LARK Program

THE LARK PROGRAM
A liberal wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about
the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in
Guantanamo Bay . She received back the following reply:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington , D.C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of
the Taliban and Al Quada detainees currently being held at Guantanamo
Bay , Cuba .

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was
heard loud and clear here in Washington . You'll be pleased to learn
that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are
creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers"
program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal
detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed
guard to your residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some
assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure
that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so
strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem"
will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these
skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide
variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you
may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this
might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This
is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new
dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka
over time. Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and
his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good
care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching.

Good luck!

Cordially, your friend,

GEORGE W. BUSH

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus
Christ and the American G. I.

One died for your soul; the other for your freedom.