Interesting

Texas history.....

Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas ..

1. Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles

2. Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles

3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas

4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos , July 4, 1883 .

5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.

6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach for Rice University in Houston .

7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America .

8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America 's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.

9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.

10. The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 caused by a hurricane in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island .

11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969 , was " Houston ."

12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island .

13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a US . rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July 1979.

14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as Constitution of 1845 by Republic of Texas to enter the union) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the US flag, and may divide into 4 States.

15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.

16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.

17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885.

There is no period after Dr in Dr Pepper.

18. Texas has had six capital cities:

18.1 Washington-on-the-Brazos

18.2 Harrisburg

18.3 Galveston

18.4 Velasco

18.5 West Columbia

18.6 Austin

19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S which is taller than the CapitolBuilding in Washington D.C. (by 7 feet).

20. The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas .

21. The State animal is the Armadillo. (An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies! They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females. Well, I thought it was interesting anyway!)

22. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston .

23. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - TEXAS STYLE People here in Texas have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the ten Commandments. Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language:

Ten Commandments, Cowboy Style.

Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie , Texas .

(1) Just one God.

(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.

(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.

(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.

(5) Put nothin' before God.

(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.

(7) No killin'.

(8) Watch yer mouth.

(9) Don't take what ain't yers.

(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple don't ya think?

Y'all have a good Day.

Ye hear now ?

"THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPON YOU"

Pissing me off

Ok so for a while I have tried to keep out of the political issues because I was tired of all the crap. But the Muslims are pissing me off.

First of all it is not a religion of peace. If they were a religious group of peace then when someone says something bad about them they would not riot, or throw fire bombs at churches on the West Bank, or shoot to death a nun in Somalia, or burn images in the streets of the pope.

You are a bunch of FLIPPIN Morons. All you want is an excuse to go on a rampage and blame it on someone hurting your feelings. Some of us here in America learn something when we are little kids...Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me. (However the tree hugging hippie libs in this country are like you idiots and start crying and crap when people hurt their feelings.)

You don't see me getting all upset and calling for protest and riots because you are burning figures of the pope in streets. I not throwing fire bombs at mosques here in the US. You are doing exactly what the pope said, spreading violence and evil. You can call me whatever you want but I am still not going to strap 20 pounds of explosives to my chest and run into a school because you mad me "upset" !!!! Your religion and its leaders are full of evil and violence. Mohammed is a jackass and you can wage your little jihad all you want. But please stop crying you bunch of babies and stop blaming your need to blow shit up on how your feelings got hurt because someone told the truth about your crappy religion.

You want apologies...Well so do I for the following from the Muslim leaders.

1. The 3000+ dead on 9/11
2. The bombing of the USS Cole
3. The bombing of the US Embassies
4. The 168 dead in Madrid
5. The 54 dead in London
6. The Taliban destruction of centuries old Buddhist statues
7. The millions dead in Darfur
8. The declaration of war on Christianity
9. For making Jews wear stars of David on their sleeves in Tehran
10. For making Hindus wear symbols on their clothes in Iran
11. For threatening to behead a Christian in Afghanistan for converting to Christianity
12. For banning bibles in Saudi Arabia
13. For burning the American flag in your streets
14. For beheading US citizens in Iraq
15. For burning images of the pope in your streets
16. For threatening to wipe Israel off the map
17. For continuing to push your followers to protest this stupid situation
AND
18. For the 1.5 billion F'IN idiotic followers that are threatening world civilization !!!!!!!!

The list can still go on but I am tired of this crap. Maybe if your leaders come out with apologies for the above I might start to give a rat's ass about you, your religion, or your opinions. Until then go back to the shithole you call a home and stop trying to ruin the world. On second thought, not even an apology for the above would make think you are more than just a pack of crazy f'in idiots.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

So much to talk about

So I am still raising funds for my Lance Armstrong race. I have been training. This past Saturday I did almost 20 miles. The route in Austin will be much harder due to the hills compared with the flat roads I have been riding on. But I am determined to make it. See my other post for donation links or I will post it again in a day or so.

My wifey's doctors appointment went well. All is good and the baby is growing. I haven't felt it kick or anything yet. My wife has. Due date still January 15th.

I will update more as it comes

About my Grandmother

Well, where do I begin. My brothers and I have had a tuff summer. My other grandmother passed away this past weekend. We have laid to rest all of the grandparents we knew. My grandfather on my Mom's side passed away before any of his grandchildren were born. Man I wish I would have met him. I wish I could sit down and listen to stories about my mom, aunts and uncle. But my grandmother is with him and my two aunts now. One day I will see them all again and get that chance to speak with my grandfather.
We called this grandmother Memaw as well (thanks to my older brother). Memaw was a wonderful grandmother. I remember always spending the night at her house when we were kids. Always great food and plenty of ice cream for desert. Memaw always loved having her grandchildren around. Many times it wouldn't just be me and my brothers but our cousins too. We all grew up like brothers. She had a great climbing tree in her back yard. When she would drive us to places she was always playing classical music in her car. She would wave her hand back and forth like she was conducting the orchestra. Back then we always use to make fun of how she did it. She never cared she just loved the music. Now remembering how she use to do it, it brings a smile to my face. Memaw use to come to soccer games, choir concerts or anything else we had going on. She would always be there in the seats support us. Holidays and get togethers were always a blast at her house. First there was always enough food to serve a small army and she always reminded us of that. Heck there were always so many people there that we probably could have invaded a small country. At Christmas she always had a cool tree. She had some very old ornaments and from what I have been told some of them from WWII era. I always thought those were the coolest. There was always a stocking for everyone there. And with the size of our family just imagine about 100 stockings by the fireplace. She always gave each of us a mushy birthday card about how we were the best grandchild in the world. I can tell my brothers and cousins now that she liked me the most but I swore never to tell anyone. Just kidding. She loved all of her grandchildren dearly. The first thing anyone had to do no matter how old you were was when you walked through the door you had to go give Memaw a kiss hello. And when you left you better give her a kiss good-bye. You don't want to mess with an Irish hex.
She always talked about Ireland and talked about going back to Oregon. But I think her most favorite place was Galveston, TX. Every year my family would rent a beach house in Galveston for a week. She loved to sit on the front porch facing the water and read and relax in the breeze. She would watch us play in the sand, go swimming and fishing in the surf. She would come down and swim with us and she would float on her back in the water while singing some of the most funny songs any young kid could imagine. And of course my mom, aunts, and uncle taught us a few gross ones of course. You all know what I am talking about....Great Green Globs.....Worms crawl in... you know the ones and are probably singing them to yourself now.....and now are laughing at yourself because you know I caught you doing it. Anyway we (brothers, cousins, uncle) would get up bright and early to go fishing out in the surf. We knew that once the sun came up we could always look back at the house and there Memaw would be on the porch reading her book and enjoying her morning coffee. She would always ask as we walked back under the house if we caught anything and was so excited when we did. That meant she got some fresh trout for lunch or dinner. When we would be arriving at Galveston and we would get the first sight of the Gulf she would always say "There's the Big Water!!!" Good times.
When I was able to drive and as she got older she use to ask me to come over and do some things around the house. Mostly gardening work. At her old house on Hazen she had a few rose bushes. I soon learned when the proper time to cut them back and feed them (Valentines day) and how to cut the flowers so that the plant would put out more. I always would like to think of myself as her "Rose Man". This is where I gained my love for roses. Memaw had some beautiful roses and loved to cut them and put them in the house. Every time I saw one in the house I knew I had a hand in it and knew that it made her happy.
My grandmother always talked highly about my parents. Even as a teenager when I thought they were totally unfair/not cool she would always remind me of how great my parents were. She would always say that my dad was a very good husband, my mom was a very good wife, and how they were excellent parents to me and my brothers. She was 100% right. She raised my mom, aunts and uncle to be great people and my other grandparents raised my dad, aunts, and uncle to be great too.
I would have to say that on both sides of my family I have had the greatest mom, dad, brothers, aunts, uncles, and cousins any child could ever wish for.
I know that if I can be just half as good as my parents and grandparents are/were then my kids and grandchildren are going to be just fine.

I could go on and on about my grandparents but will save that for another time and place.

Memaw, we love and miss you. Say hi to Grandpa Flanagan, Memaw and Bepaw Morgan, Geeg, and Nanie for us.

Love
Tom and all of your grandchildren

My Grandmother

STELLA "Catherine" WEISS FLANAGAN, 82, of Houston, died Friday, September 1, 2006, surrounded by her family. Catherine was born August 20, 1924, in Houston, Texas, the youngest child of L. A. "Buster" and Anna Mae Weiss. Catherine attended Holy Rosary and St. Agnes schools prior to attending the University of Houston where she studied music. Shortly thereafter her adventures took her to Portland, Oregon, where she met her husband, James Flanagan. Jim and Catherine were married and had their first child in Portland before returning to Texas to settle in Houston. Everyone who knew Catherine knew she was a spirited person whose love of music, cooking, entertaining and being surrounded by those she loved could only be matched by her love of Galveston and the annual trips there with her family and friends. Her love of life and sense of adventure will be missed by all. Catherine is preceded in death by her parents, her brother Gorman Weiss, husband Jim, daughters Mary Ann Flanagan and Gerry Kopecky. She is survived by her children and their spouses, Margaret and Scott Morgan, Cathy and Matt Flannery, Elizabeth and Doug Brown, all of Houston, Patricia Flanagan of Austin and James and Tina Flanagan of Nichols, South Carolina; and grandchildren and great grandchildren: Daniel, Thomas and Kari, Nicholas and Kristin Morgan; Anthony, Frank, Tara and Leah, and Michael Flannery; Trey, Kevin, Colleen and Ja'Vien Kopecky; Benjamin Brown; Nicole and Cody Flanagan. Pallbearers will be her grandsons and honorary pallbearers will be Dr. Stuart Boren, Mr. F. R. McCauley, Mr. Lloyd Waguespack, Mr. Finis Lewellin and the Honorable Frank Rynd. The family wishes to express its gratitude to Vitas Hospice for the loving care they provided in Catherine's final hours and for the caregivers at Park Manor during her stay there. Visitation will be from 7 to 9 p.m. on Monday, September 4, 2006, with a Rosary at 8:00 p.m. at Klein Funeral Home at 16131 Champion Forest Drive, Spring. Funeral Mass will be held at Prince of Peace Catholic Community, 19222 Tomball Parkway (FM249), Houston on Tuesday, September 5, at 2pm. Interment will take place at Resthaven Cemetery, 13102 North Freeway (I-45N). Donations may be made to the charity of your choice.

Been Busy

Hello everyone out there in never never land (if anyone actually reads this). I have been busy and lots of stuff going on in my life. The most important being in these pictures.







Yes, that's right, pretty soon there will be a little one running around the house. This is our first one. These pictures are at 18 weeks. Pretty amazing. Just watching the ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat is unbelievable. Due date is January 15. Almost halfway there. I will post more pictures as we go along.

We are not going to find out what it is. But we have picked out the names. For a boy Taylor Patrick and for a girl Madison Avery.

Now my master plan is to have 10 in order to field a baseball team and have a closing pitcher....However my wifey seems to think that is a little much. But how cool would that be !!!!!

Anyway I hope to post more soon. And to everyone that has donated to the Lance Armstrong Foundation for me THANKS !!!!!

Good Point

The man is Rick Mathes a prison minister. I thought it was good
reading.
The Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion per capita in the
United States, especially in the minority races!!!

"Allah or Jesus?" by Rick Mathes (A well known leader in prison
ministry)

Last month, I attended my annual training session that's required for
maintaining my state prison security clearance. During the training
session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the
Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths, who explained each of
their beliefs.

I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say.
The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete
with
a video.

After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers.

When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked:
"Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and
clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the
infidels of the world and, that by killing an infidel, (which is a
command to all Muslims) they are assured of a place in heaven. If
that's
the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?"

There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation,
he
replied, "Non-believers!"

I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers
of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith
so they can have a place in Heaven. Is that correct?"

The _expression on his face changed from one of authority and command
to
that of "a little boy who had just been caught with his hand in the
cookie jar." He sheepishly replied, "Yes"

I then stated, "Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine Pope
John Paul commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Dr.
Stanley ordering all Protestants to do the same in order to guarantee
them a place in Heaven!"

The Imam was speechless.

I continued, "I also have a problem with being your 'friend' , when you
and your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me! Let me
ask you a question. Would you rather have your Allah, who tells you to
kill me in order for you to go to Heaven, or my Jesus who tells me to
love you because I am going to Heaven and He wants you to be there with
me?"

You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame. Needless to say, the organizers and/or promoters of the
'Diversification' training seminar were not happy with Rick's way of
dealing with the Islamic Imam and exposing the truth about the Muslims'
beliefs. In twenty years there will be enough Muslim voters in the
U.S.to elect the President! I think everyone in the US should be
required to read this but with the liberal justice system, liberal
media,and the ACLU, there is no way this will be widely publicized.

Please pass this on to all your e-mail contacts.

This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is a well known
leader
in prison ministry

A man only accepts the hand of his rescuer, once he realizes he is
drowning, and cannot save himself

US Marine

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the
courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the
ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock
me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room
fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the
professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the
last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the
professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor
was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The
other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine
and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's
troops who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an
asshole. ................So, He sent me."

About my Grandmother

She went by Memaw to all of her grandchildren. Most of the time she was quiet and just let my grandfather ramble on about business deals, Alabama football or whatever. I can still hear her say, "Oh Pat..." at things she thought were crazy that my grandfather would say. Her house was always spotless. She always had plenty of toys and books to play with and read. The food she cooked was always great. She had stashes of candy around the house. One of my fondest memories was that as we were leaving each time my parents took my brothers and I to visit we would each ask Memaw if we could have a piece of candy for the ride home. Of course the answer was always yes. We never took more than one nor asked for candy at any other time but when it was time to leave. I guess we always thought that if we took or asked for more then there would not be any next time. Boy did that candy taste good on the ride home. The ride was only 20 or 30 minutes but as a kid that is eternity. The candy just made the ride go by faster. Memaw always had a bird feeder and sometimes complained how the squirrels were taking all the food but she kept refilling it just to see the birds.
Now to my most favorite and most cherished memory. When I was young my mother use to ask me at my birthday what kind of cake I would like. I would always say I wanted Memaw's chocolate cake. Holy crap that was a good cake. I cannot explain in simple words how good it was. I never knew how she did it but that cake tasted better every year. Before we got married my wife had a shower with a kitchen theme. People were asked to give recipes. My grandmother could not make it. However my wife and I received the recipe for the chocolate cake. I think that out of everything we received for the showers and wedding, that recipe is my most favorite gift and I will cherish it forever. I have not tried to make it yet but I don't think I could do it the same anyway. It was just something about Memaw's Chocolate Cake. It must have been all the experience and the great amount of care and love put into it that made it so damn good. Sorry for the strong language but really it was the BEST you just don't even know. Maybe one day I will try to make it and post the recipe on here.
Now Memaw is in a better place. She is with her family and most importantly with my grandfather. Whether my grandfather would admit it or not, he always needed her and she always needed him. Now they are together again.
Memaw, keep Bepaw in line up there and make sure he keeps it down when Alabama is playing football. Also one more favor. Make that chocolate cake for all the children up in heaven, they will love it!!!!!

We love and miss you

Tom and all of your grandchildren

My Grandmother

Helen Rockwell Morgan, 85, of Houston, died Wednesday, August 9, 2006, at home in the company of her family. Helen was born on July 11, 1921, in Camden, Arkansas, the youngest child of Byrd and Olive Rockwell. She grew up in Sheffield, Alabama, where she lived until accepting a position with the Tennessee Valley Authority in 1940. Helen moved to Knoxville and soon met her future husband, Patrick Morgan, whom she married on June 9, 1942. After several career changes and the birth of four children, Pat and Helen eventually settled in Houston in the early 60's. All who met Helen were touched by her kind manner and sweet nature. Helen is preceded in death by her parents, sisters Peggy and Mary, brothers George and Louis, grandson Seth Morgan and most recently, her husband. She is survived by her children and their spouses Scott and Margaret Morgan of Houston, Beth and Drew Black of Folsom, CA, Jack and Carole Morgan of Houston, Melissa and George Tooley of Katy, as well as ten grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, nieces and nephews. Pallbearers will be grandsons Daniel, Thomas, Nicholas, Andrew and Griffin Morgan, Keegan and Jared Tooley and Morgan Black. Granddaughters Meredith Black and Kaelin Tooley will serve as lectors for her Rite of Christian Burial Mass. The family wishes to thank VistaCare Hospice for their wonderful help and support during Helen's last days and the staff at the Atria Westchase for their devotion to our mother and Memaw. Visitation will be from 7 to 9 p.m. on Friday, August 11, with a Rosary at 8 p.m. at Earthman Hunter's Creek, 8303 Katy Frwy, Houston. Funeral Mass will be held at St. Cyril's of Alexandria, 10503 Westheimer, Houston on Saturday, August 12, at 10:00 a.m. Interment will take place at Memorial Oaks Cemetery. Donations may be made to the Mercy Home for Boys and Girls, 1140 West Jackson Blvd, Chicago, IL, 60607-2980.

Please help

Hello Everyone

A few months ago my cousin, Mike, was diagnosed with cancer. This is the same type of cancer that Lance Armstrong had and beat. My cousin, who I view as a brother, is a tremendous young man. He is 21 years old and attends Texas A&M at Galveston. He went through chemotherapy like a champ. The chemo did not get everything so he had to have surgery.

The Lance Armstrong Foundation raises money to fight this deadly disease. Every year they have a walk, run, and bike ride to raise funds. My family has put together a team in honor of my cousin.

I have signed up for the 40 mile bike ride. This will be a definite challenge for me in a couple of ways. First, I am not in shape at all and secondly I have never ridden a bike this far before. I am starting my training this month. The ride is October 8th in Austin, TX.

I need help from any and all that are reading this. I have to raise $500 to participate in the ride. Any contributions you can give would be greatly appreciated by Mike, my family and especially by me. The link below will take you to my website to donate online. If you would rather send cash or check you can give it to me or email me and I will send you my home address. Thomas_Morgan15@yahoo.com

Click here for online donation

With your help we can beat this thing for Mike and everyone else who suffers from it.

Thank you for your support

Tom Morgan

PS: I will be reposting this every week so that it is at the top of this page.

Question

Read the following and figure out an answer......then look in the comments to see if you are right.

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Another "If you are reading this..." (Especially for my cousin)

Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking, why don't hunters just use flame-throwers?

If you are reading this....

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Robot Bartender

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please". The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity' 'interstellar space travel' 'the latest medical break through's etc........?
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please'" Again it was suburb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered , "Oh about 100".
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end. The guy had to try it one more time.
So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".. The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked , " A-r-e Y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?"

Touching Story

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, hecame across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thornand the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else butof being trampled.Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with hisson. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creaturesturned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant andstared back in wonder.Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunkaround one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

What kind of car are you?

I am a Dodge Viper !!!!!! Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Click here

Today's "If you are reading this"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If you are reading this....

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

One more "If you're reading this" for today

Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?

Another "If you're reading this"

What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?

Speeding in Arkansas

A cowboy from Texas was pulled over by an Akansas DPS Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies ?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."

Well, sir," the cowboy replied, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stopped and said, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replied, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper said and went back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl said, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Us Senator unhurt in Air Crash

The Associated Press reports that New York Senator Hillary Clinton, narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft that she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern New Jersey because of bad weather. National Transportation Safety Board officials have issued a preliminary determination that pilot error contributed to the accident, and that the senator was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR [instrument flight rating] conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating. The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured. Photographs taken at the scene show the extent of damage to Senator Clinton's aircraft. She was very lucky.

Does anyone really read this?????

If you do let me know your thoughts on this

How can a fly, flying right side up, land on a ceiling upside down?

If you say it rolls over like a jet doing a barrel roll or something, then ok. Then does it know which way is really up and which way is down. Why doesn't it fly upside down all the time. Or does it usually fly upside down and it's legs are really on it's back?!?!?!?!

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Human Rights and Wrongs

Check out this article

Read Me

Ok so I took this test and it said I was 100% Dixie....YEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAW

Dixie Test

Laters

Tom

Crazy Laws of Texas

If you think I am a little off my rocker then you will get a kick out of these laws of Texas

State Laws

One must acknowledge a supreme being before being able to hold public office.

Full text of the LawThe Texas ConstitutionArticle 1 - BILL OF RIGHTSSection 4 - RELIGIOUS TESTS
No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office, or public trust, in this State; nor shall any one be excluded from holding office on account of his religious sentiments, provided he acknowledge the existence of a Supreme Being.
OK. I will go along with this one.


It is illegal to sell one's eye.

Full text of the Law? 48.02. Prohibition of the Purchase and Sale of Human Organs
(a) "Human organ" means the human kidney, liver, heart, lung, pancreas, eye, bone, skin, fetal tissue, or any other human organ or tissue, but does not include hair or blood, blood components (including plasma), blood derivatives, or blood reagents.
(b) A person commits an offense if he or she knowingly or intentionally offers to buy, offers to sell, acquires, receives, sells, or otherwise transfers any human organ for valuable consideration.
(c) It is an exception to the application of this section that the valuable consideration is: (1) a fee paid to a physician or to other medical personnel for services rendered in the usual course of medical practice or a fee paid for hospital or other clinical services; (2) reimbursement of legal or medical expenses incurred for the benefit of the ultimate receiver of the organ; or (3) reimbursement of expenses of travel, housing, and lost wages incurred by the donor of a human organ in connection with the donation of the organ.
(d) A violation of this section is a Class A misdemeanor.
Added by Acts 1985, 69th Leg., ch. 40, ? 1, eff. Aug. 26, 1985. Amended by Acts 1993, 73rd Leg., ch. 900, ? 1.01, eff. Sept. 1, 1994.
What????? They actually had to make this a law. How big of a crack head do you have to be to sell your own eye?

A program has been created in the state that attempts to control the weather.

Full text of the Law? 20.003. Weather Modification and Control Grant Program
The department shall develop and administer a program awarding matching grants to political subdivisions of this state for weather modification and control.
Added by Acts 2001, 77th Leg., ch. 376, ? 2.01, eff. Sept. 1, 2001.
Tax dollars at work?!?!

When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
Apparently this was added to another bill by a state senator in order to make the original bill not pass. Well they both passed.

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
This law is probably because of something some drunk redneck did.

It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
A big problem especially in downtown Houston ?!?!?!

It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
Apparently we have problems with mysterious milkers

A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
What???? Seriously???? Do you really think they care.

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
Can you say Bible Belt

City Laws in Texas

Abilene
It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

Austin
Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.
ExplanationIn the days of the old "wild west", cowboys would cut barbed wire fences of property owners in order to allow their cattle herds to pass through. To prevent such acts, an ordinance was passed. You better check their shoes.

Beaumont
Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University. Problems at games?

Borger
It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind. Those trouble making Borgerans !!! Where the hell is Borger anyway???

Clarendon
It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.

El Paso
Urinating on the streets is illegal. Good to know.

Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them. Ok?!?

Galveston
It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays. So all the drunks can walk home safely???

"Offensive gestures" will not be tolerated at any special event. But not at a "special event" is ok?

Bicycles must be operated at a "reasonable speed".
Full text of the LawSec. 9-4. Speed.
No person shall operate a bicycle at a speed greater than is reasonable and prudent under the conditions then existing. (Code 1960, Ch. 21 App., ? 68) So can you get a speeding ticket?

One needs permission from the director of parks and recreation before getting drunk in any city park.
Full text of the LawSec. 26-4. Alcoholic beverages.
It shall be unlawful for any person to consume, carry or bring any alcoholic beverage in or upon any park or playground in the city without a written permit from the director of parks and recreation.(Code 1960, ? 15-8(b)) Can I get the application?

Landing an airplane on the beach is illegal.
Full text of the LawSec. 8-11. Landing aircraft on beaches.
It shall be unlawful for any person to land or take off or operate any aircraft on the beach and what is commonly known as Seawall Boulevard except at heliports designated and approved by the Federal Aviation Administration.(Code 1960, ? 4-30) Houston, we have a problem

Any person who sits on a sidewalk may be fined up to $500.
Full text of the LawSec. 24-17. Impeding sidewalk.
It shall be unlawful for a person to stand or sit on a city sidewalk or city right-of-way so as to impede, physically or by intimidation, free and uninterrupted pedestrian passage. A violation of this section shall be a class C misdemeanor and upon conviction shall be punishable by a fine not to exceed five hundred dollars ($500.00).(Ord. No. 97-104, ? 2, 12-11-97) hmmmm ok

Houston
It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday. No wonder I can't find any.

Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday.
Is there some kind of secret time that I am missing?

Jasper
Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Even in your home?

Lubbock County
It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream. Make sure your drunk friend sits in the bed of the truck

Mesquite
It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts. Who determines "unusual"

Port Arthur
Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator. This law needs to be adopted world wide.

San Antonio
It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.
ExplanationThe Alamo was the site of a famous battle during the fight for Texas' independence from Mexico. During this battle, the fort was overrun, but not until most men fought until the death to defend it. In a highly publicized incident, Ozzy Osbourne urinated on this famed historical site which infuriated many Texans. He was banned from the site, and a law was passed to prevent such acts from happening again. Good !!!!!!

Temple
Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot. On the spot punk!!!

You can ride your horse in the saloon. Thank god this one passed. I thought I was going to get into trouble.

No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square. But you can in a saloon

Texarkana
Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights. Where do you plug them in??

Great Signs

Go to this restaurants website and check out the signs this guy puts up. Some are extremely true and funny.

Casa D' Ice

See ya

What a bunch of Morons

Who the hell is this group from Kansas that holds signs and protest at the funerals of military personel stating that the death is because God is mad at the US for their tolerance of homosexuals. These people are complete crackpots and need to be picked up by the men in the white clothes with the padded wagon. Whether you agree with the war, support the troops or not you still should leave the family and friends alone when they are at the funeral. You shouldn't hold up signs that "God Hates You" to the funeral procession. Find a hobby or something. Or maybe just get out of that cult.
Maybe the military should assign an escort with a 50 cal mounted to the top of the vehicle to clear the way of these idiots before the funeral comes through.

You want to protest the war or anything else fine. I am ok with that. That is one of the freedoms that those soldiers died for. But leave the funerals alone. They are already going through enough pain of having to bury a loved one and your dumbass is out there holding up stupid signs telling them how much god hates them because of the US tolerance. Give me a damn break.

Proposed new construction in New Orleans

Enron

Yeah !!!!! The Enron morons were found GUILTY.

That company destroyed a lot of people lives. Send them to the chair !!!!

Things to Ponder

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.A pessimist fears this is true.

There will always be death and taxes;however, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers,but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.Sometimes it comes alone.

Public Service Announcement

Don't forget to pay your taxes

12 Million ILLEGAL Immigrants are depending on you !!!!!

Not in Texas

Broke Back In Texas



A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she
just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and
noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two
spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider
on top, Daddy?" she asked.

That's a Daddy Long legs." Her father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Long legs? " the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Long legs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped
them flat and said "Well, it might be OK in California or
Massachusetts, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas."

Chili Cook off

Annual Chili Cook Off held in San Antonio, Texas

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. Please take the time to read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

* Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is this chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty! , strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
***************! **************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

About my Grandfather

We called my grandfather bepaw or beeps as he later would be known as. Here are a few of my memories that I will keep forever.

When we were young my grandfather would slip me and my brothers a dollar or so each. He would say this is "walk around money." When you are walking around and need some money just reach into your pocket and there is your dollar. When he would take us to Champions Golf Club my brothers and I were allowed to go into the mens locker room with him. We thought we were big stuff then because only men were allowed into the locker room. He would sit us at the bar and let us order some lemonade. That use to be the sweetest lemonade I can ever remember tasting. One of his most famous lines that you could verify with any of his grandchildren is "Don't slam the door!!!" Every time we would be at their house and one of the kids would come in or go out you would always hear Beeps yell "Don't slam the door!!!" (especially if Alabama football was playing)
He always had great stories. Sometimes he would start laughing in the middle of the story just thinking about it and have a hard time finishing. He use to tell this story about when he was a cook on a ship in WWII they had to hold the crackers up to the light to check for weavels. He said they would just flick the weavels out and serve the crackers. Not very appetizing I know but it always struck me funny.
My grandfather was a true salesman. I believe he could sell a desert nomad some sand. He told me the story of how when he walked into the meeting to sell the land for Willowbrook Mall the buyer had all these lawyers and other people. They asked hime when his people would be there and he simply replied that the deals he made were done on a hand shake and that was all. No lawyers or other "fuddy duddies" needed. Another story he would tell was about when he use to sell appliances. He was driving down this long road and passed the workers as they were putting in electric poles. He pulled up to a little house and sold this old couple a washing machine and an ice box. They didn't have any power yet but they bought it from him anyway. He always had business deals going even when he was well into his 80's. A few years ago when one of the times that he was in the hospital my wife and I went to see him. He had the ladies leave the room so he and I could talk. What did we talk about? Business and his current deals he was working on of course. He complained about how he really needed to get out of the hospital because he had work to do. When my company moved me into outside sales he use to tell me to take a notebook with me in the car. When I would finish a meeting go back to the car and write down everything. He said to pay particular attention to items on the persons desk or on the walls. That way I could probably find out if they like golf, fishing, baseball or whatever. Then the next time I talked to or saw them I could ask about their hobby. Well I did this on every sales call and it is a great way to help build a relationship with a customer. It shows you are not only talking to them for the business but are interested in them personally. One of my proudest days is when I closed my first account. I called him and told him that evening. I was excited. He was excited for me as well. He also asked me what was on the persons desk and I told him. He laughed and said "that's my boy." I will never forget how happy he sounded for me and for him. I think he was proud to have one of his grandsons following in his sales footsteps. There are many mores stories I could tell but will save those for another day. If I know my grandfather he is sitting near the inside of the pearly gates of heaven watching Alabama football and telling everyone as they come in "Don't slam the Gates!!!!"

Beeps,
We love you and miss you.

Tom & all of your grandchildren

ROOOOOOLLLLLLLL TIDE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Grandfather

PATRICK NICHOLAS MORGAN, 88, of Houston, died Friday, May 12, 2006, at his home in the company of his family. Pat was born on December 17, 1917, in Lackawanna, NY, the eldest son of Saverio and Maria Morgan who emigrated from Italy at the turn of the 20th century. Pat was a proud graduate of the University of Alabama, Class of 1939, with a Bachelor's degree in Electrical Engineering. He was an avid, lifelong fan of the Crimson Tide. In his job with the Tennessee Valley Authority, he met his future wife, the former Helen Rockwell. Following their marriage on June 9, 1942, he served as an officer with the U.S. Navy Seabees during WWII in the 5th and 143rd Battalions in the southwest Pacific. Throughout the 1940's and 1950's, Pat's sales career took him to Cincinnati, Philadelphia, and Chattanooga, where he became President of First Flight Golf Co. In 1959, Pat moved to Texas at the invitation of golf pros Jimmy Demaret and Jack Burke to develop real estate surrounding a new golf club in a remote area 30 miles northwest of Houston on a little two-lane country road, FM 1960. Pat's energy and unbounded optimism were a driving force behind the success of what would eventually become the world-class Champions Golf Club and the phenomenal growth in what is now known as the 1960 area. As noted by sports writer Mickey Herskowitz in an article for the Houston Post on August 25, 1993, developing the course on Cypress Creek and the surrounding real estate "wasn't an easy sell, but the money they made went back into the club and in the `70s they rode the boom. In truth, they helped create it." Pat is preceded in death by his parents, sisters Angie and Theresa Morgan and Ann Hassett, brothers Carl, Ed and Mike Morgan, and grandson Seth Morgan. He is survived by his wife of 64 years, Helen Rockwell Morgan, children and their spouses, Scott and Margaret Morgan of Houston, Beth and Drew Black of Folsom, CA, Jack and Carole Morgan of Houston, Melissa and George Tooley of Katy, sister and brother-in-law Sue and Robert Derham of Skaneateles, NY, 10 grandchildren, 2 great-grandchildren and numerous nieces and nephews. Pallbearers will be his eight grandsons, Daniel, Thomas, Nicholas, Andrew and Griffin Morgan, Keegan and Jared Tooley, and Morgan Black. Granddaughters Meredith Black and Kaelin Tooley will be lectors for his Rite of Christian Burial Mass. Visitation will be from 6-8 P.M., with a Rosary at 7:00 P.M Monday, May 15, 2006 at Earthman Hunter's Creek, 8303 Katy Freeway, Houston. Funeral Mass 1:30 P.M. on Tuesday at St. Cyril of Alexandria, 10503 Westheimer, Houston. Interment will take place at Memorial Oaks Cemetery. For those who so desire, memorial contributions can be made to the Mercy Home For Boys and Girls, 1140 West Jackson Blvd, Chicago, IL 60607-2980.

Idiot

I am 12% Idiot.

I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

Take the
Idiot Test
@ FualiDotCom

Trip to Mexico

Dear President Bush: I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this. I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over?

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy. I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P. Thank you so much for your kind help.

Sincerely,
David M. Bresnahan

2006 David M. Bresnahan - All Rights Reserved

David M. Bresnahan has over 30 years of experience as an award-winning journalist, broadcaster, radio station owner, talk show host, and business owner. David has been a prominent writer for many Internet newspapers.

For My Wife, My Mom, My Mother-in-Law and all the other amazing women in my life

One Flaw In Women

By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken
heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own
heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak,"
the Lord corrected,
"that's a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."

The angel was impressed.
"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."

And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

I'm Back !!!!

Ok so I haven't posted in a while. I have been busy with work and too tired to post. Also I just got back from my first trip to Vegas !!!! I went with my wifey, mother and father in law, and sister in law. We had a great time. I hope to post some pics later once I download them.

Black List, Red List, Green List

Ok so my wife and my family make fun of me because I have a black list of companies that I will not give my business to. Most of the reasons are customer service issues. I try not to scream or yell at the people when it is happening I just won't ever go there again. Most of the time I write a letter on the companies website because that will usually go to the corporate office. And most of the time they will send me a give card or some other crap to try to get me to come back. Companies on the black list could give me a shopping spree and I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of me being in their store. So here goes.

Black = they have really pissed me off
Red = you are in danger of getting on the black list if you do one more stupid thing
Green = companies that have shown outstanding service and will always get my business

Black List:
JC Penny's - for those of you who don't know this is a department store.
Time: approx. 3 years ago
Action: Letter written on their website gift card received
Been back: Hell No !!!!
Ok so my mom bought me some slacks for my birthday one year. However the security ink tag was left on. So one night I decide to go up there and have it removed. Keep in mind I did not have the receipt with me. So it was a week night and I walk in through one of the doors and go straight up to one of the counters. I explain that they were a gift and I just needed the tag taken off. The lady said that she could not do it without the receipt. So I asked her to call a manager. The manager on duty or whoever she called said no as well. Ok so if this is a whole theft issue, why are you going to let me just walk right back out of the store with them. You just watched me walk in with them. Meanwhile my wife has about $200 worth of clothes in her hands to purchase. I tell her in a rather loud voice to put that crap down and that we would not be buying anything from this store.

TGI Fridays - restaurant
Time: approx. 3 years ago
Action: complained to manager. free appetizer
Been Back: Hell No !!!
My wife and I order dinner and an appetizer. The waiter brings us the appetizer and just kind of slides/throws the plate on the table and walks off. What kind of crap is that. Anyway the manager comps us the appetizer. Big whoop.

Joe's Crab Shack - restaurant
Time: approx 2 years ago
Action: wrote letter to website. Gift card received and letter from manager
Been Back: Hell No !!!
My wife and I go out to dinner with another couple and their son. We order 5 adult meals and of course a few drinks. The flippin waiter automatically adds in gratuity. The menu says for parties of 8 or more. My wife being in the service industry says that the waiter has a choice to add the gratuity or not. So this Jackass just adds it thinking that we won't give him a very good tip. Well Mr. Jackass if you hadn't done that you probably would have gotten a better tip.

Others on the Black list but don't feel like explaining now because I am getting all worked up in a frenzy.
American Airlines
Applebees
Outback Steakhouse on NW Freeway
Cracker Barrel

Red List
Reliant Energy - you are getting ready to be on the black


Green List
Home Depot
Krogers
Foleys

There are more but can't think right now.

More Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

I told you I would post more so here you go.

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Give it up, little guy.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'Mankind'. Basically, it's made up of two separate words: 'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and so is mankind.

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.

Sayings that throw liberals into a blind RAGE

In no particular order.

1. One Nation Under GOD
2. God Bless You
3. George W. Bush
4. In God We Trust
5. Tax Cuts
6. The 2nd Amendment
7. Merry Christmas
8. Happy Easter
9. I'm a right wing conservative (thanks Lisa)
10. Abortion is murder (thanks Lisa)

These are just a few that I can think of but if anyone has any more let me know and I will add them to this list.

Good Point

Welfare - A Subtle Destroyer of the Human Spirit>>Posted: Creators Syndicate Inc.
September 14, 2005
1:00 a.m. Eastern (c) 2005

In his 1935 State of the Union Address, FDR (President Franklin D. Roosevelt) spoke to a nation mired in the Depression, but still marinated in conservative values: "Continued dependence upon welfare", said FDR, "induces a spiritual disintegration which is fundamentally destructive to the national fiber. To dole our relief in this way is to
administer a narcotic, a subtle destroyer, of the human spirit."

Behind FDR's statement was the conviction that, while the Government must step in, in an emergency, in normal times, men provide the food, clothing and shelter for their families.

And we did, until the war pulled us out of the Depression and a postwar boom made us, in John K. Galbraith's phrase, "The Affluent Society." By the 1960's, America, the richest country on earth, was growing ever more prosperous, but with the 1964 landslide of LBJ, liberalism triumphed and began its great experiment.

Behind the Great Society was a great idea: to lift America's poor out of poverty, government should now take care of all their basic needs. By giving the poor welfare, subsidized food, public housing and free medical care, the government will end poverty in America.

At the Superdome, and New Orleans Convention Center, we saw the failure of 40 years of the Great Society. No sooner had Katrina passed by and the 17th Street levee broke than hundreds of young men who should have taken charge in helping the aged, the
sick and the women with babies to safety took to the streets to shoot, loot and rape. The New Orleans police, their numbers cut by deserters who left their posts to look after their own, engaged in running gun battles all day long just to stay alive, and to protect people.

It was the character and conduct of its people that makes the New Orleans disaster unique. After a hurricane, people's needs are simple: food, water, shelter, medical attention. But even this can be hard to meet. People buried in rubble, or those hiding in the attics of flooded homes are difficult to get to when covering such a large area. But, even with the incompetence of the Mayor, Governor & the torpor of Federal Officials, this was possible.

Coast Guard helicopters were operating Tuesday. There were roads open into the city for SUV's, buses and trucks. While New Orleans was flooded with stagnant water, people walked through it to the Convention Center and Superdome. The flimsiest boat could navigate.

Even if the Government dithered for days - so what - this does not explain the failure of the people themselves.

Between 1865 and 1940, the South - having lost a fourth of its best and bravest in battle, devastated by war, mired in poverty - was famous for the hardy self-reliance of her people, both black and white.

In 1940, hundreds of British fishermen and yachtsmen sailed back and forth daily under fire across a turbulent 23-mile Channel to rescue 300,000 soldiers stranded in Dunkirk. How do we explain to the world that a tenth that number of Americans could not be reached, in four
days, from across a simple stagnant pond?

The real disaster of Katrina was that society broke down. An
entire community could not come together, and cope. Liberalism, the idea that good intentions, and Government programs, can build a Great Society, was exposed as "fraud". After Trillions of tax dollars for Welfare, food stamps, public housing, job training and education have poured into the area since 1965, poverty remains pandemic. But today, when the police vanish, "community" disappears, and the sickening thought rises up of
men taking to the streets to prey on women and the weak.

Stranded for days in a pool of fetid water, almost everyone waited for the Government to come to save them. The stranded screamed into the cameras for help, the reporters screamed into the cameras for help, and the "civil rights leaders" screamed into the cameras that President Bush was responsible, and that President Bush was a racist.

Over the course of history, Americans as a whole, were famous for taking the initiative, for having young leaders rise up in a crisis to take command. See any of that at the Superdome?

Sri Lankans, and Indonesians, far poorer than we, did not behave like this in a tsunami that took 400 times as many lives as Katrina has.

We are the descendants of men and women who braved the North Atlantic in wooden boats to build a country in a strange land. Our ancestors traveled thousands of miles in covered wagons, fighting off Indians far braver than those "cowards" preying on the New Orleans' weak and poor.

Watching that performance in the Crescent City, it seems clear: We are not the people our parents were. And what are all our "Lords Temporal" now howling for? Though they erroneously accused Government of failing at every level, they want more government.

FDR was right. A "spiritual disintegration" has overtaken us. Government-as-first provider, the big idea of the Great Society, has proven to be "a narcotic, and a subtle destroyer of the human spirit."

Either we get off this narcotic, or it kills us, simple as that.

Just in From New York CIty

A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a
dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than
usual."

He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars,
so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her
motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set
herself on fire. She says her husband is running around on her more than ever and
the Democrats told her to forget about running for president in 2008. So
we're taking up a collection for her."

The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies, "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of the folks are
still siphoning,"

Houston

Rules of H-town

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Huestun," not
"Ewe-stun". Oh yea, it is pronounced "San Phil-ee-pay," not "San
Phil-eep"(San Felipe).

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its
own version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing
as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.


3. All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610".... which has no beginning and no end.


4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a "Scenic Drive."


5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is
from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.


6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed
out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line,
count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting
into any cross-traffic's way.


7. Kuykendahl Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Houstonian.


8. Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life
and a permanent form of entertainment.


9. All unexplained smells are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we must be
in Pasadena!!!."


10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory
defect.


11. All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.


12. The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less
is considered downright sissy.


13. The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.

14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that
says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.


15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph
zone, people are not waving when they go by.


16. The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.


17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.


18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana.


19. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just
follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else.This is how
Houston residents notify Texas Department of Transportation where
exits should have been built

if you dont live here, most of this will sound utterly insane, but to
all of us who call this home..nothing but the truth. and you know it.

Houston 1836

Ok so the MLS (major league soccer team) changed it's name from Houston 1836 to Houston Dynamo. Tonight I went out and bought several shirts for HOUSTON 1836. I don't know if I can support the team now by going to any games because I am totally disgusted with this flippin issue. However, if I do I will wear my Houston 1836 shirt proudly. If any of you have lived or visited Houston you know that the people here are very proud of our city and our state. Especially the native Texans and 4th generation Houstonians like me. This was a name I could be proud of and get behind. Now I don't know that I can so much. Here are my issues with this.

1. We are in America not Mexico

2. How in the FLIPPIN HELL is a soccer team name offensive to Mexican Americans? Seriously? Really I am very interested in how this is hurting you? Do you still cry yourself to sleep at night because Texas won it's independence. I am Serious!!!!! CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME? I could understand if it was the Houston Illegals or some other derogatory name. Hell even the Houton Crackers or Rednecks might piss people off. I would personally care if they did call them the Crakcers or Rednecks. It's just a flippin name you sissy.

3. This is the year Houston was established. It also happens to be the year that Texas won it's independence and the battle of the Alamo. And your point that this is being offensive is how?

4. We defeated Santa Anna....get over it. It was a long time ago. You don't hear me bitching about the Vietnamese street signs that are posted in a certain part of Houston even though we got smoked in that conflict.
5. You don't hear British Americans bitching and crying about the name Philadelphia 76'ers.

6. You say Mexican Americans need to be heared and need to have a voice? Then stop bitching about ridiculous crap like this. There are moe inportant issues to discuss than the name of a FLIPPIN soccer team that is named after the year the CITY was established. Not the year we kicked Mexico's ass. If you don't like it then move back to Mexico and let me know how you like living there.

Anyway this post was suppose to just state that I bought some 1836 stuff. It's just the fact that this whole thing is FLIPPIN RIDICULOUS.

Good Question

TEACHER INTERVIEW

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager
prospective teacher said, "Let me see if I've got this right. You
want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every
waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a
sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe
them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress
habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted
diseases,check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise
their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good
citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a
checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,
recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students
pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school
regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get
an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or
physical handicap.
And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter,
telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a
piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND
on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do ALL of this and yet you expect me... NOT TO
PRAY?

Pissing me off

Ok so I said I was tired of the political crap, and I am. However the following are pissing me off.

1. We have a new MLS team here in Houston. The name they decided was Houston 1836. This follows the tradition of some of the teams in Europe who name their teams after the year the team was founded, the city was founded or whatever. 1836 was the year Houston was founded. It also happens to be the year that Texas won its independance from Mexico. Now a bunch of Mexicans are crying saying that the name is offensive. Give me a flippin break. I am an American. I am a Texan and proud of it. We are not in Mexico. We won our independance and were even our own Republic prior to joining the states. This name is for city and state pride. Its a damn name. It's not like we are saying, "Ha Ha we won in 1836 na na boo boo" What the hell ever. If you don't like it go cry somewhere else and don't support the team. And if it pisses you off that much then move back to Mexico !!!!

2. The city of Houston is looking at putting up cameras at stop lights in the downtown area to catch red light runners. I don't like it but ok. Now the ACLU is crying about it. Can someone please explain what civil liberties this violates. You are in public and breaking the law. Hey I have an idea.....don't run the flippin red light!!!!!

I'm Back

Well I am back from my 1st year anniversary. We had a great time in Philadelphia. It was damn cold though. Not the same cold you get in Texas. This cold would go all the way through your body. Lows were in the teens !!!!

Anyway, we saw the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall. Those were cool. Security was tight we saw this one guy almost get totally strip searched. We also went to Atlantic City for an evening. It was fun. Lost money but had a great time.

Anyway we had a great trip and its back to the grind tomorrow.

Laters

sleeping at work

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about
in the time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got
here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to
handle that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you
put your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"
And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught
sleeping at your desk!
1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."

Welcome to the party

My wife sent this to me and just had to post it. Keep in mind my wife is way more liberal than I am (she liked living in California for God's sake) but she is coming around.


A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so
many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal
Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that
she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she
felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to
keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher
taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs.
The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be
the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and
let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was
taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which
left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She
didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many
college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy
classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so
popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to
all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes
because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's
office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your
friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and
certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily
fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my
grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has
done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my
tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the
Republican Party"

2006

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e- mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home
to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Duck Lease

Ok so I really enjoy waterfowl hunting. So I am looking for a lease in the Southeast Texas or Katy prairie area. If anyone knows of one let me know. I am just getting more serious in it so I have a lot to learn and a lot of equipment to buy.

WoW

First I would like to say Happy Anniversary to my cuz and his wife. 5 yrs already !!! Awesome !!!!

My one year is coming up in 2 weeks !!!! Holy crap !!!!

DSL

Hello All

Well in case any of you care I got my DSL line for the house today. I should have had it last week but thanks to the "brown" my modem was delivered to some random address. It was a breeze to hook up and install. And the connection is pretty damn fast. Peace out fools.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Everyone remember those skits on Saturday Night Live. I loved them. Here are a few.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!

If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.


More to come ....