Hello

http://bit.ly/2xV42ni




Tom Morgan

Hurricane Education: What I've learned during our last hurricane . . .

1. Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.

2. No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity.

3. My car gets 23.21675 miles per gallon, EXACTLY (you can ask the people in line who helped me push it).

4. Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in their hand.

5. Cats are even more irritating without power.

6. He who has the biggest generator wins.

7. Women can actually survive without doing their hair- you just wish they weren't around you.

8. A new method of non-lethal torture- showers without hot water.

9. There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.

10. TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful.

11. A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6-12 oz Budweiser's to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14 lb. turkey frozen for 8 more hours.

12. There are a lot of dang trees around here.

13. Flood plane drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously wrong..

14. Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not required.

15. Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.

16. People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for.

17. When required, a Lincoln Continental will float, doesn't steer well but floats just the same.

18. Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is doing.

19. Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the battery remains charged.

20. 27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you, and they are quick to point that out!

21. Hampers were not made to contain such a volume.

22. If my store sold only ice, chainsaws, gas and generators... I'd be rich.

23. Price of a can of soup rises 200% in a storm.

24. Your water front property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole.

25. Tree service companies are under appreciated.

26. I learned what happens when you make fun of another states' blackout.

27. MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30% higher electric bill?????

28. Drywall is a compound word, take away the "dry" part and it's worthless.

29. I can walk a lot farther than I thought.

Beware of Garbage Trucks

Beware of Garbage Trucks
by David J. Pollay

How often do you let other people's nonsense change
your mood? Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss,
or an insensitive employee ruin your day? Unless you're the
Terminator, for an instant you're probably set back on your
heels. However, the mark of a successful person is how quickly
she can get back her focus on what's important.

Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson.
I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab.
Here's what happened.

I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station.
We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden,
a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.
My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded,
and missed the other car's back end by just inches!

The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident,
whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us.

My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy.
And I mean, he was friendly.
So, I said, "Why did you just do that?
This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"

And this is when my taxi driver told me what I
now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."

Many people are like garbage trucks.
They run around full of garbage, full of frustration,
full of anger, and full of disappointment.
As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it.
And if you let them, they'll dump it on you.
When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally.

You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.
You'll be happy you did.

So this was it: The "Law of the Garbage Truck."
I started thinking, how often do I
let Garbage Trucks run right over me?
And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people:

at work, at home, on the streets?
It was that day I said, "I'm not going to do it anymore."

I began to see garbage trucks.
Like in the movie " The Sixth Sense," the little boy said,
"I see Dead People."

Well, now "I see Garbage Trucks."
I see the load they're carrying.
I see them coming to drop it off.
And like my Taxi Driver, I don't make it a personal thing;
I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.

One of my favorite football players of all time, Walter Payton,

did this every day on the
football field.
He would jump up as quickly as he hit the ground
after being tackled.

He never dwelled on a hit.
Payton was ready to make the next play his best.
Good leaders know they have to be ready for their next meeting.

Good parents know that they have to welcome their children home

from school with hugs and kisses.
Leaders and parents know that they have to be fully present,
and at their best for the people they care about.

The bottom line is that successful people

do not let Garbage Trucks take over their day.
What about you?
What would happen in your life, starting today,
if you let more garbage trucks pass you by?

Here's my bet.
You'll be happier.

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so..
Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe that everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance , TAKE IT!
If it changes your life , LET IT!
Nobody said it would be easy...
They just promised it would be worth it!

 

 

Who is your best friend?

If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.

 

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour.

 

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" 
   
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. 
  
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.
   
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" 
 
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. 


Now give me back my dog.

 

Howdy Y'all

Ok so it has been a long, long time since I posted. Here is why and what's been going on.

After many years in the shipping and logistics industry on Nov. 26 I started a new career with a Geological company. After a few months of training I am loving it and soon I will start in my sales position. My old job changed. I liked the company under the manager that hired me. Then he left and the sales manager left. When the new branch manager came in things went downhill quickly. I can probably sum it up in the following words: Arrogance, micro-managing, lack of industrial knowledge, sexist, childish, poor management. Who wants to work with all of that? For example besides doing a lot of time wasting work with not even a thank you or good job, when I told the new branch manager I wanted to transfer to the special projects branch he stopped talking to me. He would pass my desk 20 times a day and not say a word or even look at me. I continued to work in the projects department for another 9 months and he maybe said hello to me twice. Maybe if he wouldn't have been such a jackass about stupid stuff maybe I would have stuck around. Or maybe if he acted like a real manager. Or maybe if he would have treated me and everyone else with a little respect....I could go on and on. Anyway, my stress level went way, way down once I left. I am also not working any over time with my new company so I have more time to spend with my precious daughter.

Speaking of my precious daughter, she turned 1 on Jan. 12 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe she is already 1. Time sure does fly by. She is walking around pretty good now so you can imagine she is getting into everything.

Here are a few things I have learned in my first year of being a dad and almost 3rd year of being a husband

1. I never thought I could love 2 people so much
2. I thought that I wanted a boy like most men but I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything in the world.
3. Babies can bite pretty hard even if they only have a few teeth
4. Seriously, plastic blocks hurt when stepped on in the middle of the night
5. No matter how tired or frustrated I am the smile from my wife or baby makes it all go away.
6. It's starting to seem that I know more songs from my daughters toys than I do on the radio
7. Women, both young and old, are truly amazing
8. I have never thought about safety so much in my life
9. I have never worried so much in my life when my daughter is sick or something might be wrong
10. I love being married to my wife
11. I love being a Dad

Anyway I will try to post more stuff when I can.

Later

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, a ge 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Question for today

Why do women have to open their mouths when they put on mascara?

Coffee Lesson

A group of alumni, all highly established in their respective careers, got together for a visit with their old university professor. The conversation soon turned to complaints about the endless stress of work and life.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went into the kitchen and soon returned with a large pot of coffee and an eclectic assortment of cups: porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal - some plain, some expensive, some quite exquisite. Quietly he told them to help themselves to some fresh coffee...

When each of his former students had a cup of coffee in hand, the old professor quietly cleared his throat and began to patiently address the small gathering...

"You may have noticed that all of the nicer looking cups were taken up first, leaving behind the plainer and cheaper ones. While it is only natural for you to want only the best for yourselves that is actually the source of much of your stress-related problems..."

"Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In fact, the cup merely disguises or dresses up what we drink. What each of you really wanted was coffee, not a cup, but you instinctively went for the best cups... Then you began eying each others cups....''

"Now consider this: Life is coffee. Jobs, money, and position in society are merely cups. They are just tools to shape and contain life, and the type of cup we have does not truly define nor change the quality of the life we live...''

"Often, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee.''
The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything.

Remember:
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care Deeply.
Speak Kindly.
Enjoy the coffee.

Baptizing a Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down
for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
 
 
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

Little Eyes

A message every adult should read, because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a Prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted me to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."

LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT. Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher or friend) influences the life of a child. How will you touch the life of someone today?

This is how it's done

 

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that friends, is how it all works!

 

Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas...

  

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas.

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas.   

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use

them, you may live in Texas.   

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph and you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Texas.

If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Texas.

If you actually understand these jokes you definitely live in Texas.

 

Why Men Are Never Depressed

Men Are Just Happier People

 

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom

because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn
a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux  rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of  thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of  shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on

December 24 in 25 minutes.

analogy

Maybe I have posted this before…maybe I haven’t.  These days I can’t remember

 

 

QUITE AN ANALOGY

 

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous

 

flow of free and easily accessible food.

 

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above

 

the table, and next to the barbecue.

 

Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere.

 

Then some of the birds turned mean:

 

They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out

 

of my own pocket.

 

And others birds were boisterous and loud:

 

They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

 

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore.

 

I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone.

 

I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

 

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

 

Now let's see....... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

 

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.

 

Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families: you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor: your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English: Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to press "one" to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

 

Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

 

 

Blonde VS a Lawyer

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention. To keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to
the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the   Library of
Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.  

ATLANTA AIRPORT

Atlanta Airport

Some of you will enjoy this more than others - Southerners can be so polite!
AtlantaAir Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.
AtlantaATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you AtlantaATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great.
Pause:
Static..
Saudi Air: " ATLANTAATC - ATLANTAATC"
AtlantaATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.
AtlantaATC: Well bless your hearts and praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us --
Ya hear?

 

"out of office" replies to email ....

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

 3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

 4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

 5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

 6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

 7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

 8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

 9. I've run away to join a different circus.

 10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical  reasons.
 When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Larry'

 

hmmmmm

Thoughts to Ponder

 

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

 

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

 

Some people are like a slinky: Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

 

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it normal.

 

They know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but they don't have a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe they should put the department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.

 

 

Questions for the day

If anyone out there in never never land has the answers to the following, please comment.

 

 

If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?

 

Why are red buttons always the most important?

 

What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?

 

If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?

 

What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8?

What shape is the sky?

 

And the last question for today.

 

If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?