Thursday, April 26, 2007

Police Humor

These 16 Police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country: Police giving citations.

#16 "You know,  stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going?  I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.  Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning!  You want a warning?  O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair?  You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours.   So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right, we don't.  Sign here."

 

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

How your cursor works...

 

Be sure, after you click the link, to move your mouse "over" the circle.


 Haven't you ever wondered how it works?

 Now, through the miracle of the high technology, we can
see how it is done.

With the aid of a screen magnifying lens the mechanism
becomes apparent.

Go to: http://www.1-click.jp/

 

And after seeing this, DON'T YOU EVER COMPAIN THAT YOU WORK TOO HARD!

 

MORAL OF THE STORY

*OLD VERSION*:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

************************************************************
*MODERN VERSION:*

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of green insects and call for an
immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for
failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote



Thursday, April 19, 2007

Hurray for the internet!

I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that
needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so
a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,
and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
>grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...!!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Still Learning

 

 

I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad
 it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
 
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she
Handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled
Christmas Tree lights.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a
"life.."

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt
On both hands. You need to be able to throw something back

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you But, if
You focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work
and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Dog and Cat Diary

 

 

"Excerpts from a Dog's Diary"


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:3 0am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"



Day 983 of my captivity.  My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.  They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. 
     
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly  demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. 

 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this  means, and how to use it to my advantage. 
     
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.  I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.  The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than  willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.  For now...


Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

Click Here

Saturday, April 14, 2007



My first Veteran's Honor rose from the plant that I bought last year after my grandparents passed away.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Google Maps



1. go to www.google.com
2. click on "maps"
3. click on "get directions"
4. type "
New York" in the first box (the "from" box)
5. type "
London" in the second box (the "to" box)
6. click on "get directions"
7. scroll down to step #23


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

real newspaper ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE :

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Seen some of these before

"You know you're a redneck when......


1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter..

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made
it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on
the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your nonworking TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Dang, I love this state

The population of Texas is 21 million

70% of the population of Texas lives within 200 miles of Austin.

Texas possesses three of the Top Ten most populous cities in the U.S. - Houston, Dallas and San Antonio.

Texas' most populous county is Harris county with 3.4 million residents in Houston. The least populated county is Loving county with 67 residents.

Texas has 215 cities with a population of 10,000 or more.

The Dallas-Fort Worth area has more residents - 5,221,801 - than 31 U.S. states. For example, Arizona has about 5.1 million residents.

Texas includes 267,339 square miles, or 7.4% of the nation's total area.

El Paso, Texas is closer to Needles, California (516 miles) than it is to Dallas, Texas (571 miles)

Texas' largest county is Brewster with 6,208 square miles. Connecticut (5,544 Sq Mi), Delaware (2,489 Sq Mi) and Rhode Island (1,545 Sq Mi) can fit inside this county.

The King Ranch itself near Corpus Christi is larger than the state of Rhode Island and includes 50,000 head of cattle.

Texas possesses 23,292 farms with 1,000 acres or more for a total of 132 million acres, or 80% of the state land area,

Texas has 90 mountains a mile or more high, with Guadalupe Peak in West Texas at 8,751 feet being the tallest.

Almost 10% of Texas is covered by forest which includes four national and five state forests.

Average yearly rainfall totals in West Texas are less than 8 inches while in East Texas totals exceed 56 inches.

The average January temperature for Amarillo is 36.7 degrees while in Brownsville the average is 61.4. On March 27, 1984, the temperature in Brownsville was 106 degrees while Amarillo reported snow and 35 degrees

Texas is popularly known as The Lone Star State.

The Alamo is located in San Antonio. It is where Texas defenders fell to Mexican General Santa Anna and the phrase Remember the Alamo originated. The Alamo is considered the cradle of Texas liberty and the state's most popular historic site.

Texas is the only state to have the flags of 6 different nations fly over it. They are: Spain, France, Mexico, Republic of Texas, Confederate States, and the United States.

Although six flags have flown over Texas, there have been eight changes of government: Spanish 1519-1685, French 1685-1690, Spanish 1690-1821, Mexican 1821-1836, Republic of Texas 1836-1845, United States 1845-1861, Confederate States 1861-1865, United States 1865-present.

During the period of July 24-26, 1979, the Tropical Storm Claudette brought 45 inches of rain to an area near Alvin, Texas, contributing to more than $600 million in damages. Claudette produced the United States 24 hour rainfall record of 43 inches.

More wool comes from the state of Texas than any other state in the United States.

Edwards Plateau in west central Texas is the top sheep growing area in the country.

Texas is the only state to enter the United States by treaty instead of territorial annexation.

The state was an independent nation from 1836 to 1845.

Texas boasts the nation's largest herd of whitetail deer.

A coastal live oak located near Fulton is the oldest tree in the state. The tree has an estimated age of more than 1,500 years.

Sam Houston, arguably the most famous Texan, was actually born in Virginia. Houston served as governor of Tennessee before coming to Texas.

Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.

When Texas was annexed in 1845 it retained the right to fly its flag at the same height as the national flag.

The first offensive action of the Texas Revolution occurred in Goliad on October 9, 1835 when local colonists captured the fort and town.

On December 20, 1835 the first Declaration of Texas Independence was signed in Goliad and the first flag of Texas Independence was hoisted.

The Hertzberg Circus Museum in San Antonio contains one of the largest assortments of circusana in the world.

The capital city of Austin is located on the Colorado River in south-central Texas. The capitol building is made from Texas pink granite. It served as the capital of the Republic of Texas in 1840-1842.

Austin is considered the live music capital of the world.

Texas is home to Dell and Compaq computers and central Texas is often referred to as the Silicon Valley of the south.

Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. The Dublin Dr Pepper, 85 miles west of Waco, still uses pure imperial cane sugar in its product.

The first suspension bridge in the United States was the Waco Bridge. Built in 1870 and still in use today as a pedestrian crossing of the Brazos River.

In 1836 five sites served as temporary capitals of Texas: Washington-on-the-Brazos: Harrisburg: Galveston: Velasco: and Columbia. Sam Houston moved the capital to Houston in 1837. In 1839 the capital was moved to the new town of Austin.

The capitol in Austin opened May 16, 1888. The dome of the building stands seven feet higher than that of the nation's Capitol in Washington, D.C.

Texas has the first domed stadium in the country. The structure was built in Houston and opened in April 1965.

The worst natural disaster in United States history was caused by a hurricane that hit Galveston in 1900. Over 8000 deaths were recorded.

The first word spoken from the moon on July 20, 1969 was Houston.

The state's cattle population is estimated to be near 16 million.

More land is farmed in Texas than in any other state.

More species of bats live in Texas than in any other part of the United States.

Laredo is the world's largest inland port.

Port Lavaca has the world's longest fishing pier. Originally part of the causeway connecting the two sides of Lavaca Bay, the center span of was destroyed by Hurricane Carla in 1961.

The Tyler Municipal Rose Garden is the world's largest rose garden. It contains 38,000 rose bushes representing 500 varieties of roses set in a 22-acre garden.

Amarillo has the world's largest helium well.

The world's first rodeo was held in Pecos on July 4, 1883.

The Flagship Hotel on Seawall Boulevard in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built entirely over the water.

The Heisman trophy is named for John William Heisman the first full-time coach and athletic director at Rice University in Houston.

Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other comparable area in North America.

The Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.

Jalapeno pepper jelly originated in Lake Jackson and was first marketed in 1978.

Capital City:

Austin

Statehood:

December 29, 1845 (28th)

Nickname:

Lone Star State

Motto:

Friendship

Origin of State Name:

Based on a word used by Caddo Indians meaning "friends"

Counties:

254

Land Area:

262,015 sq. mi.; 2nd largest

Highest Point:

Guadalupe Peak, 8,749 ft

Lowest Point:

Gulf of Mexico, sea level

State Bird:

Mockingbird

State Flower:

Bluebonnet (lupinus)

State Tree:

Pecan (carya illinoensis)

State Song:

Texas, Our Texas

State Web Site:

http://www.state.tx.us/

State Mammal (Large) :

Texas Longhorn

State Mammal (Small):

Armadillo

State Reptile:

Horned Lizard

State Flying Mammal:

Mexican Free-tailed Bat

State Plant:

Prickly Pear Cactus

State Grass:

Sideoats Grama

State Ship:

Battleship Texas

State Folk Dance:

Square Dance

State Fruit:

Texas Red Grapefruit

State Gemstone cut:

The Lone Star Cut

State Stone:

Petrified Palmwood

State Seashell:

Lightning Whelk

State Dish:

Chili

State Pepper:

Jalapeno

State Fish:

Guadalupe Bass

State Insect:

State Shell:

Monarch Butterfly

Lightning Welk

Longest State River:

Rio Grande (1270 miles)