I Am A *Toddler*

 

I AM A *TODDLER*

If it's on, I must turn it off.
If it's off, I must turn it on.
If it's folded, I must unfold it.
If it's high, it must be reached.
If it's shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it's pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it's plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it's not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it's in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on
the floor.
If it's closed, it must be opened.
If it doesn't open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it's a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, computer
monitor, or table.
If it's full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it's empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it's a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it's a stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in
without protest and must be pushed by me instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it's paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it's YOUR toothbrush, it must be inserted into MY mouth.
If it's MY toothbrush, it must be inserted into YOUR mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it's a phone, I must talk into it, unless there is someone on the
other end.
If it's a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it's not food, it must be tasted.
If it's food, it must NOT be tasted.
If it has a tail, I must yank it.
If Mommy wants me to come, I must run away.
If Mommy wants me to go away, I must CLING ON FOR DEAR LIFE.
If it's sticky, it must go in my hair.
If it's bath time, I must run around naked until I'm caught.