetric and ignore the>cumulative impact> of millions of them."> >> > In the last minute of his speech, Governor Lamm wiped his>brow. Profound> silence followed. Finally he said,. "Lastly, I would censor>Victor Hanson> Davis's book "Mexifornia." His book is dangerous. It exposes>the plan to> destroy America. If you feel America. deserves to be destroyed,>don't read that> book."> >> > There was no applause. A chilling fear quietly rose like an>ominous cloud> above every attendee at the conference. Every American in that>room knew that> everything Lamm enumerated was proceeding methodically, quietly,>darkly, yet> pervasively across the United States today. Discussion is being>suppressed. Over> 100 languages are ripping the foundation of our educational>system and national> cohesiveness. Even barbaric cultures that practice female>genital mutilation are> growing as we celebrate 'diversity.' American jobs are>vanishing into the Third> World as corporations create a Third World in America - take>note of California> and other states - to date, ten million illegal aliens and>growing fast. It is> reminiscent of George Orwell's book "1984." In that story,>three slogans are> engraved in the Ministry of Truth building: "War is peace,">"Freedom is> slavery," and "Ignorance is strength."> >> > Governor Lamm walked back to his seat. It dawned on everyone>at the conference> that our nation and the future of this great democracy is deeply>in trouble and> worsening fast. If we don't get this immigration monster stopped>within three> years, it will rage like a California wildfire and destroy>everything in its> path especially The American Dream.

Let's Hear It For TEXAS

2007-01-30T22:37:00.000-06:00

Rules of TEXAS :

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate10 go east and west, Hwy 59 and Interstate 45 goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce!! Oh, yeah....We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat...IT AIN 'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in TEXAS ....and real chili never met a tomato!
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Rebels and the 'Dogs,' and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try Texas A&M, Rice , and Texas U . They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.
16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas ," If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
17. Always remember what our great ex-governor Ann Richards once said: " Texas can make it without the United States , but the United States can't make it without Texas !"

Texas is the greatest state ever!! If you're from Texas you're one bad hombre!!!

A Guy From Houston

2007-01-30T22:35:00.000-06:00

A guy from Houston dies and goes to hell. He has been a horrible man all his life.
The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer.To make it even worse, he cranks up the temperature and humidity.
After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Houstonian is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this! I've turned the heat way up, it's humid and you're crushing rocks. Why are you so happy?"
The Houstonian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Houston . Hot, humid, and a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Houstonian's remarks.
He then decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain, and torrential winds. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess.

Walking in mud up to his knees with rain blowing in his eyes, the Houston man is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.
Again, the devil asks how he can be so happy in such awful conditions. The man, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It's just like April in Houston . It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

Now the devil is completely baffled. He is more determined than ever to make the man suffer. He then makes the temperature plummet.
Suddenly, hell is blanketed in 10 feet of snow and ice. Confident that this will finally make the Houstonian unhappy, he checks in on him again. He is again aghast at what he sees! The guy is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in utter glee.

"How can you be so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below zero?" screams the devil.
Jumping up and down the man throws a snowball at the devil and yells,
"HELL IS FROZEN OVER!! This means the Texans are going to the playoffs!!"

North vs South

2007-01-30T22:29:00.000-06:00

Some of this you've heard before, some are new.

The North has Bloomingdales, The South has Dollar General
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .
In the South: --If you run yourcar into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, >just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same >store....do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy.
Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenceddialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

NOLA

2007-01-30T22:25:00.000-06:00

This happened on a recent flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans.

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked. "I've been transferred to New Orleans, there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, riots, drugs and the highest crime rate in the country ."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

it started way back when

2007-01-30T22:15:00.000-06:00

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during thesummer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention ofbeer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man tothe beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and togetherwere the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery . That's how villageswere formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q atnight while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservation movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The restbecame known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, mostpowerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolizedby the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most preferwhite wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women havehigher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, attorneys, >journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair tomake the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still providefor their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, sailors, airmen, >soldiers, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservativeswho own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producersand decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans aremore enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remainedin Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the abovebefore forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced ofthe >absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

New Math Exam

2007-01-30T21:34:00.000-06:00

INNER CITY HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
(So they can relate!!!)
I'm glad to see that schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations! It's about time!

NAME____________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________
CRIB_________________

1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 - 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her Boa on one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Read This

2007-01-30T21:32:00.000-06:00

One of my sons serves in the military. He is still stateside, here in California . He called me yesterday to let me know how warm and welcoming people were to him, and his troops, everywhere he goes, telling me how people shake their hands, and thank them for being willing to serve, and fight, for not only our own freedoms but so that others may have them also. But he also told me about an incident in the grocery store he stopped at yesterday, on his way home from the base. He said that ahead of several people in front of him stood a woman dressed in a burkha. He said when she got to the cashier she loudly remarked about the U.S. flag lapel pin the cashier wore on her smock. The cashier reached up and touched the pin, and said proudly," Yes, I always wear it and probably always will." The woman in the burkha then asked the cashier when she was going to stop bombing her countrymen, explaining that she was Iraqi. A gentleman standing behind my son stepped forward, putting his arm around my son's shoulders, and nodding towards my son, said in a calm and gentle voice to the Iraqi woman: "Lady, hundreds of thousands of men and women like this young man have fought and died so that YOU could stand here, in MY country and accuse a check-out cashier of bombing YOUR countrymen. It is my belief that had you been this outspoken in YOUR own country, we wouldn't need to be there today. But, hey, if you have now learned how to speak outso loudly and clearly, I'll gladly buy you a ticket and pay your way back to Iraq so you can straighten out the mess in YOUR country that you are obviously here in MY country to avoid." Everyone within hearing distance cheered!

Prison vs Work

2007-01-30T21:28:00.000-06:00

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

Prison: You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
Work: You spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

Prison: You get three meals a day fully paid for
Work: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

Prison: You get time off for good behavior
Work: You get more work for good behavior

Prison: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
Work: You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

Prison: You can watch TV and play games
Work: You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

Prison: You get your own toilet
Work: You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

Prison: They allow your family and friends to visit
Work: You aren't even supposed to speak to your family

Prison: All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
Work: You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners, and welfare

Prison: You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
Work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

Prison: You must deal with sadistic wardens
Work: They are called managers

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

I HAVE A DAUGHTER

2007-01-30T21:23:00.000-06:00

Hello my friends !!!!!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I have been a little busy welcoming my daughter Madison Avery into this crazy world of ours. I will post pics a little later and set her up with her own blog.

Later

If you are reading this.....

2006-12-13T19:33:00.000-06:00

Is a Zebra a horse or a donkey?????

Things I have known

2006-12-13T19:27:00.001-06:00

In the military we learned the following.

When you are in a position of authority...

If you don't take care of your troops, your troops won't take care of you.

If you treat them right then they will do anything for you above and beyond what they have to. Your troops are what make you look good or bad to your superiors.

This concept can be applied in the business world today but I don't see it happening very much. I am not saying that you let your troops walk all over you or anything but you should treat them with dignity and respect. The same dignity and respect that you expect to be given.

Hello

2006-12-13T19:27:00.000-06:00

Does anyone really read this????????????????????

Agenda for the Democratic National Convention for 2008:

2006-11-15T18:55:00.000-06:00

7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.

7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N. and opening song by the Dixie Chicks

7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

7:35 till 8:00 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship. Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.

8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging and Cat show

8:15 P.M. Gay Wedding - Barney Frank, presiding.

8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan & Susan Sarandon.

9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender - French President Jacques Chirac

9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.

9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn.

9:40 P.M. Why I hate the Military - a short talk by William Jefferson Clinton.

9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presents Truth in Broadcasting award by Michael Moore.

9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Towers - Howard Dean.

10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahmadinejad.

11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents the Internet.

11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry.

11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Hillary Rodham Clinton.

12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home