For My Wife, My Mom, My Mother-in-Law and all the other amazing women in my life

One Flaw In Women

By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken
heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own
heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak,"
the Lord corrected,
"that's a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."

The angel was impressed.
"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."

And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

I'm Back !!!!

Ok so I haven't posted in a while. I have been busy with work and too tired to post. Also I just got back from my first trip to Vegas !!!! I went with my wifey, mother and father in law, and sister in law. We had a great time. I hope to post some pics later once I download them.

Black List, Red List, Green List

Ok so my wife and my family make fun of me because I have a black list of companies that I will not give my business to. Most of the reasons are customer service issues. I try not to scream or yell at the people when it is happening I just won't ever go there again. Most of the time I write a letter on the companies website because that will usually go to the corporate office. And most of the time they will send me a give card or some other crap to try to get me to come back. Companies on the black list could give me a shopping spree and I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of me being in their store. So here goes.

Black = they have really pissed me off
Red = you are in danger of getting on the black list if you do one more stupid thing
Green = companies that have shown outstanding service and will always get my business

Black List:
JC Penny's - for those of you who don't know this is a department store.
Time: approx. 3 years ago
Action: Letter written on their website gift card received
Been back: Hell No !!!!
Ok so my mom bought me some slacks for my birthday one year. However the security ink tag was left on. So one night I decide to go up there and have it removed. Keep in mind I did not have the receipt with me. So it was a week night and I walk in through one of the doors and go straight up to one of the counters. I explain that they were a gift and I just needed the tag taken off. The lady said that she could not do it without the receipt. So I asked her to call a manager. The manager on duty or whoever she called said no as well. Ok so if this is a whole theft issue, why are you going to let me just walk right back out of the store with them. You just watched me walk in with them. Meanwhile my wife has about $200 worth of clothes in her hands to purchase. I tell her in a rather loud voice to put that crap down and that we would not be buying anything from this store.

TGI Fridays - restaurant
Time: approx. 3 years ago
Action: complained to manager. free appetizer
Been Back: Hell No !!!
My wife and I order dinner and an appetizer. The waiter brings us the appetizer and just kind of slides/throws the plate on the table and walks off. What kind of crap is that. Anyway the manager comps us the appetizer. Big whoop.

Joe's Crab Shack - restaurant
Time: approx 2 years ago
Action: wrote letter to website. Gift card received and letter from manager
Been Back: Hell No !!!
My wife and I go out to dinner with another couple and their son. We order 5 adult meals and of course a few drinks. The flippin waiter automatically adds in gratuity. The menu says for parties of 8 or more. My wife being in the service industry says that the waiter has a choice to add the gratuity or not. So this Jackass just adds it thinking that we won't give him a very good tip. Well Mr. Jackass if you hadn't done that you probably would have gotten a better tip.

Others on the Black list but don't feel like explaining now because I am getting all worked up in a frenzy.
American Airlines
Applebees
Outback Steakhouse on NW Freeway
Cracker Barrel

Red List
Reliant Energy - you are getting ready to be on the black


Green List
Home Depot
Krogers
Foleys

There are more but can't think right now.

More Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

I told you I would post more so here you go.

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Give it up, little guy.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'Mankind'. Basically, it's made up of two separate words: 'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and so is mankind.

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.

Sayings that throw liberals into a blind RAGE

In no particular order.

1. One Nation Under GOD
2. God Bless You
3. George W. Bush
4. In God We Trust
5. Tax Cuts
6. The 2nd Amendment
7. Merry Christmas
8. Happy Easter
9. I'm a right wing conservative (thanks Lisa)
10. Abortion is murder (thanks Lisa)

These are just a few that I can think of but if anyone has any more let me know and I will add them to this list.

Good Point

Welfare - A Subtle Destroyer of the Human Spirit>>Posted: Creators Syndicate Inc.
September 14, 2005
1:00 a.m. Eastern (c) 2005

In his 1935 State of the Union Address, FDR (President Franklin D. Roosevelt) spoke to a nation mired in the Depression, but still marinated in conservative values: "Continued dependence upon welfare", said FDR, "induces a spiritual disintegration which is fundamentally destructive to the national fiber. To dole our relief in this way is to
administer a narcotic, a subtle destroyer, of the human spirit."

Behind FDR's statement was the conviction that, while the Government must step in, in an emergency, in normal times, men provide the food, clothing and shelter for their families.

And we did, until the war pulled us out of the Depression and a postwar boom made us, in John K. Galbraith's phrase, "The Affluent Society." By the 1960's, America, the richest country on earth, was growing ever more prosperous, but with the 1964 landslide of LBJ, liberalism triumphed and began its great experiment.

Behind the Great Society was a great idea: to lift America's poor out of poverty, government should now take care of all their basic needs. By giving the poor welfare, subsidized food, public housing and free medical care, the government will end poverty in America.

At the Superdome, and New Orleans Convention Center, we saw the failure of 40 years of the Great Society. No sooner had Katrina passed by and the 17th Street levee broke than hundreds of young men who should have taken charge in helping the aged, the
sick and the women with babies to safety took to the streets to shoot, loot and rape. The New Orleans police, their numbers cut by deserters who left their posts to look after their own, engaged in running gun battles all day long just to stay alive, and to protect people.

It was the character and conduct of its people that makes the New Orleans disaster unique. After a hurricane, people's needs are simple: food, water, shelter, medical attention. But even this can be hard to meet. People buried in rubble, or those hiding in the attics of flooded homes are difficult to get to when covering such a large area. But, even with the incompetence of the Mayor, Governor & the torpor of Federal Officials, this was possible.

Coast Guard helicopters were operating Tuesday. There were roads open into the city for SUV's, buses and trucks. While New Orleans was flooded with stagnant water, people walked through it to the Convention Center and Superdome. The flimsiest boat could navigate.

Even if the Government dithered for days - so what - this does not explain the failure of the people themselves.

Between 1865 and 1940, the South - having lost a fourth of its best and bravest in battle, devastated by war, mired in poverty - was famous for the hardy self-reliance of her people, both black and white.

In 1940, hundreds of British fishermen and yachtsmen sailed back and forth daily under fire across a turbulent 23-mile Channel to rescue 300,000 soldiers stranded in Dunkirk. How do we explain to the world that a tenth that number of Americans could not be reached, in four
days, from across a simple stagnant pond?

The real disaster of Katrina was that society broke down. An
entire community could not come together, and cope. Liberalism, the idea that good intentions, and Government programs, can build a Great Society, was exposed as "fraud". After Trillions of tax dollars for Welfare, food stamps, public housing, job training and education have poured into the area since 1965, poverty remains pandemic. But today, when the police vanish, "community" disappears, and the sickening thought rises up of
men taking to the streets to prey on women and the weak.

Stranded for days in a pool of fetid water, almost everyone waited for the Government to come to save them. The stranded screamed into the cameras for help, the reporters screamed into the cameras for help, and the "civil rights leaders" screamed into the cameras that President Bush was responsible, and that President Bush was a racist.

Over the course of history, Americans as a whole, were famous for taking the initiative, for having young leaders rise up in a crisis to take command. See any of that at the Superdome?

Sri Lankans, and Indonesians, far poorer than we, did not behave like this in a tsunami that took 400 times as many lives as Katrina has.

We are the descendants of men and women who braved the North Atlantic in wooden boats to build a country in a strange land. Our ancestors traveled thousands of miles in covered wagons, fighting off Indians far braver than those "cowards" preying on the New Orleans' weak and poor.

Watching that performance in the Crescent City, it seems clear: We are not the people our parents were. And what are all our "Lords Temporal" now howling for? Though they erroneously accused Government of failing at every level, they want more government.

FDR was right. A "spiritual disintegration" has overtaken us. Government-as-first provider, the big idea of the Great Society, has proven to be "a narcotic, and a subtle destroyer of the human spirit."

Either we get off this narcotic, or it kills us, simple as that.

Just in From New York CIty

A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a
dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than
usual."

He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars,
so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her
motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set
herself on fire. She says her husband is running around on her more than ever and
the Democrats told her to forget about running for president in 2008. So
we're taking up a collection for her."

The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies, "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of the folks are
still siphoning,"

Houston

Rules of H-town

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Huestun," not
"Ewe-stun". Oh yea, it is pronounced "San Phil-ee-pay," not "San
Phil-eep"(San Felipe).

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its
own version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing
as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.


3. All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610".... which has no beginning and no end.


4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a "Scenic Drive."


5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is
from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.


6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed
out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line,
count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting
into any cross-traffic's way.


7. Kuykendahl Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Houstonian.


8. Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life
and a permanent form of entertainment.


9. All unexplained smells are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we must be
in Pasadena!!!."


10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory
defect.


11. All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.


12. The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less
is considered downright sissy.


13. The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.

14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that
says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.


15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph
zone, people are not waving when they go by.


16. The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.


17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.


18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana.


19. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just
follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else.This is how
Houston residents notify Texas Department of Transportation where
exits should have been built

if you dont live here, most of this will sound utterly insane, but to
all of us who call this home..nothing but the truth. and you know it.

Houston 1836

Ok so the MLS (major league soccer team) changed it's name from Houston 1836 to Houston Dynamo. Tonight I went out and bought several shirts for HOUSTON 1836. I don't know if I can support the team now by going to any games because I am totally disgusted with this flippin issue. However, if I do I will wear my Houston 1836 shirt proudly. If any of you have lived or visited Houston you know that the people here are very proud of our city and our state. Especially the native Texans and 4th generation Houstonians like me. This was a name I could be proud of and get behind. Now I don't know that I can so much. Here are my issues with this.

1. We are in America not Mexico

2. How in the FLIPPIN HELL is a soccer team name offensive to Mexican Americans? Seriously? Really I am very interested in how this is hurting you? Do you still cry yourself to sleep at night because Texas won it's independence. I am Serious!!!!! CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME? I could understand if it was the Houston Illegals or some other derogatory name. Hell even the Houton Crackers or Rednecks might piss people off. I would personally care if they did call them the Crakcers or Rednecks. It's just a flippin name you sissy.

3. This is the year Houston was established. It also happens to be the year that Texas won it's independence and the battle of the Alamo. And your point that this is being offensive is how?

4. We defeated Santa Anna....get over it. It was a long time ago. You don't hear me bitching about the Vietnamese street signs that are posted in a certain part of Houston even though we got smoked in that conflict.
5. You don't hear British Americans bitching and crying about the name Philadelphia 76'ers.

6. You say Mexican Americans need to be heared and need to have a voice? Then stop bitching about ridiculous crap like this. There are moe inportant issues to discuss than the name of a FLIPPIN soccer team that is named after the year the CITY was established. Not the year we kicked Mexico's ass. If you don't like it then move back to Mexico and let me know how you like living there.

Anyway this post was suppose to just state that I bought some 1836 stuff. It's just the fact that this whole thing is FLIPPIN RIDICULOUS.

Good Question

TEACHER INTERVIEW

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager
prospective teacher said, "Let me see if I've got this right. You
want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every
waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a
sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe
them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress
habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted
diseases,check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise
their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good
citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a
checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,
recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students
pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school
regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get
an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or
physical handicap.
And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter,
telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a
piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND
on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do ALL of this and yet you expect me... NOT TO
PRAY?

Pissing me off

Ok so I said I was tired of the political crap, and I am. However the following are pissing me off.

1. We have a new MLS team here in Houston. The name they decided was Houston 1836. This follows the tradition of some of the teams in Europe who name their teams after the year the team was founded, the city was founded or whatever. 1836 was the year Houston was founded. It also happens to be the year that Texas won its independance from Mexico. Now a bunch of Mexicans are crying saying that the name is offensive. Give me a flippin break. I am an American. I am a Texan and proud of it. We are not in Mexico. We won our independance and were even our own Republic prior to joining the states. This name is for city and state pride. Its a damn name. It's not like we are saying, "Ha Ha we won in 1836 na na boo boo" What the hell ever. If you don't like it go cry somewhere else and don't support the team. And if it pisses you off that much then move back to Mexico !!!!

2. The city of Houston is looking at putting up cameras at stop lights in the downtown area to catch red light runners. I don't like it but ok. Now the ACLU is crying about it. Can someone please explain what civil liberties this violates. You are in public and breaking the law. Hey I have an idea.....don't run the flippin red light!!!!!

I'm Back

Well I am back from my 1st year anniversary. We had a great time in Philadelphia. It was damn cold though. Not the same cold you get in Texas. This cold would go all the way through your body. Lows were in the teens !!!!

Anyway, we saw the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall. Those were cool. Security was tight we saw this one guy almost get totally strip searched. We also went to Atlantic City for an evening. It was fun. Lost money but had a great time.

Anyway we had a great trip and its back to the grind tomorrow.

Laters

sleeping at work

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about
in the time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got
here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to
handle that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you
put your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"
And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught
sleeping at your desk!
1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."

Welcome to the party

My wife sent this to me and just had to post it. Keep in mind my wife is way more liberal than I am (she liked living in California for God's sake) but she is coming around.


A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so
many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal
Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that
she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she
felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to
keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher
taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs.
The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be
the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and
let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was
taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which
left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She
didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many
college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy
classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so
popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to
all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes
because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's
office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your
friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and
certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily
fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my
grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has
done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my
tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the
Republican Party"

2006

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e- mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home
to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Duck Lease

Ok so I really enjoy waterfowl hunting. So I am looking for a lease in the Southeast Texas or Katy prairie area. If anyone knows of one let me know. I am just getting more serious in it so I have a lot to learn and a lot of equipment to buy.

WoW

First I would like to say Happy Anniversary to my cuz and his wife. 5 yrs already !!! Awesome !!!!

My one year is coming up in 2 weeks !!!! Holy crap !!!!

DSL

Hello All

Well in case any of you care I got my DSL line for the house today. I should have had it last week but thanks to the "brown" my modem was delivered to some random address. It was a breeze to hook up and install. And the connection is pretty damn fast. Peace out fools.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Everyone remember those skits on Saturday Night Live. I loved them. Here are a few.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!

If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.


More to come ....

Couldn't pass it up

Marine

Worth the read...

A U.S.squad was marching north of Basra when they came
upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the
opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.


The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,
the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.


The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north
along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag,

and he yelled back

"Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing,fat,left
wing liberal drunk."

So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!"

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands,
when a truck hit us."