Monday, March 26, 2007
update
for all of those who are checking this blog and then Madison's , for some reason it will not let me upload pictures. Will try again soon
What I have learned
This is just a brief list of what I have learned in the first few months of being a dad.
1. Sleeping is a luxury
2. Having both parents there to take care of the child makes a world of difference
3. It really does break your heart to see and hear your baby cry
4. You can't help but smile when your baby starts to smile at you
5. The expressions on your baby's face will make you smile and laugh every time
6. Changing diapers is not so bad
7. The colors pink and purple are so bad either
8. Knowing that a child is really a miracle
9. The baby is always perfect when the grandparents are around
10.I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much
11. I never knew I could love someone so much
12. It is the greatest feeling when your baby falls asleep on your chest
Here are a couple I had to learn the hard way.
1. When mixing formula with hot water in a jug with a cap, if you shake to much it will explode
2. Just because you open the diaper and the baby starts to pee doesn't mean that is all she has to go while you are in the middle of changing
I know there will be a lot more stuff yet to learn and as I get time I will try to post some more.
1. Sleeping is a luxury
2. Having both parents there to take care of the child makes a world of difference
3. It really does break your heart to see and hear your baby cry
4. You can't help but smile when your baby starts to smile at you
5. The expressions on your baby's face will make you smile and laugh every time
6. Changing diapers is not so bad
7. The colors pink and purple are so bad either
8. Knowing that a child is really a miracle
9. The baby is always perfect when the grandparents are around
10.I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much
11. I never knew I could love someone so much
12. It is the greatest feeling when your baby falls asleep on your chest
Here are a couple I had to learn the hard way.
1. When mixing formula with hot water in a jug with a cap, if you shake to much it will explode
2. Just because you open the diaper and the baby starts to pee doesn't mean that is all she has to go while you are in the middle of changing
I know there will be a lot more stuff yet to learn and as I get time I will try to post some more.
TO BE 6 AGAIN!
TO BE 6 AGAIN
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
observing his wife turning back
and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked
what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
I'd like to be six again, she replied, still
looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,
made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms,
and then took her to Six Flags
theme park. What a day ! He put her on every
ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything
there was. Five hours Later they staggered out
of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her
stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he
ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop,
and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure ! Finally she
wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, Well Dear,
what was it like being six again ??
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression
suddenly changed.
I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass !!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he is going to get it wrong.
Be a PS3 game guru.
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Bridge to Hawaii
A man was riding his Harley along a
California beach when suddenly the sky
California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because
you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she
feels inside.., what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment.., why she cries.., what she means when she says: "Nothing's
wrong".., and how I can make a woman truly happy!"
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she
feels inside.., what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment.., why she cries.., what she means when she says: "Nothing's
wrong".., and how I can make a woman truly happy!"
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
The fish are biting.
Get more visitors on your site using Yahoo! Search Marketing.
Kentucky
A man walked into a bar in Louisville, Kentucky and
ordered a drink. While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of
Hillary's political ads came on. After it went off, he stood up and announced to
everyone, "Hillary is a horse's ass!"
The bartender reached under the bar and brought out
an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the mouth,
knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.
After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened
himself up and said to the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know this was
Hillary country." "It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country!"
Expecting? Get great news right away with email Auto-Check.
Try the Yahoo! Mail Beta.
ATM Machines
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined
below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
> **********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate cardholder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver; waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined
below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
> **********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate cardholder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver; waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Don't get soaked. Take a quick peek at the forecast
with theYahoo! Search weather shortcut.
Houston
You know you're from Houston when...
You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still haven't left the city limits. (During rush hour, you haven't left your neighborhood.)
Spring is not the season, Katy is not the lady, and 1960 is not theyear.
The "farm-to-market" roads have seven lanes.
If you want to be a snob about your grocery shopping, you can go to Randall's Flagship, Rice Epicurean Market or a Kroger's Signature.
You have to turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees.
When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you know hejust stepped in a fire ant bed.
You know that the Astrodome will always be the Eighth Wonder of theWorld.
You come to work in short-sleeves and walk out at noon to find that a cold front has blown through, and the temperature has dropped 40 degrees in a matter of minutes.
You wander into a section of town where you can't read the streetsigns but you don't care because you can get great prices on fake designer merchandise there.
You go to an art festival on Westheimer and you're almost run down by two cross-dressers on roller blades, holding hands.
You hear everything but English spoken when you go to the Galleria to window-shop.
You know that "Dad gummit" has nothing to do with your father's failure to practice good dental hygiene.
You think "Y'all" is perfectly good usage if you're referring to more than one person.
You've never seen I-45 in any condition other than under-construction-- and you've lived here for 20-30 years.
If the humidity is below 90 percent, it's a good hair day.
The only real Mexican food is Tex-Mex.
You know that while saving you money, "Mattress Mac" has amassed more than the U.S. Treasury has.
You see nothing unusual about an 80-something former sheriff's deputy who wears a white toupee and blue sunglasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams, "MAR-VIN ZIND-ler, EYE-witness news" into a television camera every night.
You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still haven't left the city limits. (During rush hour, you haven't left your neighborhood.)
Spring is not the season, Katy is not the lady, and 1960 is not theyear.
The "farm-to-market" roads have seven lanes.
If you want to be a snob about your grocery shopping, you can go to Randall's Flagship, Rice Epicurean Market or a Kroger's Signature.
You have to turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees.
When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you know hejust stepped in a fire ant bed.
You know that the Astrodome will always be the Eighth Wonder of theWorld.
You come to work in short-sleeves and walk out at noon to find that a cold front has blown through, and the temperature has dropped 40 degrees in a matter of minutes.
You wander into a section of town where you can't read the streetsigns but you don't care because you can get great prices on fake designer merchandise there.
You go to an art festival on Westheimer and you're almost run down by two cross-dressers on roller blades, holding hands.
You hear everything but English spoken when you go to the Galleria to window-shop.
You know that "Dad gummit" has nothing to do with your father's failure to practice good dental hygiene.
You think "Y'all" is perfectly good usage if you're referring to more than one person.
You've never seen I-45 in any condition other than under-construction-- and you've lived here for 20-30 years.
If the humidity is below 90 percent, it's a good hair day.
The only real Mexican food is Tex-Mex.
You know that while saving you money, "Mattress Mac" has amassed more than the U.S. Treasury has.
You see nothing unusual about an 80-something former sheriff's deputy who wears a white toupee and blue sunglasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams, "MAR-VIN ZIND-ler, EYE-witness news" into a television camera every night.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Immigration laws
Interesrting!!! ------- HARSH YOU SAY?? There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools, no special ballots for elections, all government business will be conducted in our language. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here. Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold political office. Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs. Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage. If foreigners do come and want to buy land that will be okay, BUT options will be restricted. You are not allowed waterfront property. That is reserved for citizens naturally born into this country. Foreigners may not protest; no demonstrations, no waving a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our president or his policies, if you do you will be sent home. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be hunted down and sent straight to jail. Harsh, you say?................. The above laws happen to be the immigration laws of " MEXICO " !
funny
>Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the>White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.>>The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says:>"Nice pigs, sir.">>The President replies "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas>Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for>Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi.">>The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,>"Excellent trade, sir."
Jesus and teh Democrat
A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and askedthe waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across therestaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitressnodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup ofcoffee, on him.The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. Heshuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for acup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is thatJesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to giveJesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat.The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. Hehobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How'sabout gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light?" He, too, looked across therestaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once morenodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "Onmy bill," he said.As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him andsaid,"For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strengthcome back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For yourkindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up,and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips outthe door.Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled,"Don't touch me! I'm on disability!"
Jesse Jackson
Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.
In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse, and told him to drink it all.
Jesse drank the concoction and replied, "God, that tasted like bull s---!"
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."
In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse, and told him to drink it all.
Jesse drank the concoction and replied, "God, that tasted like bull s---!"
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."
Sand and Stone
TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKINGTHROUGH THE DESERT.DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY, THEY HAD ANARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIENDSLAPPED THE OTHER ONEIN THE FACE. THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPEDWAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING,WROTE IN THE SAND:TODAY MY BEST FRIENDSLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.THEY KEPT ON WALKING,UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,WHERE THEY DECIDEDTO TAKE A BATH THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THEMIRE ! AND STARTED DROWNING,BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.AFTER HE RECOVERED FROMTHE NEAR DROWNING,HE WROTE ON A STONE:"TODAY MY BEST FRIENDSAVED MY LIFE ".THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIENDASKED HIM, "AFTER I HURT YOU,YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?"THE FRIEND REPLIED"WHEN SOMEONE HURTS USWE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OFFORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOESSOMETHING GOOD FOR US,WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONEWHERE NO WINDCAN EVER ERASE IT."LEARN TO WRITEYOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TOCARVE YOURBENEFITS IN STONE.THEY SAY IT TAKES AMINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL PERSON,
AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM,
A DAY TO LOVE THEM,
BUT THENAN ENTIRE LIFE TO FORGET THEM.
AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM,
A DAY TO LOVE THEM,
BUT THENAN ENTIRE LIFE TO FORGET THEM.
Simple Math
This will Mess With Your Head.
3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30, SOEACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.
A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25, SOHE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.
ON THE WAY, THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLYBETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FORHIMSELF.
THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF$27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.
WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?
3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30, SOEACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.
A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25, SOHE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.
ON THE WAY, THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLYBETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FORHIMSELF.
THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF$27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.
WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?
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