Blonde VS a Lawyer

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention. To keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to
the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the   Library of
Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.  

ATLANTA AIRPORT

Atlanta Airport

Some of you will enjoy this more than others - Southerners can be so polite!
AtlantaAir Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.
AtlantaATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you AtlantaATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great.
Pause:
Static..
Saudi Air: " ATLANTAATC - ATLANTAATC"
AtlantaATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.
AtlantaATC: Well bless your hearts and praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us --
Ya hear?

 

"out of office" replies to email ....

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

 3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

 4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

 5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

 6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

 7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

 8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

 9. I've run away to join a different circus.

 10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical  reasons.
 When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Larry'

 

hmmmmm

Thoughts to Ponder

 

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

 

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

 

Some people are like a slinky: Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

 

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it normal.

 

They know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but they don't have a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe they should put the department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.

 

 

Questions for the day

If anyone out there in never never land has the answers to the following, please comment.

 

 

If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?

 

Why are red buttons always the most important?

 

What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?

 

If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?

 

What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8?

What shape is the sky?

 

And the last question for today.

 

If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?

 

 

 

Sorry state of affairs!

A conversation between a Customer and Bank of America

 

Bank: This is the Bank of America, can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I want to cancel my account. I don't want to do business with you any longer.

Bank: Why?

Customer: You're giving credit to illegal immigrants and I don't think it's right. I'm taking my business elsewhere.

Bank: Well, Mr. Customer, we don't want to see you do that, but we can't stop you. I'll help you close the account.

What is your account number?

Customer: (gives account number)

Bank: For security purposes and for your protection,

can you please give me the last four digits of your social security number?

Customer: No.

Bank: Mr. Customer, I need to verify your information, but in order to help you, I'll need verification of who you are.

Customer: Why should I give you my social security number? The reason I'm closing my account is that your

bank is issuing credit cards to illegal immigrants who don't have social security numbers.   You are targeting that audience and want their business. Let's say I'm an illegal immigrant and you've given me a credit card. I have a question about it and call for assistance.   You wouldn't be asking me for a Social Security number, would you?

Bank: No sir, I wouldn't.

Customer: Why not?

Bank: Because you would have pressed '2' to speak in Spanish. We don't ask for that information when calling in on the Spanish line.

 

CHECK THIS OUT ON SNOPES!  IT'S TRUE!

 

http://www.snopes.com/politics/immigration/bankofamerica.asp

 

 

 

 

 

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

 

 

 

Heightened Alert

In Todays News…. I Thomas Morgan… bring you the breaking stories on heightened terror alert levels…
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon 'though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the British and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the

new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With World Com, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.