Dang, I love this state

The population of Texas is 21 million

70% of the population of Texas lives within 200 miles of Austin.

Texas possesses three of the Top Ten most populous cities in the U.S. - Houston, Dallas and San Antonio.

Texas' most populous county is Harris county with 3.4 million residents in Houston. The least populated county is Loving county with 67 residents.

Texas has 215 cities with a population of 10,000 or more.

The Dallas-Fort Worth area has more residents - 5,221,801 - than 31 U.S. states. For example, Arizona has about 5.1 million residents.

Texas includes 267,339 square miles, or 7.4% of the nation's total area.

El Paso, Texas is closer to Needles, California (516 miles) than it is to Dallas, Texas (571 miles)

Texas' largest county is Brewster with 6,208 square miles. Connecticut (5,544 Sq Mi), Delaware (2,489 Sq Mi) and Rhode Island (1,545 Sq Mi) can fit inside this county.

The King Ranch itself near Corpus Christi is larger than the state of Rhode Island and includes 50,000 head of cattle.

Texas possesses 23,292 farms with 1,000 acres or more for a total of 132 million acres, or 80% of the state land area,

Texas has 90 mountains a mile or more high, with Guadalupe Peak in West Texas at 8,751 feet being the tallest.

Almost 10% of Texas is covered by forest which includes four national and five state forests.

Average yearly rainfall totals in West Texas are less than 8 inches while in East Texas totals exceed 56 inches.

The average January temperature for Amarillo is 36.7 degrees while in Brownsville the average is 61.4. On March 27, 1984, the temperature in Brownsville was 106 degrees while Amarillo reported snow and 35 degrees

Texas is popularly known as The Lone Star State.

The Alamo is located in San Antonio. It is where Texas defenders fell to Mexican General Santa Anna and the phrase Remember the Alamo originated. The Alamo is considered the cradle of Texas liberty and the state's most popular historic site.

Texas is the only state to have the flags of 6 different nations fly over it. They are: Spain, France, Mexico, Republic of Texas, Confederate States, and the United States.

Although six flags have flown over Texas, there have been eight changes of government: Spanish 1519-1685, French 1685-1690, Spanish 1690-1821, Mexican 1821-1836, Republic of Texas 1836-1845, United States 1845-1861, Confederate States 1861-1865, United States 1865-present.

During the period of July 24-26, 1979, the Tropical Storm Claudette brought 45 inches of rain to an area near Alvin, Texas, contributing to more than $600 million in damages. Claudette produced the United States 24 hour rainfall record of 43 inches.

More wool comes from the state of Texas than any other state in the United States.

Edwards Plateau in west central Texas is the top sheep growing area in the country.

Texas is the only state to enter the United States by treaty instead of territorial annexation.

The state was an independent nation from 1836 to 1845.

Texas boasts the nation's largest herd of whitetail deer.

A coastal live oak located near Fulton is the oldest tree in the state. The tree has an estimated age of more than 1,500 years.

Sam Houston, arguably the most famous Texan, was actually born in Virginia. Houston served as governor of Tennessee before coming to Texas.

Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.

When Texas was annexed in 1845 it retained the right to fly its flag at the same height as the national flag.

The first offensive action of the Texas Revolution occurred in Goliad on October 9, 1835 when local colonists captured the fort and town.

On December 20, 1835 the first Declaration of Texas Independence was signed in Goliad and the first flag of Texas Independence was hoisted.

The Hertzberg Circus Museum in San Antonio contains one of the largest assortments of circusana in the world.

The capital city of Austin is located on the Colorado River in south-central Texas. The capitol building is made from Texas pink granite. It served as the capital of the Republic of Texas in 1840-1842.

Austin is considered the live music capital of the world.

Texas is home to Dell and Compaq computers and central Texas is often referred to as the Silicon Valley of the south.

Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. The Dublin Dr Pepper, 85 miles west of Waco, still uses pure imperial cane sugar in its product.

The first suspension bridge in the United States was the Waco Bridge. Built in 1870 and still in use today as a pedestrian crossing of the Brazos River.

In 1836 five sites served as temporary capitals of Texas: Washington-on-the-Brazos: Harrisburg: Galveston: Velasco: and Columbia. Sam Houston moved the capital to Houston in 1837. In 1839 the capital was moved to the new town of Austin.

The capitol in Austin opened May 16, 1888. The dome of the building stands seven feet higher than that of the nation's Capitol in Washington, D.C.

Texas has the first domed stadium in the country. The structure was built in Houston and opened in April 1965.

The worst natural disaster in United States history was caused by a hurricane that hit Galveston in 1900. Over 8000 deaths were recorded.

The first word spoken from the moon on July 20, 1969 was Houston.

The state's cattle population is estimated to be near 16 million.

More land is farmed in Texas than in any other state.

More species of bats live in Texas than in any other part of the United States.

Laredo is the world's largest inland port.

Port Lavaca has the world's longest fishing pier. Originally part of the causeway connecting the two sides of Lavaca Bay, the center span of was destroyed by Hurricane Carla in 1961.

The Tyler Municipal Rose Garden is the world's largest rose garden. It contains 38,000 rose bushes representing 500 varieties of roses set in a 22-acre garden.

Amarillo has the world's largest helium well.

The world's first rodeo was held in Pecos on July 4, 1883.

The Flagship Hotel on Seawall Boulevard in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built entirely over the water.

The Heisman trophy is named for John William Heisman the first full-time coach and athletic director at Rice University in Houston.

Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other comparable area in North America.

The Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.

Jalapeno pepper jelly originated in Lake Jackson and was first marketed in 1978.

Capital City:	Austin
Statehood:	December 29, 1845 (28th)
Nickname:	Lone Star State
Motto:	Friendship
Origin of State Name:	Based on a word used by Caddo Indians meaning "friends"
Counties:	254
Land Area:	262,015 sq. mi.; 2nd largest
Highest Point:	Guadalupe Peak, 8,749 ft
Lowest Point:	Gulf of Mexico, sea level
State Bird:	Mockingbird
State Flower:	Bluebonnet (lupinus)
State Tree:	Pecan (carya illinoensis)
State Song:	Texas, Our Texas
State Web Site:	http://www.state.tx.us/
State Mammal (Large) :	Texas Longhorn
State Mammal (Small):	Armadillo
State Reptile:	Horned Lizard
State Flying Mammal:	Mexican Free-tailed Bat
State Plant:	Prickly Pear Cactus
State Grass:	Sideoats Grama
State Ship:	Battleship Texas
State Folk Dance:	Square Dance
State Fruit:	Texas Red Grapefruit
State Gemstone cut:	The Lone Star Cut
State Stone:	Petrified Palmwood
State Seashell:	Lightning Whelk
State Dish:	Chili
State Pepper:	Jalapeno
State Fish:	Guadalupe Bass
State Insect: State Shell:	Monarch Butterfly Lightning Welk
Longest State River:	Rio Grande (1270 miles)

update

for all of those who are checking this blog and then Madison's , for some reason it will not let me upload pictures. Will try again soon

What I have learned

This is just a brief list of what I have learned in the first few months of being a dad.

1. Sleeping is a luxury
2. Having both parents there to take care of the child makes a world of difference
3. It really does break your heart to see and hear your baby cry
4. You can't help but smile when your baby starts to smile at you
5. The expressions on your baby's face will make you smile and laugh every time
6. Changing diapers is not so bad
7. The colors pink and purple are so bad either
8. Knowing that a child is really a miracle
9. The baby is always perfect when the grandparents are around
10.I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much
11. I never knew I could love someone so much
12. It is the greatest feeling when your baby falls asleep on your chest

Here are a couple I had to learn the hard way.
1. When mixing formula with hot water in a jug with a cap, if you shake to much it will explode
2. Just because you open the diaper and the baby starts to pee doesn't mean that is all she has to go while you are in the middle of changing

I know there will be a lot more stuff yet to learn and as I get time I will try to post some more.

TO BE 6 AGAIN!

 

 

TO BE 6 AGAIN

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
observing his wife turning back
and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked
what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still
looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,
made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms,
and then took her to Six Flags
theme park. What a day ! He put her on every
ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything
there was. Five hours Later they staggered out
of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her
stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he
ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop,
and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure ! Finally she
wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, Well Dear,
what was it like being six again ??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression
suddenly changed.

I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass !!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he is going to get it wrong.

---

Be a PS3 game guru.
Get your game face on with the latest PS3 news and previews at Yahoo! Games.

Bridge to Hawaii

A man was riding his Harley along a
California beach when suddenly the sky

clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because
you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish." 

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want." 

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic.  Think of the enormous
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of something that could possibly help mankind." 

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she
feels inside.., what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment.., why she cries.., what she means when she says: "Nothing's
wrong".., and how I can make a woman truly happy!" 

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge? 

---

The fish are biting.
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Kentucky

 

A man walked into a bar in Louisville, Kentucky and  ordered a drink.  While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of  Hillary's political ads came  on.  After it went off, he stood up and announced to  everyone, "Hillary is a  horse's ass!"    The bartender reached under the bar and brought out  an oak club about 18  inches long and hit the man square across the mouth,  knocking him off his stool  and onto the floor.    After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened  himself up and said to  the bartender, "I'm sorry.  I didn't know this was  Hillary country."  "It's  not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse  country!"

 

---

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ATM Machines

MALE VS.  FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A  new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines  enabling customers to withdraw  cash without leaving  their
vehicles.

Customers   using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined
below when  accessing their accounts."

"After  months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.
Please  follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

  1.   Drive up to the cash machine.
  2.   Put down your car window.
  3.   Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
  4.   Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
  5.   Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
  6.   Put window up.
  7.   Drive off.

>                **********************************************

FEMALE  PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately,   most of  this part is the  Truth.!!!!

1.   Drive  up to cash machine.
2.   Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3.   Set parking brake, put the window down.
4.   Find handbag, remove all contents on to  passenger seat to locate card.
5.   Tell person on cell phone you will call  them back and hang up.
6.   Attempt  to insert card into machine.
7.   Open car door to allow easier access to  machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.   Insert card.
9.   Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig  through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN
12. Press  cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter  amount of cash required.
14. Check  makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve  cash and receipt.
16. Empty  handbag again to locate wallet  and place cash inside.
17. Write  debit amount in check  register  and  place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check  makeup.
19. Drive  forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse  back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty  hand bag, locate cardholder,  and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give  dirty look to irate male driver; waiting  behind you.
24. Restart  stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial  person on cell phone.
26. Drive  for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release  Parking Brake.

---

Don't get soaked. Take a quick peek at the forecast
with theYahoo! Search weather shortcut.

Houston

You know you're from Houston when...

You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still haven't left the city limits. (During rush hour, you haven't left your neighborhood.)
Spring is not the season, Katy is not the lady, and 1960 is not theyear.
The "farm-to-market" roads have seven lanes.
If you want to be a snob about your grocery shopping, you can go to Randall's Flagship, Rice Epicurean Market or a Kroger's Signature.
You have to turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees.
When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you know hejust stepped in a fire ant bed.
You know that the Astrodome will always be the Eighth Wonder of theWorld.
You come to work in short-sleeves and walk out at noon to find that a cold front has blown through, and the temperature has dropped 40 degrees in a matter of minutes.
You wander into a section of town where you can't read the streetsigns but you don't care because you can get great prices on fake designer merchandise there.
You go to an art festival on Westheimer and you're almost run down by two cross-dressers on roller blades, holding hands.
You hear everything but English spoken when you go to the Galleria to window-shop.
You know that "Dad gummit" has nothing to do with your father's failure to practice good dental hygiene.
You think "Y'all" is perfectly good usage if you're referring to more than one person.
You've never seen I-45 in any condition other than under-construction-- and you've lived here for 20-30 years.
If the humidity is below 90 percent, it's a good hair day.
The only real Mexican food is Tex-Mex.
You know that while saving you money, "Mattress Mac" has amassed more than the U.S. Treasury has.
You see nothing unusual about an 80-something former sheriff's deputy who wears a white toupee and blue sunglasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams, "MAR-VIN ZIND-ler, EYE-witness news" into a television camera every night.

Immigration laws

Interesrting!!! ------- HARSH YOU SAY?? There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools, no special ballots for elections, all government business will be conducted in our language. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here. Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold political office. Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs. Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage. If foreigners do come and want to buy land that will be okay, BUT options will be restricted. You are not allowed waterfront property. That is reserved for citizens naturally born into this country. Foreigners may not protest; no demonstrations, no waving a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our president or his policies, if you do you will be sent home. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be hunted down and sent straight to jail. Harsh, you say?................. The above laws happen to be the immigration laws of " MEXICO " !

funny

>Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the>White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.>>The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says:>"Nice pigs, sir.">>The President replies "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas>Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for>Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi.">>The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,>"Excellent trade, sir."

Jesus and teh Democrat

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and askedthe waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across therestaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitressnodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup ofcoffee, on him.The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. Heshuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for acup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is thatJesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to giveJesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat.The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. Hehobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How'sabout gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light?" He, too, looked across therestaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once morenodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "Onmy bill," he said.As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him andsaid,"For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strengthcome back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For yourkindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up,and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips outthe door.Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled,"Don't touch me! I'm on disability!"

Jesse Jackson

Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.
In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse, and told him to drink it all.
Jesse drank the concoction and replied, "God, that tasted like bull s---!"
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."

Sand and Stone

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKINGTHROUGH THE DESERT.DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY, THEY HAD ANARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIENDSLAPPED THE OTHER ONEIN THE FACE. THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPEDWAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING,WROTE IN THE SAND:TODAY MY BEST FRIENDSLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.THEY KEPT ON WALKING,UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,WHERE THEY DECIDEDTO TAKE A BATH THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THEMIRE ! AND STARTED DROWNING,BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.AFTER HE RECOVERED FROMTHE NEAR DROWNING,HE WROTE ON A STONE:"TODAY MY BEST FRIENDSAVED MY LIFE ".THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIENDASKED HIM, "AFTER I HURT YOU,YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?"THE FRIEND REPLIED"WHEN SOMEONE HURTS USWE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OFFORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOESSOMETHING GOOD FOR US,WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONEWHERE NO WINDCAN EVER ERASE IT."LEARN TO WRITEYOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TOCARVE YOURBENEFITS IN STONE.THEY SAY IT TAKES AMINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL PERSON,
AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM,
A DAY TO LOVE THEM,
BUT THENAN ENTIRE LIFE TO FORGET THEM.

Test

Cool Person Test

Simple Math

This will Mess With Your Head.
3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30, SOEACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.
A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25, SOHE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.
ON THE WAY, THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLYBETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FORHIMSELF.
THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF$27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.

WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?

Been Busy

Sorry peeps I have been busy with my little one. Here are some for you

Texas History for January

January 1, 1863 - Confederate troops reclaimed Galveston harbor, the most important port in Texas, at the Battle of Galveston.

January 2, 1888 - The Daily-Times Herald published its first issue after the merger of the two Dallas newspapers, the Daily Times and the Daily Herald.
January 3, 1962 - Ground was broken to begin the building of the Astrodome in Houston, the first fully air-conditioned, enclosed, domed, multipurpose sports stadium in the world.
January 4, 1789 - Birthday of Benjamin Lundy, antislavery advocate who planned to create a colony of free blacks in Texas. His plans were interrupted by the Texas Revolution.
January 5, 1829 - Thomas S. Gathright, first president of the Agricultural and Mechanical College of Texas (now Texas A&M University), was born in Monroe County, Georgia.
January 6, 1808 - Hero of the Alamo, Albert Martin, was born in Providence Rhode Island. Martin served Texas as one of the “Old Eighteen” defenders of the “Come take it cannon” in Gonzales.
January 7, 1892 - The agreement between The Galveston, La Porte and Houston Railway was chartered to build the two-mile bridge across Galveston Bay.
January 8, 1910 - German born school teacher/inventor Jacob Brodbeck , considered by many to be the first man to fly in an airplane, passed away. Almost 40 years before the Wright brothers, Brodbeck created what he termed an "airship" and attempted flight in Luckenbach on Septmeber 20, 1865. The airship, with a rudder, wings, and a water propeller powered by coiled springs in case of accidental landings on water, featured an enclosed space for the "aeronaut", a compass, and a barometer. Though no official records exist, the airship is said to have managed to lift off from the ground above 12 feet and fly a distance of about 100 feet before the coil came unwound and the ship crashed into a chicken coup injuring the inventor. Brodbeck's other before-their-time inventions: an ice-making machine (in 1869) and a self-winding clock. For more information please fly to www.texaslesstravelled.com.
January 9, 1907- Cordelia Sloan married Robert Duke, a foreman and later general manager of the XIT ranch. She became the first woman game warden in Texas in the 1920s.
January 10, 1929 - María de Hernández helped found the Orden Caballeros de América, an organization to advance civic and political causes for Mexican-Americans and immigrants in San Antonio.
January 11, 1954 - Hernández v. the State of Texas was brought before the Supreme Court, which reversed the murder conviction of Pete Hernández because no Hispanics had served on the jury.
January 12, 1875 - Crockett County was formed, and was named after the Alamo hero David Crockett.
January 13, 1871 - José Antonio Navarro, a leading Mexican participant in the Texas Revolution, and one of three Mexican signers of the Texas Declaration of Independence, passed away.
January 14, 1836 - Wiliam McDowell was sworn into the Texas Army. He rode to San Antonio with David Crockett and later died in the battle of the Alamo.
January 15, 1841 - The initial Houston and Austin Turnpike Company was chartered to lay out a road from Austin to Houston.

Bad Puns

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic alcoholic walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
"Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "Dam!".

15. And finally, there was the person who sent fifteen different puns to his friends,
with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did

21 Rules to live by

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "God bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson .
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Safari

>>> A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her> faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.>> One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles> discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading> rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.>>>> The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some> bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the> bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about> to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious> leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?">> Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of> terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the> leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!">> Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby> tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for> protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him> heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something> must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans> and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.>> The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,> monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving> canine!>> Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back> and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog> sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them> yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.>> "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another> leopard!>> Moral of this story....>>> Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth> and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Hmmmmmm

From the L.A. Times

1. 40% of all workers in L.A. County ( L.A. County has 10.2 million people)
are working for cash and not paying taxes. This was because they are
predominantly illegal immigrants, working without a green card.

2. 95% of warrants for murder in Los Angeles are for illegal aliens.

3. 75% of people on the most wanted list in Los Angeles are illegal aliens.

4. Over 2/3 of all births in Los Angeles County are to illegal alien
Mexicans on Medi-Cal, whose births were paid for by taxpayers.

5. Nearly 25% of all inmates in California detention centers
are Mexican nationals here illegally.

6. Over 300,000 illegal aliens in Los Angeles County are living in garages.

7. The FBI reports half of all gang members in Los Angeles
are most likely illegal aliens from south of the border.

8. Nearly 60% of all occupants of HUD properties are illegal.

9. 21 radio stations in L.A. are Spanish speaking.

10. In L.A. County 5.1 million people speak English.
3.9 million speak Spanish.
(There are 10.2 million people in L.A. County ).
(All the above from the Los Angeles Times)

Less than 2% of illegal aliens are picking our crops, but 29% are on welfare.

Over 70% of the United States ' annual population growth (and over 90% of California , Florida , and New York ) results from immigration.

The cost of immigration to the American taxpayer in 1997 was, (after subtracting taxes immigrants pay), a NET $70 BILLION/year, [Professor Donald Huddle, Rice University ]. The lifetime fiscal impact (taxes paid minus services used) for the average adult Mexican immigrant is a NEGATIVE number.

29% of inmates in federal prisons are illegal aliens.

If they can come to this country to raise Hell and demonstrate by the thousands, WHY can't they take charge over the corruption in their own country?

We are a bunch of fools for letting this continue.


THE U.S. VS MEXICO

On February 15, 1998, the U.S. and Mexican soccer teams met at the Los Angeles
Coliseum. The crowd was overwhelmingly pro-Mexican even though most lived
in this country. They booed during the National Anthem and U.S. flags were held
upside down. As the match progressed, supporters of the U.S. team were insulted,
pelted with projectiles, punched and spat upon. Beer and trash were thrown at
the U.S. players before and after the match. The coach of the U.S. team, Steve
Sampson said, "This was the most painful experience I have ever had in this
profession."

Did you know that immigrants from Mexico and other non-European countries
can come to this country and get preferences in jobs, education, and government
contracts. It's called affirmative action or racial privilege. The Emperor of Japan
or the President of Mexico could migrate here and immediately be eligible for
special rights unavailable for Americans of European descent.

Corporate America has signed on to the idea that minorities and third world
immigrants should get special, privileged status. Some examples are Exxon,
Texaco, Merrill Lynch, Boeing, Paine Weber, Starbucks and many more.


DID YOU KNOW?
... that Mexico regularly intercedes on the side of the defense in criminal cases involving Mexican nationals?
... that Mexico has NEVER extradited a Mexican national accused of murder in the U.S. in spite of agreements to do so? According to the L.A. Times, Orange County , California is home to 275 gangs with 17,000 members, 98% of which are Mexican and Asian.
How's your county doing?

According to a New York Times article dated May 19, 1994, 20 years after
the great influx of legal immigrants from Southeast Asia , 30% are still on
welfare compared to 8% of households nationwide. A Wall Street Journal
editorial dated December 5, 1994 quotes law enforcement officials as stat-
ing that Asian mobsters are the "greatest criminal challenge the country
faces." Not bad for a group that is still under 5% of the population.

Is education important to you? Here are the words of a teacher who spent
over 20 years in the Los Angeles School system. "Imagine teachers in classes
containing 30-40 students of widely varying attention spans and motivation,
many of whom aren't fluent in English. Educators seek learning materials
likely to reach the majority of students and that means fewer words and
math problems and more pictures and multicultural references."


WHEN I WAS YOUNG

I remember hearing about the immigrants that came through Ellis Island .
They wanted to learn English. They wanted to breathe free. They wanted
to become Americans. Now, far too many immigrants come here with de-
mands. They demand to be taught in their own language. They demand spe-
cial privileges ... affirmative action. They demand ethnic studies that glorify their culture.

Now....Why can't we send them home??????

Questions

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York to talk aboutthe world.

After her talk she offers question time.One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is."Kenneth," came the reply."And what is your question, Kenneth?""I have three questions, Ma-am:
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed theoffice?
And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you leftthe White House?"..
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddiesthat they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we?Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"This time a different little boy puts his hand up;Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is."Larry," he said."And what is your question?""I have five questions:
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed theoffice?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left theWhite House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

for your reading pleasure

Wherever you stand, please take the time to read this; it ought to scare the pants off you!
We know Dick Lamm as the former Governor of Colorado. In that context his thoughts are particularly poignant. Recently there was an immigration overpopulation conference in Washington, DC, filled to capacity by many of America's finest minds and leaders. A brilliant college>professor by the name of Victor Hansen Davis talked about his latest book, "Mexifornia," explaining how immigration - both legal and illegal was destroying the entire>state of California. He said it would march across the country until it>destroyed all> vestiges of The American Dream.> >> > Moments later, former Colorado Governor Richard D. Lamm stood>up and gave a> stunning speech on how to destroy America. The audience sat>spellbound as he> described eight methods for the destruction of the United>States. He said, "If> you believe that America is too smug, too self-satisfied, too>rich, then let's> destroy America. It is not that hard to do. No nation in history>has survived> the ravages of time. Arnold Toynbee observed that all great>civilizations rise> and fall and that 'An autopsy of history would show that all>great nations> commit suicide.'"> >> > "Here is how they do it," Lamm said: "First, to destroy>America, turn America> into a bilingual or multi-lingual and bicultural country.">History shows that> no nation can survive the tension, conflict, and antagonism of>two or more> competing languages and cultures. It is a blessing for an>individual to be> bilingual; however, it is a curse for a society to be bilingual.>The historical> scholar, Seymour Lipset, put it this way: "The histories of>bilingual and> bi-cultural societies that do not assimilate are histories of>turmoil, tension,> and tragedy." Canada, Belgium, Malaysia, and Lebanon all face>crises of> national existence in which minorities press for autonomy, if>not independence.> Pakistan and Cyprus have divided. Nigeria suppressed an ethnic> > rebellion. France faces difficulties with Basques, Bretons,>and Corsicans.".> >> > Lamm went on: Second, to destroy America, "Invent>'multiculturalism' and> encourage immigrants to maintain their culture. Make it an>article of belief> that all cultures are equal. That there are no cultural>differences. Make it an> article of faith that the Black and Hispanic dropout rates are>due solely to> prejudice and discrimination by the majority. Every other>explanation is out of> bounds.> >> > Third, "We could make the United States an 'Hispanic Quebec'>without much> effort. The key is to celebrate diversity rather than unity. As>Benjamin Schwarz> said in the Atlantic Monthly recently: "The apparent success of>our own> multiethnic and multicultural experiment might have been>achieved not by> tolerance but by hegemony. Without the dominance that once>dictated> ethnocentricity and what it meant to be an American, we are left>with only> tolerance and pluralism to hold us together."> > Lamm said, "I would encourage all immigrants to keep their own>language and> culture. I would replace the melting pot metaphor with the salad>bowl metaphor.> It is important to ensure that we have various cultural>subgroups living in> America enforcing their differences rather than as Americans,>emphasizing their> similarities."> >> > "Fourth, I would make our fastest growing demographic group>the least> educated. I would add a second underclass, unassimilated,>undereducated, and> antagonistic to our population. I would have this second>underclass have a 50%> dropout rate from high school."> >> > "My fifth point for destroying America would be to get big>foundations and> business to give these efforts lots of money. I would invest in>ethnic identity,> and I would establish the cult of 'Victimology.' I would get all>minorities to> think that their lack of success was the fault of the majority.>I would start a> grievance industry blaming all minority failure on the majority>population."> >> > "My sixth plan for America's downfall would include dual>citizenship, and> promote divided loyalties. I would celebrate diversity over>unity. I would> stress differences rather than similarities. Diverse people>worldwide are mostly> engaged in hating each other - that is, when they are not>killing each other. A> diverse, peaceful, or stable society is against most historical>precedent.> People undervalue the unity it takes to keep a nation together.>Look at the> ancient Greeks. The Greeks believed that they belonged to the>same race; they> possessed a common Language and literature; and they worshipped>the same gods.> All Greece took part in the Olympic games. A common enemy,>Persia, threatened> their liberty. Yet all these bonds were not strong enough to>overcome two> factors: local patriotism and geographical conditions that>nurtured political> divisions. Greece fell. "E. Pluribus Unum" --From many, one. In>that historical> reality, if we put the emphasis on the 'pluribus' instead of the>'Unum,' we will> balkanize America as surely as Kosovo."> >> > "Next to last, I would place all subjects off limits; make it>taboo to talk> about anything against the cult of 'diversity.' I would find a>word similar to> 'heretic' in the 16th century - that stopped discussion and>paralyzed thinking.> Words like 'racist' or 'xenophobe' halt discussion and debate.>Having made> America a bilingual/bicultural country, having established>multi-culturism,> having the large foundations fund the doctrine of 'Victimology,'>I would next> make it impossible to enforce our immigration laws. I would>develop a mantra:> That because immigration has been good for America, it must>always be good. I> would make every individual immigrant symmetric and ignore the>cumulative impact> of millions of them."> >> > In the last minute of his speech, Governor Lamm wiped his>brow. Profound> silence followed. Finally he said,. "Lastly, I would censor>Victor Hanson> Davis's book "Mexifornia." His book is dangerous. It exposes>the plan to> destroy America. If you feel America. deserves to be destroyed,>don't read that> book."> >> > There was no applause. A chilling fear quietly rose like an>ominous cloud> above every attendee at the conference. Every American in that>room knew that> everything Lamm enumerated was proceeding methodically, quietly,>darkly, yet> pervasively across the United States today. Discussion is being>suppressed. Over> 100 languages are ripping the foundation of our educational>system and national> cohesiveness. Even barbaric cultures that practice female>genital mutilation are> growing as we celebrate 'diversity.' American jobs are>vanishing into the Third> World as corporations create a Third World in America - take>note of California> and other states - to date, ten million illegal aliens and>growing fast. It is> reminiscent of George Orwell's book "1984." In that story,>three slogans are> engraved in the Ministry of Truth building: "War is peace,">"Freedom is> slavery," and "Ignorance is strength."> >> > Governor Lamm walked back to his seat. It dawned on everyone>at the conference> that our nation and the future of this great democracy is deeply>in trouble and> worsening fast. If we don't get this immigration monster stopped>within three> years, it will rage like a California wildfire and destroy>everything in its> path especially The American Dream.

Let's Hear It For TEXAS

Rules of TEXAS :

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate10 go east and west, Hwy 59 and Interstate 45 goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce!! Oh, yeah....We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat...IT AIN 'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in TEXAS ....and real chili never met a tomato!
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Rebels and the 'Dogs,' and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try Texas A&M, Rice , and Texas U . They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.
16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas ," If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
17. Always remember what our great ex-governor Ann Richards once said: " Texas can make it without the United States , but the United States can't make it without Texas !"

Texas is the greatest state ever!! If you're from Texas you're one bad hombre!!!

A Guy From Houston

A guy from Houston dies and goes to hell. He has been a horrible man all his life.
The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer.To make it even worse, he cranks up the temperature and humidity.
After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Houstonian is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this! I've turned the heat way up, it's humid and you're crushing rocks. Why are you so happy?"
The Houstonian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Houston . Hot, humid, and a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Houstonian's remarks.
He then decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain, and torrential winds. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess.

Walking in mud up to his knees with rain blowing in his eyes, the Houston man is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.
Again, the devil asks how he can be so happy in such awful conditions. The man, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It's just like April in Houston . It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

Now the devil is completely baffled. He is more determined than ever to make the man suffer. He then makes the temperature plummet.
Suddenly, hell is blanketed in 10 feet of snow and ice. Confident that this will finally make the Houstonian unhappy, he checks in on him again. He is again aghast at what he sees! The guy is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in utter glee.

"How can you be so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below zero?" screams the devil.
Jumping up and down the man throws a snowball at the devil and yells,
"HELL IS FROZEN OVER!! This means the Texans are going to the playoffs!!"

North vs South

Some of this you've heard before, some are new.


The North has Bloomingdales, The South has Dollar General
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .
In the South: --If you run yourcar into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, >just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same >store....do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy.
Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenceddialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

NOLA

This happened on a recent flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans.

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked. "I've been transferred to New Orleans, there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, riots, drugs and the highest crime rate in the country ."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

it started way back when

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during thesummer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention ofbeer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man tothe beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and togetherwere the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery . That's how villageswere formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q atnight while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservation movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The restbecame known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, mostpowerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolizedby the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most preferwhite wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women havehigher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, attorneys, >journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair tomake the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still providefor their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, sailors, airmen, >soldiers, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservativeswho own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producersand decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans aremore enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remainedin Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the abovebefore forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced ofthe >absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

New Math Exam

INNER CITY HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
(So they can relate!!!)
I'm glad to see that schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations! It's about time!

NAME____________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________
CRIB_________________

1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 - 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her Boa on one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Read This

One of my sons serves in the military. He is still stateside, here in California . He called me yesterday to let me know how warm and welcoming people were to him, and his troops, everywhere he goes, telling me how people shake their hands, and thank them for being willing to serve, and fight, for not only our own freedoms but so that others may have them also. But he also told me about an incident in the grocery store he stopped at yesterday, on his way home from the base. He said that ahead of several people in front of him stood a woman dressed in a burkha. He said when she got to the cashier she loudly remarked about the U.S. flag lapel pin the cashier wore on her smock. The cashier reached up and touched the pin, and said proudly," Yes, I always wear it and probably always will." The woman in the burkha then asked the cashier when she was going to stop bombing her countrymen, explaining that she was Iraqi. A gentleman standing behind my son stepped forward, putting his arm around my son's shoulders, and nodding towards my son, said in a calm and gentle voice to the Iraqi woman: "Lady, hundreds of thousands of men and women like this young man have fought and died so that YOU could stand here, in MY country and accuse a check-out cashier of bombing YOUR countrymen. It is my belief that had you been this outspoken in YOUR own country, we wouldn't need to be there today. But, hey, if you have now learned how to speak outso loudly and clearly, I'll gladly buy you a ticket and pay your way back to Iraq so you can straighten out the mess in YOUR country that you are obviously here in MY country to avoid." Everyone within hearing distance cheered!

Prison vs Work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.


Prison: You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
Work: You spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

Prison: You get three meals a day fully paid for
Work: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

Prison: You get time off for good behavior
Work: You get more work for good behavior

Prison: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
Work: You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

Prison: You can watch TV and play games
Work: You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

Prison: You get your own toilet
Work: You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

Prison: They allow your family and friends to visit
Work: You aren't even supposed to speak to your family

Prison: All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
Work: You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners, and welfare

Prison: You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
Work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

Prison: You must deal with sadistic wardens
Work: They are called managers

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

I HAVE A DAUGHTER

Hello my friends !!!!!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I have been a little busy welcoming my daughter Madison Avery into this crazy world of ours. I will post pics a little later and set her up with her own blog.

Later

If you are reading this.....

Is a Zebra a horse or a donkey?????

Things I have known

In the military we learned the following.

When you are in a position of authority...

If you don't take care of your troops, your troops won't take care of you.

If you treat them right then they will do anything for you above and beyond what they have to. Your troops are what make you look good or bad to your superiors.

This concept can be applied in the business world today but I don't see it happening very much. I am not saying that you let your troops walk all over you or anything but you should treat them with dignity and respect. The same dignity and respect that you expect to be given.

Hello

Does anyone really read this????????????????????

Agenda for the Democratic National Convention for 2008:

7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.

7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N. and opening song by the Dixie Chicks

7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

7:35 till 8:00 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship. Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.

8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging and Cat show

8:15 P.M. Gay Wedding - Barney Frank, presiding.

8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan & Susan Sarandon.

9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender - French President Jacques Chirac

9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.

9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn.

9:40 P.M. Why I hate the Military - a short talk by William Jefferson Clinton.

9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presents Truth in Broadcasting award by Michael Moore.

9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Towers - Howard Dean.

10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahmadinejad.

11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents the Internet.

11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry.

11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Hillary Rodham Clinton.

12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home

Halp Us

Back posting again

Ok so I haven't updated this in a while. I've been busy and just tired of posting but my email was filling up with things I wanted to post. So read the below and comment if you will.

Everything else is going great. My little one is due in just a few short months and my wife is doing great.

Hunting season is coming up soon. YEAAAAAHHHHH. I can't wait to get out in nature on the first week on December. It is always relaxing even if I don't even shoot anything. There is nothing like sitting in the woods far away from the hussle and bussle of the city and work to clear your mind. Anyway I am looking forward to that hunt and our traditional goose hunt over thanksgiving.

Anyway just a few short comments.

John Kerry - you are a complete idiot. You just called everyone in the military stupid. You are a flippin moron. You owe all of us an apology and stop trying to turn it around on Bush. I don't care how much you hate him or don't agree with the situation in Iraq, you still don't tell a bunch of students that if you don't do well in school you could always wide up in Iraq. Meaning you could always join the military. Meaning you think everyone in the military is ignorant. Like I said you are a moron. I hope that no one who has every served, had a family member serve or known someone who is/did serve in the military votes for you or anyone you support ever again.

Also check this out click here

see ya

Another about immigration

The best way to stop using so much gas is to
deport 11 million illegal immigrants!
That would be 11 million less people using our gas.
The price of gas would come down.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Editor:
So many letter writers have based their arguments on how this land is made up of immigrants. Ernie Lujan for one, suggests we should tear down the Statue of Liberty because the people now in question aren't being treated the same as those who passed through Ellis Island and other ports of entry.

Maybe we should turn to our history books and point out to people like Mr. Lujan why today's American is not willing to accept this new kind of immigrant any longer. Back in 1900 when there was a rush from all areas of Europe to come to the United States , people had to get off a ship and stand in a long line in New York and be documented. Some would even get down on their hands and knees and kiss the ground. They made a pledge to uphold the laws and support their new country in good and bad times. They made learning English a primary rule in their new American households and some even changed their names to blend in with their new home.

They had waved good bye to their birth place to give their children a new life and did everything in their power to help their children assimilate into one culture.

Nothing was handed to them. No free lunches, no welfare, no labor laws to protect them. All they had were the skills and craftsmanship they had brought with them to trade for a future of prosperity. Most of their children came of age when World War II broke out. My father fought along side men whose parents had come straight over from Germany , Italy , France and Japan .. None of these 1st generation Americans ever gave any thought about what country their parents had come from. They were Americans fighting Hitler, Mussolini and the Emperor of Japan. They were defending the United States of America as one people. When we liberated France , no one in those villages were looking for the French-American or the German American or the Irish American. The people of France saw only Americans. And we carried one flag that represented one country. Not one of those immigrant sons would have thought about picking up another country's flag and waving it to represent who they were. It would have been a disgrace to their parents who had sacrificed so much to be here.. These immigrants truly knew what it meant to be an American. They stirred the melting pot into one red, white and blue bowl.

And here we are in 2006 with a new kind of immigrant who wants the same rights and privileges. Only they want to achieve it by playing with a different set of rules, one that includes the entitlement card and a guarantee of being faithful to their mother country. I'm sorry, that's not what being an American is all about. I believe that the immigrants who landed on Ellis Island in the early 1900's deserve better than that for all the toil, hard work and sacrifice in raising future generations to create a land that has become a beacon for those legally searching for a better life. I think they would be appalled that they are being used as an example by those waving foreign country flags.

And for that suggestion about taking down the Statue of Liberty, it happens to mean a lot to the citizens who are voting on the immigration bill. I wouldn't start talking about dismantling the United States just yet.
(signed) Rosemary LaBonte

email I got that has some very good points

Im sorry, but after hearing they want
to sing OUR National Anthem in Spanish - enough is enough!
Nowhere did they sing it in Italian,
Japanese, Polish, Irish (Celtic), German, Portuguese, Greek, French, or any other language because of immigration.

It was written by Francis Scott Key and should be sung word for word the way it
was written. The news broadcasts even gave the translation - not even close.

Sorry if this offends anyone, but this is MY COUNTRY

IF IT IS YOUR COUNTRY, SPEAK UP!

I am not against immigration - just come through like everyone else.

Get a sponsor; have a place to lay your head; have a job; pay your taxes;

live by the rules; and LEARN THE LANGUAGE

as all other immigrants have in the past and

GOD BLESS AMERICA!


PART OF THE PROBLEM

Think about this:
If you don't want to forward this
for fear of offending someone,
YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM!
Will we still be the Country of choice
and still be America if we continue
to make the changes forced on us by
people from other countries who came
to live in America because it is the
Country of Choice?

Think about it!
All we have to say is, when will
Someone do something about
MY RIGHTS?
We've gone so far the other way,
bent over backwards to not
offend anyone, that I am now
being offended.

But it seems no one has a problem with that.


It is Time for America to Speak up
If you agree - pass this along;
if you don't agree - Pass it on anyway!

Hit the nail right on the head

Love him or loathe him, he nailed this one right on the head..........

By Rush Limbaugh:

I think the vast differences in compensation between victims of the September 11 casualty and those who die serving our country in Uniform are profound. No one is really talking about it either, because you just don't criticize anything having to do with September 11. Well, I can't let the numbers pass by because it says something really disturbing about the
entitlement mentality of this country. If you lost a family member in the September 11 attack, you're going to get an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum guarantee of $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million.


If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier killed in action, the first check you get is a $6,000 direct death benefit, half of which is taxable.

Next, you get $1,750 for burial costs. If you are the surviving spouse, you get $833 a month until you remarry. And there's a payment of $211 per month for each child under 18. When the child hits 18, those payments come to a screeching halt.

Keep in mind that some of the people who are getting an average of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining that it's not enough. Their deaths were tragic, but for most, they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Soldiers put themselves in harms way FOR ALL OF US, and they and their families know the dangers.

We also learned over the weekend that some of the victims from the Oklahoma City bombing have started an organization asking for the same deal that the September 11 families are getting. In addition to that, some of the families of those bombed in the embassies are now asking for compensation as well.

You see where this is going, don't you? Folks, this is part and parcel of over 50 years of entitlement politics in this country. It's just really sad. Every time a pay raise comes up for the military, they usually receive next to nothing of a raise. Now the green machine is in combat in the Middle East while their families have to survive on food stamps and live in low-rent housing. Make sense?

However, our own U.S. Congress voted themselves a raise. Many of you don't know that they only have to be in Congress one time to receive a pension that is more than $15,000 per month. And most are now equal to being millionaires plus. They do not receive Social Security on retirement because they didn't have to pay into the system.
If some of the military people stay in for 20 years and get out as an E-7, they may receive a pension of $1,000 per month, and the very people who placed them in harm's way receives a pension of $15,000 per month.

I would like to see our elected officials pick up a weapon and join ranks before they start cutting out benefits and lowering pay for our sons and daughters who are now fighting .
" When do we finally do something about this?"

Comment if you wish on any of the below

All of the below were posted on www.defenddemocracy.org

METRICS: More than 4,000 al Qaeda terrorists have been killed in Iraq, according to the leader of al Qaeda in Iraq who gave the figure in an audiotape posted on the Internet last week.

"The blood has been spilled in Iraq of more than 4,000 foreigners who came to fight," said Abu Hamza al-Muhajir, also known as Abu Ayyub al-Masri, who succeeded Abu Musab al-Zarqawi as commander of the al-Qaeda franchise in Iraq.

Whatever you may think of the wisdom of having invaded Iraq in 2003, whatever you may think of the current strategy in Iraq (I believe it requires serious revision), consider this: If these al-Qaeda terrorists had not been killed in Iraq, where would they be today and what would they be doing?

CAIR-LESS: The Council on American Islamic Relations (CAIR) is attacking Rep. Thaddeus McCotter because he has called those slaughtering innocent Iraqi Muslims "jihadist-fascists."

"Representative McCotter should use his time on the House floor to foster dialogue and mutual understanding, not to introduce hot-button terms that will further damage our nation's image in the Islamic world," said Dawud Walid, the Michigan Executive Director of CAIR (the Council on American Islamic Relations).

Walid said President George W. Bush had stopped using the term "Islamic fascist" after Muslims in America and around the world had protested that it was ill-defined and counterproductive in persuading people in the global conflict against terror.

What would CAIR have us call blood-thirsty supremacists who claim to derive legitimacy from their religion? Perhaps: "Men of peace with IEDs and butcher knives"?

LEAVING LEBANON: While the media gave huge play to a recent pro-Hezbollah demonstration in Beirut, there was virtually no coverage of the tens of thousands of Lebanese Christians who rallied two days later.

At that event, anti-Syrian Christian leader Samir Geagea said that most Lebanese "feel that a major catastrophe [has] befallen them and made their present and future uncertain."

Indeed, thousands of Lebanese Christians are said to be packing up and leaving Lebanon because of their fear of Hezbollah.

Not that many years ago, Lebanon was a majority Christian country. Call it slow-motion ethnic cleaning.

LARK Program

THE LARK PROGRAM
A liberal wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about
the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in
Guantanamo Bay . She received back the following reply:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington , D.C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of
the Taliban and Al Quada detainees currently being held at Guantanamo
Bay , Cuba .

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was
heard loud and clear here in Washington . You'll be pleased to learn
that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are
creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers"
program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal
detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed
guard to your residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some
assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure
that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so
strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem"
will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these
skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide
variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you
may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this
might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This
is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new
dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka
over time. Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and
his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good
care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching.

Good luck!

Cordially, your friend,

GEORGE W. BUSH

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus
Christ and the American G. I.

One died for your soul; the other for your freedom.

Interesting

Texas history.....

Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas ..

1. Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles

2. Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles

3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas

4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos , July 4, 1883 .

5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.

6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach for Rice University in Houston .

7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America .

8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America 's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.

9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.

10. The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 caused by a hurricane in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island .

11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969 , was " Houston ."

12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island .

13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a US . rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July 1979.

14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as Constitution of 1845 by Republic of Texas to enter the union) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the US flag, and may divide into 4 States.

15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.

16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.

17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885.

There is no period after Dr in Dr Pepper.

18. Texas has had six capital cities:

18.1 Washington-on-the-Brazos

18.2 Harrisburg

18.3 Galveston

18.4 Velasco

18.5 West Columbia

18.6 Austin

19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S which is taller than the CapitolBuilding in Washington D.C. (by 7 feet).

20. The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas .

21. The State animal is the Armadillo. (An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies! They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females. Well, I thought it was interesting anyway!)

22. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston .

23. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - TEXAS STYLE People here in Texas have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the ten Commandments. Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language:

Ten Commandments, Cowboy Style.

Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie , Texas .

(1) Just one God.

(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.

(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.

(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.

(5) Put nothin' before God.

(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.

(7) No killin'.

(8) Watch yer mouth.

(9) Don't take what ain't yers.

(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple don't ya think?

Y'all have a good Day.

Ye hear now ?

"THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPON YOU"