If you do let me know your thoughts on this
How can a fly, flying right side up, land on a ceiling upside down?
If you say it rolls over like a jet doing a barrel roll or something, then ok. Then does it know which way is really up and which way is down. Why doesn't it fly upside down all the time. Or does it usually fly upside down and it's legs are really on it's back?!?!?!?!
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Friday, June 16, 2006
Crazy Laws of Texas
If you think I am a little off my rocker then you will get a kick out of these laws of Texas
State Laws
One must acknowledge a supreme being before being able to hold public office.
Full text of the LawThe Texas ConstitutionArticle 1 - BILL OF RIGHTSSection 4 - RELIGIOUS TESTS
No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office, or public trust, in this State; nor shall any one be excluded from holding office on account of his religious sentiments, provided he acknowledge the existence of a Supreme Being.
OK. I will go along with this one.
It is illegal to sell one's eye.
Full text of the Law? 48.02. Prohibition of the Purchase and Sale of Human Organs
(a) "Human organ" means the human kidney, liver, heart, lung, pancreas, eye, bone, skin, fetal tissue, or any other human organ or tissue, but does not include hair or blood, blood components (including plasma), blood derivatives, or blood reagents.
(b) A person commits an offense if he or she knowingly or intentionally offers to buy, offers to sell, acquires, receives, sells, or otherwise transfers any human organ for valuable consideration.
(c) It is an exception to the application of this section that the valuable consideration is: (1) a fee paid to a physician or to other medical personnel for services rendered in the usual course of medical practice or a fee paid for hospital or other clinical services; (2) reimbursement of legal or medical expenses incurred for the benefit of the ultimate receiver of the organ; or (3) reimbursement of expenses of travel, housing, and lost wages incurred by the donor of a human organ in connection with the donation of the organ.
(d) A violation of this section is a Class A misdemeanor.
Added by Acts 1985, 69th Leg., ch. 40, ? 1, eff. Aug. 26, 1985. Amended by Acts 1993, 73rd Leg., ch. 900, ? 1.01, eff. Sept. 1, 1994.
What????? They actually had to make this a law. How big of a crack head do you have to be to sell your own eye?
A program has been created in the state that attempts to control the weather.
Full text of the Law? 20.003. Weather Modification and Control Grant Program
The department shall develop and administer a program awarding matching grants to political subdivisions of this state for weather modification and control.
Added by Acts 2001, 77th Leg., ch. 376, ? 2.01, eff. Sept. 1, 2001.
Tax dollars at work?!?!
When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
Apparently this was added to another bill by a state senator in order to make the original bill not pass. Well they both passed.
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
This law is probably because of something some drunk redneck did.
It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
A big problem especially in downtown Houston ?!?!?!
It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
Apparently we have problems with mysterious milkers
A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
What???? Seriously???? Do you really think they care.
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
Can you say Bible Belt
City Laws in Texas
Abilene
It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.
Austin
Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.
ExplanationIn the days of the old "wild west", cowboys would cut barbed wire fences of property owners in order to allow their cattle herds to pass through. To prevent such acts, an ordinance was passed. You better check their shoes.
Beaumont
Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University. Problems at games?
Borger
It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind. Those trouble making Borgerans !!! Where the hell is Borger anyway???
Clarendon
It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.
El Paso
Urinating on the streets is illegal. Good to know.
Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them. Ok?!?
Galveston
It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays. So all the drunks can walk home safely???
"Offensive gestures" will not be tolerated at any special event. But not at a "special event" is ok?
Bicycles must be operated at a "reasonable speed".
Full text of the LawSec. 9-4. Speed.
No person shall operate a bicycle at a speed greater than is reasonable and prudent under the conditions then existing. (Code 1960, Ch. 21 App., ? 68) So can you get a speeding ticket?
One needs permission from the director of parks and recreation before getting drunk in any city park.
Full text of the LawSec. 26-4. Alcoholic beverages.
It shall be unlawful for any person to consume, carry or bring any alcoholic beverage in or upon any park or playground in the city without a written permit from the director of parks and recreation.(Code 1960, ? 15-8(b)) Can I get the application?
Landing an airplane on the beach is illegal.
Full text of the LawSec. 8-11. Landing aircraft on beaches.
It shall be unlawful for any person to land or take off or operate any aircraft on the beach and what is commonly known as Seawall Boulevard except at heliports designated and approved by the Federal Aviation Administration.(Code 1960, ? 4-30) Houston, we have a problem
Any person who sits on a sidewalk may be fined up to $500.
Full text of the LawSec. 24-17. Impeding sidewalk.
It shall be unlawful for a person to stand or sit on a city sidewalk or city right-of-way so as to impede, physically or by intimidation, free and uninterrupted pedestrian passage. A violation of this section shall be a class C misdemeanor and upon conviction shall be punishable by a fine not to exceed five hundred dollars ($500.00).(Ord. No. 97-104, ? 2, 12-11-97) hmmmm ok
Houston
It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday. No wonder I can't find any.
Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday.
Is there some kind of secret time that I am missing?
Jasper
Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Even in your home?
Lubbock County
It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream. Make sure your drunk friend sits in the bed of the truck
Mesquite
It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts. Who determines "unusual"
Port Arthur
Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator. This law needs to be adopted world wide.
San Antonio
It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.
ExplanationThe Alamo was the site of a famous battle during the fight for Texas' independence from Mexico. During this battle, the fort was overrun, but not until most men fought until the death to defend it. In a highly publicized incident, Ozzy Osbourne urinated on this famed historical site which infuriated many Texans. He was banned from the site, and a law was passed to prevent such acts from happening again. Good !!!!!!
Temple
Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot. On the spot punk!!!
You can ride your horse in the saloon. Thank god this one passed. I thought I was going to get into trouble.
No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square. But you can in a saloon
Texarkana
Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights. Where do you plug them in??
State Laws
One must acknowledge a supreme being before being able to hold public office.
Full text of the LawThe Texas ConstitutionArticle 1 - BILL OF RIGHTSSection 4 - RELIGIOUS TESTS
No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office, or public trust, in this State; nor shall any one be excluded from holding office on account of his religious sentiments, provided he acknowledge the existence of a Supreme Being.
OK. I will go along with this one.
It is illegal to sell one's eye.
Full text of the Law? 48.02. Prohibition of the Purchase and Sale of Human Organs
(a) "Human organ" means the human kidney, liver, heart, lung, pancreas, eye, bone, skin, fetal tissue, or any other human organ or tissue, but does not include hair or blood, blood components (including plasma), blood derivatives, or blood reagents.
(b) A person commits an offense if he or she knowingly or intentionally offers to buy, offers to sell, acquires, receives, sells, or otherwise transfers any human organ for valuable consideration.
(c) It is an exception to the application of this section that the valuable consideration is: (1) a fee paid to a physician or to other medical personnel for services rendered in the usual course of medical practice or a fee paid for hospital or other clinical services; (2) reimbursement of legal or medical expenses incurred for the benefit of the ultimate receiver of the organ; or (3) reimbursement of expenses of travel, housing, and lost wages incurred by the donor of a human organ in connection with the donation of the organ.
(d) A violation of this section is a Class A misdemeanor.
Added by Acts 1985, 69th Leg., ch. 40, ? 1, eff. Aug. 26, 1985. Amended by Acts 1993, 73rd Leg., ch. 900, ? 1.01, eff. Sept. 1, 1994.
What????? They actually had to make this a law. How big of a crack head do you have to be to sell your own eye?
A program has been created in the state that attempts to control the weather.
Full text of the Law? 20.003. Weather Modification and Control Grant Program
The department shall develop and administer a program awarding matching grants to political subdivisions of this state for weather modification and control.
Added by Acts 2001, 77th Leg., ch. 376, ? 2.01, eff. Sept. 1, 2001.
Tax dollars at work?!?!
When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
Apparently this was added to another bill by a state senator in order to make the original bill not pass. Well they both passed.
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
This law is probably because of something some drunk redneck did.
It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
A big problem especially in downtown Houston ?!?!?!
It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
Apparently we have problems with mysterious milkers
A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
What???? Seriously???? Do you really think they care.
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
Can you say Bible Belt
City Laws in Texas
Abilene
It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.
Austin
Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.
ExplanationIn the days of the old "wild west", cowboys would cut barbed wire fences of property owners in order to allow their cattle herds to pass through. To prevent such acts, an ordinance was passed. You better check their shoes.
Beaumont
Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University. Problems at games?
Borger
It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind. Those trouble making Borgerans !!! Where the hell is Borger anyway???
Clarendon
It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.
El Paso
Urinating on the streets is illegal. Good to know.
Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them. Ok?!?
Galveston
It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays. So all the drunks can walk home safely???
"Offensive gestures" will not be tolerated at any special event. But not at a "special event" is ok?
Bicycles must be operated at a "reasonable speed".
Full text of the LawSec. 9-4. Speed.
No person shall operate a bicycle at a speed greater than is reasonable and prudent under the conditions then existing. (Code 1960, Ch. 21 App., ? 68) So can you get a speeding ticket?
One needs permission from the director of parks and recreation before getting drunk in any city park.
Full text of the LawSec. 26-4. Alcoholic beverages.
It shall be unlawful for any person to consume, carry or bring any alcoholic beverage in or upon any park or playground in the city without a written permit from the director of parks and recreation.(Code 1960, ? 15-8(b)) Can I get the application?
Landing an airplane on the beach is illegal.
Full text of the LawSec. 8-11. Landing aircraft on beaches.
It shall be unlawful for any person to land or take off or operate any aircraft on the beach and what is commonly known as Seawall Boulevard except at heliports designated and approved by the Federal Aviation Administration.(Code 1960, ? 4-30) Houston, we have a problem
Any person who sits on a sidewalk may be fined up to $500.
Full text of the LawSec. 24-17. Impeding sidewalk.
It shall be unlawful for a person to stand or sit on a city sidewalk or city right-of-way so as to impede, physically or by intimidation, free and uninterrupted pedestrian passage. A violation of this section shall be a class C misdemeanor and upon conviction shall be punishable by a fine not to exceed five hundred dollars ($500.00).(Ord. No. 97-104, ? 2, 12-11-97) hmmmm ok
Houston
It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday. No wonder I can't find any.
Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday.
Is there some kind of secret time that I am missing?
Jasper
Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Even in your home?
Lubbock County
It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream. Make sure your drunk friend sits in the bed of the truck
Mesquite
It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts. Who determines "unusual"
Port Arthur
Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator. This law needs to be adopted world wide.
San Antonio
It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.
ExplanationThe Alamo was the site of a famous battle during the fight for Texas' independence from Mexico. During this battle, the fort was overrun, but not until most men fought until the death to defend it. In a highly publicized incident, Ozzy Osbourne urinated on this famed historical site which infuriated many Texans. He was banned from the site, and a law was passed to prevent such acts from happening again. Good !!!!!!
Temple
Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot. On the spot punk!!!
You can ride your horse in the saloon. Thank god this one passed. I thought I was going to get into trouble.
No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square. But you can in a saloon
Texarkana
Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights. Where do you plug them in??
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Great Signs
Go to this restaurants website and check out the signs this guy puts up. Some are extremely true and funny.
Casa D' Ice
See ya
Casa D' Ice
See ya
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
What a bunch of Morons
Who the hell is this group from Kansas that holds signs and protest at the funerals of military personel stating that the death is because God is mad at the US for their tolerance of homosexuals. These people are complete crackpots and need to be picked up by the men in the white clothes with the padded wagon. Whether you agree with the war, support the troops or not you still should leave the family and friends alone when they are at the funeral. You shouldn't hold up signs that "God Hates You" to the funeral procession. Find a hobby or something. Or maybe just get out of that cult.
Maybe the military should assign an escort with a 50 cal mounted to the top of the vehicle to clear the way of these idiots before the funeral comes through.
You want to protest the war or anything else fine. I am ok with that. That is one of the freedoms that those soldiers died for. But leave the funerals alone. They are already going through enough pain of having to bury a loved one and your dumbass is out there holding up stupid signs telling them how much god hates them because of the US tolerance. Give me a damn break.
Maybe the military should assign an escort with a 50 cal mounted to the top of the vehicle to clear the way of these idiots before the funeral comes through.
You want to protest the war or anything else fine. I am ok with that. That is one of the freedoms that those soldiers died for. But leave the funerals alone. They are already going through enough pain of having to bury a loved one and your dumbass is out there holding up stupid signs telling them how much god hates them because of the US tolerance. Give me a damn break.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Enron
Yeah !!!!! The Enron morons were found GUILTY.
That company destroyed a lot of people lives. Send them to the chair !!!!
That company destroyed a lot of people lives. Send them to the chair !!!!
Things to Ponder
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.A pessimist fears this is true.
There will always be death and taxes;however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.Sometimes it comes alone.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.A pessimist fears this is true.
There will always be death and taxes;however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.Sometimes it comes alone.
Public Service Announcement
Don't forget to pay your taxes
12 Million ILLEGAL Immigrants are depending on you !!!!!
12 Million ILLEGAL Immigrants are depending on you !!!!!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Not in Texas
Broke Back In Texas
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she
just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and
noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two
spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider
on top, Daddy?" she asked.
That's a Daddy Long legs." Her father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Long legs? " the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Long legs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped
them flat and said "Well, it might be OK in California or
Massachusetts, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas."
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she
just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and
noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two
spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider
on top, Daddy?" she asked.
That's a Daddy Long legs." Her father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Long legs? " the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Long legs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped
them flat and said "Well, it might be OK in California or
Massachusetts, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas."
Chili Cook off
Annual Chili Cook Off held in San Antonio, Texas
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. Please take the time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
* Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is this chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty! , strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
***************! **************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. Please take the time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
* Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is this chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty! , strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
***************! **************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
About my Grandfather
We called my grandfather bepaw or beeps as he later would be known as. Here are a few of my memories that I will keep forever.
When we were young my grandfather would slip me and my brothers a dollar or so each. He would say this is "walk around money." When you are walking around and need some money just reach into your pocket and there is your dollar. When he would take us to Champions Golf Club my brothers and I were allowed to go into the mens locker room with him. We thought we were big stuff then because only men were allowed into the locker room. He would sit us at the bar and let us order some lemonade. That use to be the sweetest lemonade I can ever remember tasting. One of his most famous lines that you could verify with any of his grandchildren is "Don't slam the door!!!" Every time we would be at their house and one of the kids would come in or go out you would always hear Beeps yell "Don't slam the door!!!" (especially if Alabama football was playing)
He always had great stories. Sometimes he would start laughing in the middle of the story just thinking about it and have a hard time finishing. He use to tell this story about when he was a cook on a ship in WWII they had to hold the crackers up to the light to check for weavels. He said they would just flick the weavels out and serve the crackers. Not very appetizing I know but it always struck me funny.
My grandfather was a true salesman. I believe he could sell a desert nomad some sand. He told me the story of how when he walked into the meeting to sell the land for Willowbrook Mall the buyer had all these lawyers and other people. They asked hime when his people would be there and he simply replied that the deals he made were done on a hand shake and that was all. No lawyers or other "fuddy duddies" needed. Another story he would tell was about when he use to sell appliances. He was driving down this long road and passed the workers as they were putting in electric poles. He pulled up to a little house and sold this old couple a washing machine and an ice box. They didn't have any power yet but they bought it from him anyway. He always had business deals going even when he was well into his 80's. A few years ago when one of the times that he was in the hospital my wife and I went to see him. He had the ladies leave the room so he and I could talk. What did we talk about? Business and his current deals he was working on of course. He complained about how he really needed to get out of the hospital because he had work to do. When my company moved me into outside sales he use to tell me to take a notebook with me in the car. When I would finish a meeting go back to the car and write down everything. He said to pay particular attention to items on the persons desk or on the walls. That way I could probably find out if they like golf, fishing, baseball or whatever. Then the next time I talked to or saw them I could ask about their hobby. Well I did this on every sales call and it is a great way to help build a relationship with a customer. It shows you are not only talking to them for the business but are interested in them personally. One of my proudest days is when I closed my first account. I called him and told him that evening. I was excited. He was excited for me as well. He also asked me what was on the persons desk and I told him. He laughed and said "that's my boy." I will never forget how happy he sounded for me and for him. I think he was proud to have one of his grandsons following in his sales footsteps. There are many mores stories I could tell but will save those for another day. If I know my grandfather he is sitting near the inside of the pearly gates of heaven watching Alabama football and telling everyone as they come in "Don't slam the Gates!!!!"
Beeps,
We love you and miss you.
Tom & all of your grandchildren
ROOOOOOLLLLLLLL TIDE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When we were young my grandfather would slip me and my brothers a dollar or so each. He would say this is "walk around money." When you are walking around and need some money just reach into your pocket and there is your dollar. When he would take us to Champions Golf Club my brothers and I were allowed to go into the mens locker room with him. We thought we were big stuff then because only men were allowed into the locker room. He would sit us at the bar and let us order some lemonade. That use to be the sweetest lemonade I can ever remember tasting. One of his most famous lines that you could verify with any of his grandchildren is "Don't slam the door!!!" Every time we would be at their house and one of the kids would come in or go out you would always hear Beeps yell "Don't slam the door!!!" (especially if Alabama football was playing)
He always had great stories. Sometimes he would start laughing in the middle of the story just thinking about it and have a hard time finishing. He use to tell this story about when he was a cook on a ship in WWII they had to hold the crackers up to the light to check for weavels. He said they would just flick the weavels out and serve the crackers. Not very appetizing I know but it always struck me funny.
My grandfather was a true salesman. I believe he could sell a desert nomad some sand. He told me the story of how when he walked into the meeting to sell the land for Willowbrook Mall the buyer had all these lawyers and other people. They asked hime when his people would be there and he simply replied that the deals he made were done on a hand shake and that was all. No lawyers or other "fuddy duddies" needed. Another story he would tell was about when he use to sell appliances. He was driving down this long road and passed the workers as they were putting in electric poles. He pulled up to a little house and sold this old couple a washing machine and an ice box. They didn't have any power yet but they bought it from him anyway. He always had business deals going even when he was well into his 80's. A few years ago when one of the times that he was in the hospital my wife and I went to see him. He had the ladies leave the room so he and I could talk. What did we talk about? Business and his current deals he was working on of course. He complained about how he really needed to get out of the hospital because he had work to do. When my company moved me into outside sales he use to tell me to take a notebook with me in the car. When I would finish a meeting go back to the car and write down everything. He said to pay particular attention to items on the persons desk or on the walls. That way I could probably find out if they like golf, fishing, baseball or whatever. Then the next time I talked to or saw them I could ask about their hobby. Well I did this on every sales call and it is a great way to help build a relationship with a customer. It shows you are not only talking to them for the business but are interested in them personally. One of my proudest days is when I closed my first account. I called him and told him that evening. I was excited. He was excited for me as well. He also asked me what was on the persons desk and I told him. He laughed and said "that's my boy." I will never forget how happy he sounded for me and for him. I think he was proud to have one of his grandsons following in his sales footsteps. There are many mores stories I could tell but will save those for another day. If I know my grandfather he is sitting near the inside of the pearly gates of heaven watching Alabama football and telling everyone as they come in "Don't slam the Gates!!!!"
Beeps,
We love you and miss you.
Tom & all of your grandchildren
ROOOOOOLLLLLLLL TIDE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My Grandfather
PATRICK NICHOLAS MORGAN, 88, of Houston, died Friday, May 12, 2006, at his home in the company of his family. Pat was born on December 17, 1917, in Lackawanna, NY, the eldest son of Saverio and Maria Morgan who emigrated from Italy at the turn of the 20th century. Pat was a proud graduate of the University of Alabama, Class of 1939, with a Bachelor's degree in Electrical Engineering. He was an avid, lifelong fan of the Crimson Tide. In his job with the Tennessee Valley Authority, he met his future wife, the former Helen Rockwell. Following their marriage on June 9, 1942, he served as an officer with the U.S. Navy Seabees during WWII in the 5th and 143rd Battalions in the southwest Pacific. Throughout the 1940's and 1950's, Pat's sales career took him to Cincinnati, Philadelphia, and Chattanooga, where he became President of First Flight Golf Co. In 1959, Pat moved to Texas at the invitation of golf pros Jimmy Demaret and Jack Burke to develop real estate surrounding a new golf club in a remote area 30 miles northwest of Houston on a little two-lane country road, FM 1960. Pat's energy and unbounded optimism were a driving force behind the success of what would eventually become the world-class Champions Golf Club and the phenomenal growth in what is now known as the 1960 area. As noted by sports writer Mickey Herskowitz in an article for the Houston Post on August 25, 1993, developing the course on Cypress Creek and the surrounding real estate "wasn't an easy sell, but the money they made went back into the club and in the `70s they rode the boom. In truth, they helped create it." Pat is preceded in death by his parents, sisters Angie and Theresa Morgan and Ann Hassett, brothers Carl, Ed and Mike Morgan, and grandson Seth Morgan. He is survived by his wife of 64 years, Helen Rockwell Morgan, children and their spouses, Scott and Margaret Morgan of Houston, Beth and Drew Black of Folsom, CA, Jack and Carole Morgan of Houston, Melissa and George Tooley of Katy, sister and brother-in-law Sue and Robert Derham of Skaneateles, NY, 10 grandchildren, 2 great-grandchildren and numerous nieces and nephews. Pallbearers will be his eight grandsons, Daniel, Thomas, Nicholas, Andrew and Griffin Morgan, Keegan and Jared Tooley, and Morgan Black. Granddaughters Meredith Black and Kaelin Tooley will be lectors for his Rite of Christian Burial Mass. Visitation will be from 6-8 P.M., with a Rosary at 7:00 P.M Monday, May 15, 2006 at Earthman Hunter's Creek, 8303 Katy Freeway, Houston. Funeral Mass 1:30 P.M. on Tuesday at St. Cyril of Alexandria, 10503 Westheimer, Houston. Interment will take place at Memorial Oaks Cemetery. For those who so desire, memorial contributions can be made to the Mercy Home For Boys and Girls, 1140 West Jackson Blvd, Chicago, IL 60607-2980.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Idiot
I am 12% Idiot.
I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people. Trip to Mexico
Dear President Bush: I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this. I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over?
Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy. I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P. Thank you so much for your kind help.
Sincerely,
David M. Bresnahan
2006 David M. Bresnahan - All Rights Reserved
David M. Bresnahan has over 30 years of experience as an award-winning journalist, broadcaster, radio station owner, talk show host, and business owner. David has been a prominent writer for many Internet newspapers.
Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy. I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P. Thank you so much for your kind help.
Sincerely,
David M. Bresnahan
2006 David M. Bresnahan - All Rights Reserved
David M. Bresnahan has over 30 years of experience as an award-winning journalist, broadcaster, radio station owner, talk show host, and business owner. David has been a prominent writer for many Internet newspapers.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
For My Wife, My Mom, My Mother-in-Law and all the other amazing women in my life
One Flaw In Women
By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken
heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."
"But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own
heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."
The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak,"
the Lord corrected,
"that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed.
"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."
And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken
heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."
"But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own
heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."
The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak,"
the Lord corrected,
"that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed.
"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."
And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
I'm Back !!!!
Ok so I haven't posted in a while. I have been busy with work and too tired to post. Also I just got back from my first trip to Vegas !!!! I went with my wifey, mother and father in law, and sister in law. We had a great time. I hope to post some pics later once I download them.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Black List, Red List, Green List
Ok so my wife and my family make fun of me because I have a black list of companies that I will not give my business to. Most of the reasons are customer service issues. I try not to scream or yell at the people when it is happening I just won't ever go there again. Most of the time I write a letter on the companies website because that will usually go to the corporate office. And most of the time they will send me a give card or some other crap to try to get me to come back. Companies on the black list could give me a shopping spree and I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of me being in their store. So here goes.
Black = they have really pissed me off
Red = you are in danger of getting on the black list if you do one more stupid thing
Green = companies that have shown outstanding service and will always get my business
Black List:
JC Penny's - for those of you who don't know this is a department store.
Time: approx. 3 years ago
Action: Letter written on their website gift card received
Been back: Hell No !!!!
Ok so my mom bought me some slacks for my birthday one year. However the security ink tag was left on. So one night I decide to go up there and have it removed. Keep in mind I did not have the receipt with me. So it was a week night and I walk in through one of the doors and go straight up to one of the counters. I explain that they were a gift and I just needed the tag taken off. The lady said that she could not do it without the receipt. So I asked her to call a manager. The manager on duty or whoever she called said no as well. Ok so if this is a whole theft issue, why are you going to let me just walk right back out of the store with them. You just watched me walk in with them. Meanwhile my wife has about $200 worth of clothes in her hands to purchase. I tell her in a rather loud voice to put that crap down and that we would not be buying anything from this store.
TGI Fridays - restaurant
Time: approx. 3 years ago
Action: complained to manager. free appetizer
Been Back: Hell No !!!
My wife and I order dinner and an appetizer. The waiter brings us the appetizer and just kind of slides/throws the plate on the table and walks off. What kind of crap is that. Anyway the manager comps us the appetizer. Big whoop.
Joe's Crab Shack - restaurant
Time: approx 2 years ago
Action: wrote letter to website. Gift card received and letter from manager
Been Back: Hell No !!!
My wife and I go out to dinner with another couple and their son. We order 5 adult meals and of course a few drinks. The flippin waiter automatically adds in gratuity. The menu says for parties of 8 or more. My wife being in the service industry says that the waiter has a choice to add the gratuity or not. So this Jackass just adds it thinking that we won't give him a very good tip. Well Mr. Jackass if you hadn't done that you probably would have gotten a better tip.
Others on the Black list but don't feel like explaining now because I am getting all worked up in a frenzy.
American Airlines
Applebees
Outback Steakhouse on NW Freeway
Cracker Barrel
Red List
Reliant Energy - you are getting ready to be on the black
Green List
Home Depot
Krogers
Foleys
There are more but can't think right now.
Black = they have really pissed me off
Red = you are in danger of getting on the black list if you do one more stupid thing
Green = companies that have shown outstanding service and will always get my business
Black List:
JC Penny's - for those of you who don't know this is a department store.
Time: approx. 3 years ago
Action: Letter written on their website gift card received
Been back: Hell No !!!!
Ok so my mom bought me some slacks for my birthday one year. However the security ink tag was left on. So one night I decide to go up there and have it removed. Keep in mind I did not have the receipt with me. So it was a week night and I walk in through one of the doors and go straight up to one of the counters. I explain that they were a gift and I just needed the tag taken off. The lady said that she could not do it without the receipt. So I asked her to call a manager. The manager on duty or whoever she called said no as well. Ok so if this is a whole theft issue, why are you going to let me just walk right back out of the store with them. You just watched me walk in with them. Meanwhile my wife has about $200 worth of clothes in her hands to purchase. I tell her in a rather loud voice to put that crap down and that we would not be buying anything from this store.
TGI Fridays - restaurant
Time: approx. 3 years ago
Action: complained to manager. free appetizer
Been Back: Hell No !!!
My wife and I order dinner and an appetizer. The waiter brings us the appetizer and just kind of slides/throws the plate on the table and walks off. What kind of crap is that. Anyway the manager comps us the appetizer. Big whoop.
Joe's Crab Shack - restaurant
Time: approx 2 years ago
Action: wrote letter to website. Gift card received and letter from manager
Been Back: Hell No !!!
My wife and I go out to dinner with another couple and their son. We order 5 adult meals and of course a few drinks. The flippin waiter automatically adds in gratuity. The menu says for parties of 8 or more. My wife being in the service industry says that the waiter has a choice to add the gratuity or not. So this Jackass just adds it thinking that we won't give him a very good tip. Well Mr. Jackass if you hadn't done that you probably would have gotten a better tip.
Others on the Black list but don't feel like explaining now because I am getting all worked up in a frenzy.
American Airlines
Applebees
Outback Steakhouse on NW Freeway
Cracker Barrel
Red List
Reliant Energy - you are getting ready to be on the black
Green List
Home Depot
Krogers
Foleys
There are more but can't think right now.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
More Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
I told you I would post more so here you go.
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Give it up, little guy.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'Mankind'. Basically, it's made up of two separate words: 'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and so is mankind.
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Give it up, little guy.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'Mankind'. Basically, it's made up of two separate words: 'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and so is mankind.
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
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